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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my 18 year old son will mature in his own time?

24 replies

AbstractDot · 28/12/2021 12:37

Me and DH at loggerheads. He's always been immature for his age and catches up in the end.

He's got a silly sense of humour and can sometimes make jokes like a 10 year old or push the points of things that aren't funny I.e. this morning he walked in and told me his trainers are not muddy 'they're off-white', he then repeated the joke with a Beavis and Butthead style kids laugh and didn't recognise the signal that it wasn't THAT funny. He is either happy and silly or miserable teenager mode, there's no level medium where he's happy but not silly.

I definitely think there is some SEN need I.e. autism under that however it's hard to know what is personality and what is undiagnosed, he functions well just educators feel he is distracted and lacking effort.

Although there are glimmers of him being nice with his 8 year old sister, he nitpicks at her and I never have him babysit as I cant trust him to be nice to her.

I feel this stuff he will grow out of, DH thinks we need to be hard on him to make sure he does.

Thoughts and experiences please?

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 28/12/2021 12:38

My 21 year old DS is still this silly.
I’ve always assumed that it’s a boy thing 🤷🏼‍♀️

LynetteScavo · 28/12/2021 12:43

Being hard on him is not going to change his sense of humour.

bonetiredwithtwins · 28/12/2021 12:44

Well no that doesn't sound like any 18 year old boys I knew - I lived with several at uni and all seemed much more mature than that?

I'm with your DH on this one

chocolateorangeinhaler · 28/12/2021 12:45

It's hard for all kids at that age. Their whole life someone has organized them up until now. I'd have a meltdown if someone now organized me, it's just what you get used to, although boys are more pandered to because things like housework is still seen as a woman's thing. Don't get me started on mothers who still enable their adult sons and hate the sons GF or wife for making them pull their weight.

growinggreyer · 28/12/2021 12:46

You should insist that your DH changes his personality - after all, that is so easy to do. He should become a friendly, interested Dad who can laugh with his son when me makes fairly inane jokes that are not offensive or disruptive to family life. If he can't change his personality, you could try being harder on him.

tinkerbellvspredator · 28/12/2021 12:48

I don't think you can be "hard on him" about being silly. You can try to work with him on appropriate behaviour and reading social cues - although proper investigation of whether he has a SEN would help with that.

You can be hard on him about being mean to his sister and any other unacceptable behaviour.

Funkyslippers · 28/12/2021 12:50

What's he like with his friends and wider family, op? Is he silly around them?

DeepaBeesKit · 28/12/2021 12:50

Having a silly sense of humour is more about personality than maturity surely.

However you should be able to trust an 18 year old to babysit a younger sibling. Part of becoming an adult is taking responsibility for things, and plenty of people won't do that until they are made to.

Shebangshebong · 28/12/2021 12:50

He sounds very immature. I think I'm on your DH's side. Not being able to leave a younger sibling with an essentially adult sibling is very concerning.

cherryonthecakes · 28/12/2021 13:00

The jokes are his personality so I would comment. I'm assuming that he has friends so these are people to understand his humour.

The stuff about his young sister is very strange though and I wouldn't let that lie at all. You can't leave him to babysit wtaf? That's miles from normal. My oldest was hard on his younger sister but he went for ignoring instead of sniping in year 7 when he got the message that going after younger/smaller people is social suicide.

Original poster

AbstractDot · 28/12/2021 13:07

I would just like to backtrack and say he does have a happy non-silly side. I don't know why I said he doesn't, I've thought about it more and it's not quite as polarised as I said. He does have the silliness though.

I don't get him to babysit as I don't think he would be kind. He'd be responsible, but maybe pick on her, yet maybe he'd rise to it and go into adult mode if I tried it.

Yes I agree it could be that he just has a better sense of humour than us! I think he is generally less silly with his peers however I feel they're more on his level too so reciprocate the humour that he does display.

The problem with it is that DH thinks he won't ever learn to not be silly and that he will be inappropriate with his humour and be bullied as he gets older. That's a worry for me too but in his recent college report his tutors said he's doing everything they would want to put him forward for jobs and apprenticeships which is a good sign.

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/12/2021 13:10

His age group have had a bloody awful two years. They’ve missed out on important, formative experiences through no fault of their own. Lots of 18 year olds are not as mature as they would have been 3 years ago.

You both need to give him a break. Your husband needs to develop a bit of empathy, too.

(Not muddy, off white. What’s silly about that?

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 28/12/2021 13:12

I'd be harder on him to grow up tbh. He is 18, a legal adult. Thousands of 18 year olds have children of their own by now.

I'd worry about this level of immaturity and be pressing him to get assessed for any learning disabilities or special needs.

It isn't normal for a man of his age to behave like that. Everyone saying its a boy thing is right but he isn't a boy anymore, he's an adult man.

Coffeeshopcookies · 28/12/2021 13:23

The pushing a joke part sounds really similar to DH who does have ASD. He will make a joke or comment he thinks is hilarious and then repeat it until everyone is forced to laugh. Even that type of joke (muddy vs off white) sounds very similar to what DH finds funny. He never grew out of it obviously, but it's honestly not the worst thing in the world. He has lots of friends and whereas they don't realise he's not NT, they tolerate his quirks and humour him but are still genuine friends. He was never bullied because of it and never had problems at work.

I wouldn't worry too much about it tbh. That stuff about the younger sister is also not too surprising if you suspect SEN. I'm reluctant to leave DH along with DD for too long even though he's good dad. It's not at all being worried about him hurting her but more that he gets sidetracked, distracted or bored. Playing with a small child isn't fun and I somehow feel he will get annoyed and resentful if left alone for too long. It's hard to describe but it's like I have a sense of where his "limits" are and that forcing him beyond those would be cruel even if it means picking up the slack myself.

ChristmasFluff · 28/12/2021 13:44

My son (20) isn't neurotypical, and has been taking care of himself for a couple of years now, but taking care of someone else would be a real challenge. This does not affect his educational ability at all, so don't discount something else going on with your son. And if he hasn't been bullied up to now, it's highly unlikely he will be in future. Prime bullying time is younger than 18.

Coming down hard on our children teaches them nothing, except it makes them understand that their parent believes there is something wrong with them. I really agree with @growinggreyer - how would you like someone to come down hard on you? For anything, much less your personality?

I also agree that children will be slower to emotionally develop due to covid, with all the isolation that has entailed. He may have a man's body, but it wouldn't be surprising if he has not emotionally developed as he usually would have.

LeopardPrintTits · 28/12/2021 13:50

I think you’re being a bit hard on him to be honest, everyone matures at different rates, and I know lots of adults with weird and silly senses of humour!

(I wonder if the ‘off white’ comment might be a reference to the fashion brand Off White?)

littlebilliie · 28/12/2021 15:29

@MrsSkylerWhite

You both need to give him a break. Your husband needs to develop a bit of empathy, too.

(Not muddy, off white. What’s silly about that?

I agree it's affected this age group massively. 18 year old are incredibly annoying 😂

Dixiechickonhols · 28/12/2021 15:37

Does he want to go down a diagnosis route? It may make things easier if he’s planning on university or will need adjustments at work.
Things like part time job, volunteering or learning to drive may help him mature.

MoniJitchell · 28/12/2021 16:05

@LeopardPrintTits

I think you’re being a bit hard on him to be honest, everyone matures at different rates, and I know lots of adults with weird and silly senses of humour!

(I wonder if the ‘off white’ comment might be a reference to the fashion brand Off White?)

I thought it was in ref to Off White. I thought it was quite funny tbh

DillonPanthersTexas · 28/12/2021 16:11

Usually this type of immaturity recedes when they find themselves in a new peer group (uni or workplace) and they have to adapt in order to gain acceptance.

cptartapp · 28/12/2021 16:13

My 19 year old DS wouldn't act like that. My 18 year old nephew would though. He's ASD.

Original poster

AbstractDot · 28/12/2021 19:29

The trainers are white but have yellowed. I don't think he knows the brand Off White. Perhaps it was contextual too - he came to the door of my bedroom, asked if I was decent and then when I said I was told me about the trainers. His only purpose for coming to the room was to tell me that.

Yesterday I had my first ever nosebleed when we had just got into the car. I was dealing with that and trying to stop the bleeding and though I wasn't panicking, his joke that his Dad must have hit me were met with his Dad telling him to shut up and 'read the room' (paraphrasing!), it wasn't appropriate, his Dad doesn't hit me and never has and we wouldn't normally mind a daft comment like that but it was misjudged in a moment where his Dad was trying to concentrate on driving and I was trying to stop my nosebleed and my husband was also trying to talk me through it.

Don't get me wrong, I often think maybe it's just because me or my husband are just not feeling as lively as him sometimes and have less tolerance on those days. But I do worry about how immature he can be perceived yet equally I don't want to knock away his sense of humour!

I'd just love to hear of anyone's sons who were/are like have still managed to carve out a good life, career, family etc.

I worry he can't keep a girlfriend because of it and pandemic hasn't helped that (though he has had a long term relationship with mature girls in the past) I definitely think a girlfriend may help his maturity along but there's nothing I can do about that!!

OP posts:

AuntieObnoxious · 28/12/2021 21:43

Please don’t worry too much about this. Children mature differently so don’t compare with peers too much. Boys are often way behind.
I’m a secondary/6th form teacher and we’ve been astounded at how immature this the current year 12s (age 17) are. Your ds sounds very typical of them.
You do need to start treating him as a young adult and make it clear what your expectations are. Start off baby sitting for his sister for an hour, during this time he must be the adult & this means not annoying her. Then build up the time. Make sure he has age appropriate chores getting him ready for independence.If he goes to university he need these skills.
Don’t worry about his sense of humour, that will mature - hopefully 😀

Siuan · 28/12/2021 21:50

I have two boys of 23 and 25. The difference between 18 and 25 is astounding. While they are technically adults at 18 it's only in hindsight I can see how very young and immature they were.
However sense of humour doesn't change much with age, at least if DH (72) is an example.

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