I think my husband might be depressed, pit relationship is non existent and he’s not interested in talking to me. We’ve been married 11 years and have two children. I think really I’ve just out grown him. I was attracted to him for many reasons but mainly I knew he wouldn’t abuse me or be unfaithful - he was safe. And I’d had a history of bad relationships. Looking back I probably over looked some key things which were missing in our relationship. I’m now too wise and unwilling to do so. He’s never been able to talk about his emotions, his desires, worries, wants or even just what makes him happy. He never tells me he loves me, kisses me, touches me or shows he cares! He does rub my feet at night and always brings this up when I talk about how I feel. He knows I’m unhappy. But really he can’t talk about anything other than maybe feeding the cats or what’s on TV with me. He doesn’t talk to his friends and has minimal contact with family.
He also never comes to bed or wakes at the same time as me, something that’s bothered me for 11 years. Ive tried in the past to encourage compromise eg. coming to bed with me 1 night a week. It’s never worked, he’s not really interested. He now doesn’t want sex and I’m at the end of the line trying to hold things together. He never wants to spend time with me, and again I’ve given up trying with date night last etc. It’s exhausting after being the only one for so long.
He leaves all finance, admin, arranging diy, children’s clubs, children’s clothes, school stuff, bills, pensions, cars to me. I’ve always been the main earner and for the last 18 months he’s been unemployed. During his time unemployed he struggled to buy shopping on a regular basis and never really got into a routine. He can cook though if I plan the meals. He has a job now and will start in January. I’ve been diagnosed with anemia and have been struggling with fatigue and I think feeling low. It’s at times like this when I feel so alone. I feel tearful and so in need of support. I wasn’t diagnosed anemic for months and basically struggled on till I was on my knees. Feel like he could maybe have noticed? I was wrung out but didn’t know how bad till my boss made me stop work. I’m really anxious about going back to work, I’ve been signed off for 4 weeks. My girls cuddle me when I’m upset he doesn’t seem to notice or care.
His mum is ill and in a care home. She’s been in the home almost a year and he’s visited a handful of times. He ever talks about her and rarely contacts his brother. To be honest his family are not communicators. He doesn’t dislike them it’s just a dysfunctional relationship - although he won’t admit it.
I feel bad leaving cause hes not really changed it’s just I’ve woken up a bit. We’ve had some good times over the years and my girls will be devastated but lately we can barely have a conversation without arguing and they are starting to feel the complete lack of love between us. I don’t want them to be affected by this long term.
He’s always struggled to show he cared and in the past has forgotten or not bothered with my birthday or Christmas presents, recently I’ve insisted he buys me even just a card or a small thing to set an example to our children. He’s managed to do this but I always dread birthdays as I know I’ll ultimately get nothing and have to put a brave face on. Now that I’ve written this I feel it’s obvious that I’ve been fighting to save the relationship all along and I’ve just given up now and got really angry. I would say I’ve no respect for him and struggle to contain my anger at times. We’ve had a bit of counselling in the past. It was then I realised that he genuinely couldn’t talk about his feelings. I thought he just refused to talk to annoy me but he told the counsellor he didn’t know what to say and he feared sounding silly?! So he just said nothing. I’ve tried talking to him and he says he doesn’t feel like talking. I’ve asked if he ever will talk and he said he will just not now?
Is it fair to leave him?