Teenage son and gifts at Christmas

[Pheebs87]

AIBU -

First time poster so apologies if formatting is off.
I basically gave my ds 16 £30 in November when we went shopping to buy presents for my side of the family as I had done last year. He stated that he also wanted to buy his dad and young half brother ( his dad's new child) a gift too. I wasn't happy but thought these gifts were supplemental to the gifts he was getting for myself and my partner. I gave him the money mainly so he had the opportunity to give gifts so he wasn't left out on Christmas Day with nothing to give.

It's worth mentioning that his dad has never given money to ds for a gift for me. Which is fine I've never expected his dad to.

So I'm a bit miffed that it appears ds has decided to only buy for his dad and half brother. Tbh I'm quite hurt by the total lack of thought and I'm quite annoyed that I have funded a gift for his Dad who I don't have a great relationship with. He is under the impression that I am more well off than his dad which is not the case.

I ended up in tears today trying to talk to him about how I felt and all I got was total disinterest. Not sure if I'm being unreasonable by feeling upset that he does not mark any days such as mother's Day or my birthday with so much as a card. I see other mums getting token gifts or breakfast made or whatever and it hurts that my son doesn't do anything when I go out my way to ensure he has thoughtful gifts and feels cared for and loved. Sorry this turned into a rant but am I being unreasonable for feeling this way?

Not you are not being unreasonable but stop giving him money. He can get a part time job and earn his own now

No more money for him. How incredibly inconsiderate.

How many people was he supposed to be buying for?

Why doesn't he have his own money?

So you gave him £30 for a specific purpose which means you decided what he was going to use it for, and he did something else with it. I am surprised he bought any gifts at all !

He should be getting pocket money if he can't find a job. And that pocket money is given in return for helping at home.

And that's what he should use to buy gifts.

I understand you wanting him to buy you something but giving him money for it is a bit silly.

Make him earn it! And tell him it's inconsiderate to not even get you some chocolate or something. It's a token, a thought.

He may be trying to get some attention from his dad and be very unsure of his love for him. He is probably totally sure of your love so in danger of taking you for granted.. 16 can be a very selfish age so don't think he is going to be this way forever. I think it's important you don't criticise his buying a present for dad/little brother as any thoughtfulness on his part towards anyone is to be encouraged and dc hate getting caught up in any drama between their parents. Do you have a sister who could plan presents with him for you and contact him before mother's day to come up with some ideas. Some children are natural gift givers and some need to be taught. He will only realise as he gets older that you have been that one constant in his life so don't take this situation too personally.
And a part time job is a good plan.

Thank you for the responses so far. He did say he was planning on getting gifts for me and my partner after Christmas but we went out shopping yesterday and he then asked to be dropped off at our local town to get himself some headphones then he said he was going to his dad's so obviously wasn't planning on doing this. I don't want to come across as ungrateful but this behaviour this year has really hurt me. The total lack of thoughtfulness when he couldn't wait to rush out and buy his dad a gift when he has not always been the best influence is staggering. However the comment that he was trying to gain attention from him probably has a grain of truth in it. Thanks for all who have answered

I agree, no more money.

I’m not surprised you got total disinterest from him, my experience of teenagers is they go immediately on the defensive and your display of emotions would have made him feel very uncomfortable. In true teenage style he would then be blaming you for making him feel bad rather than looking beyond that into reflecting on his actions.

Hopefully though he will remember and process this over time.

Hope you have a good rest of Christmas 💐

Hopefully next year he will have a Saturday job/Christmas job and able to buy you a present. I can understand why you were upset.

I can totally understand why you're upset but teenagers can be utterly hurtful at times.
I definitely wouldn't be giving him anymore money to enable this though.

I feel, like another poster, that he is maybe feeling insecure with his father, especially now there is a half sibling. With you, he knows he is wanted and loved, so doesn't have to work as hard.
16 year old boys work in mysterious ways generally.

@Rubyupbeat

I feel, like another poster, that he is maybe feeling insecure with his father, especially now there is a half sibling. With you, he knows he is wanted and loved, so doesn't have to work as hard. 16 year old boys work in mysterious ways generally.

Yes I agree with this. Still hurtful and selfish on the surface though, I'd not give him money for presents again.

Agree that he probably feels less sure of his dad’s side of the family. However, I wouldn’t be giving him money to buy presents again. He needs to earn money either through an outside job or paid chores.
Also, when his birthday comes around and he inevitably wants x y and z, I’d be having a chat with him about how gift giving is a two way process and he needs to think of you in future if he wants gifts back. The conversation will hit harder when he’s made to think in terms of his own birthday.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to insist on a minimum amount of effort from him if he wants an effort made for him. His future partner will thank you.

My first thought was how lovely of your DS to want to buy his half brother and dad a gift, until I read on and realised that at aged 16 he has not so much as made you a card to mark your special days. That is so thoughtless and selfish of him. Is he resentful of you for some reason?

He sounds quite self absorbed, even for a teen.

I certainly wouldn't be giving him any further money.

Tell him get a part time job.

He should be getting pocket money if he can't find a job. And that pocket money is given in return for helping at home

This. He needs to earn it. Not just be handed it then told what to do with it, he's 16. Not 6.

He’s 16 and more than old enough to save up his pocket money to buy his own presents.
Why are you giving him extra money? That’s just encouraging him to be selfish.
He knows when Xmas is and should be saving up instead of expecting Mum to pay for her own present.
Stop treating him like he’s 6.

From my experience of raising teens I’d say that if this is his worst side then you are getting off lightly and he’s pretty decent. Teens are like babies in adult bodies for a period. By all means talk to him and have the consequence of no longer funding him to do it, but remember this when processing your own emotions. My experience is thoughtless teens grow into nice adults and you get back the nice thoughtful side.

I’d agree with the aspect of buying love from his dad. He wants his attention and approval. Yours is a given. In time that evens out to a good relationship with you. Just keep talking to him, tell him how you feel each time and explain your feelings calmly.

DS14 needs a lot of encouragement to buy or make a card or buy a gift even though I’ve explained how hurtful it is if he makes no effort. I think he takes after DH, who does buy presents but clearly doesn’t see the value in doing so, rather has learnt that it’s the expected behaviour so does it. (It clearly isn’t one of his “love languages” whereas, for me, doing things for others and gifting are really key to showing love.)

So this year he managed to make DH a card (plain piece of card, folded with Merry Christmas written on front) and bought him and DD a gift each costing £1.50 and which they probably didn’t really want. I got nothing. It’s a real contrast to DD16 who made us all lovely cards and bought thoughtful presents.

I would happily pay for them if he just made the effort to choose them!

I do think a lot of it is just inherent selfishness of teens but that somehow DD skipped that phase (though can be selfish in other ways!)

@TheViewFromTheCheapSeats

From my experience of raising teens I’d say that if this is his worst side then you are getting off lightly and he’s pretty decent. Teens are like babies in adult bodies for a period. By all means talk to him and have the consequence of no longer funding him to do it, but remember this when processing your own emotions. My experience is thoughtless teens grow into nice adults and you get back the nice thoughtful side.

I’d agree with the aspect of buying love from his dad. He wants his attention and approval. Yours is a given. In time that evens out to a good relationship with you. Just keep talking to him, tell him how you feel each time and explain your feelings calmly.

Agree completely.

@SleepyMathematician

Agree that he probably feels less sure of his dad’s side of the family. However, I wouldn’t be giving him money to buy presents again. He needs to earn money either through an outside job or paid chores. Also, when his birthday comes around and he inevitably wants x y and z, I’d be having a chat with him about how gift giving is a two way process and he needs to think of you in future if he wants gifts back. The conversation will hit harder when he’s made to think in terms of his own birthday.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to insist on a minimum amount of effort from him if he wants an effort made for him. His future partner will thank you.

I think this really hits home and I think come his birthday in November chats will be had about gift giving. Although that feels wrong on my part as it feels like a punishment? However it does make sense that you give and receive equally in any relationship and it shouldn't be one sided.

£30 is not a lot for 4 gifts. Why is he expected to buy for your partner? He should be buying for his dad over your partner. I think you’re being unreasonable but he should have got you a gift too.

If his birthday in November is after yours, you may want to have the conversation with him before that as it would give him a chance to fix it before it gets to his birthday. Does he buy cards/presents for other people? I would also try to involve him in choosing things/adding his own gifts for other family so he gets used to it. Teenagers are very self involved! Like toddlers really. He'll get better, OP

@Muthalucka

£30 is not a lot for 4 gifts. Why is he expected to buy for your partner? He should be buying for his dad over your partner. I think you’re being unreasonable but he should have got you a gift too.

He wasn't expected to buy for my partner but as he contributes for his presents at birthdays and Christmas I thought he may want to give back. Also as his dad doesn't fund presents for me or my family he doesn't even give gifts for ds just chucks some cash at him I thought he would like to have the opportunity to give a gift to those who gift him? The gifts would be token gifts for that price but it's the thought

YANBU to feel hurt and cross but his relationship with his dad sounds quite sad and he is probably quite mixed up about how to prioritise his feelings. You are his safe mum, you’ll love him regardless. Dad not so much, give him a present to win affection.

What he hasn’t factored in is how you might respond to that. He needs some coaching on reciprocity. This could be done in many ways not just gift giving. Making you a cup of tea, washing up after you’ve cooked, saying thanks for things. Then let him know that you DO expect a card on certain occasions.

That might seem a bit harsh but it’s no different to teaching him manners and thoughtfulness in other areas of life.