What to do when you disagree with a friend's life choices?

[LionelsMessiRoom]

Name changed & posting in AIBU for traffic.

Three years ago my best friend since primary school (we're in our early 40s now) had a near death experience. Thankfully she recovered but since then her attitude has been very much living for the moment, putting herself first etc which I completely understand.

However this has mostly taken the form of leaving her DH to go off with her old boyfriend from secondary school. Unsurprisingly the new boyfriend hasn't really worked out (although it's not completely over either) and she is still mooning over him like a teenager despite him treating her quite badly.

She is also overlooking what the effect of all of the last 3 years including the near death experience, pandemic, parents' divorce, mum's new relationship etc is on her children and she is so wrapped up in her own life (and her on off relationship) she is basically emotionally neglecting them as well as making some really damaging choices that will come to haunt her later.

This is where my problem lies. I don't want to lose this friendship but I also don't know how to continue being friends with her when I feel so disapproving over what she's doing.

Sorry I should have added she has leaned a lot on me for support over the last few years - long calls about the new relationship etc and it's just come to the point I sometimes dread conversations with her.

I couldn’t stay friends with someone like that. I would have fast lost any respect for her.

I would let her know that while you don't agree with her choices, you'll be there for her no matter what the future brings - I'm assuming from your post that you will be.

Came on to say same as @ArblemarzipanTFruitcake.
Let her know you don’t support all her choices but that you’ll be there for her as a friend. It sounds like she might need one.
I’d perhaps try to wind down the long, needy conversations tho.

I have lost all respect for someone I know for similar(ish) reasons. I think mine is actually worse.

Unfortunately I can't really be friends with her at the minute. It's more complicated than just disapproval though. I think it completely depends on the people involved and how they handle the situation.

Surely more people regret what they haven't done more than things they have done?

That near-death experience obviously brought her current life into sharp focus. I have to say that I've had two such instances- the first saved my life, definitely. The second has made me realise just how unhappy I am and har far I have travelled from my true self. The only reason I haven't turned my life upside down is my children.

She obviously needed change.

Can you suggest she sees a therapist to talk through this next stage of her life?! Would that work? Sounds like she needs support but very draining for a friend

It's her life, you can't make her live it the way you think she should. Have you encouraged her to get some counselling for her trauma?

If her personality, values and outlook has completely changed it could be the friendship has run its course.

Theres nothing you can do to make her realise what she is doing. Sadly, she will come to regret it

"har far"? I am Lady Muck!

How far, sorry.

If the support includes her talked Ng to you about what's going on and you giving her suggestions then just be honest to her.

She is having counselling but from what she says the counsellor mostly seems to affirm all her life choices (which I didn't think counsellors were supposed to do?)

In my experience you can't remain friends.

I've had a couple of situations where I've grown tired of friends behaviours. In one instance, they kept making awful choices with men and then spent all their time with me moaning about them. I didn't say half of what I wanted to, but I did tell them I wasn't willing to talk about relationship problems with them anymore. The relationship faded after that. I'm presuming that they wanted someone to listen to their moaning and got nothing from me anymore.

Second time, I realised that being diplomatic didn't guarentee saving the friendship, so I was blunt and honest. I told them they were behaving like a child. Of course, they didn't like it and that swiftly ended the friendship.

Keeping this person around you will just make you feel like you are complicit in their behaviour or endorcing or supporting it. It's better to be honest, and it will end the friendship.

The near death experience is a red herring/excuse.

I would distance myself and accept some people are stupid.

This is similar to my very close friend. She's wasting her time on a guy who is openly using her and she's desperately hanging on.
I'm losing respect and patience and at the same time I'm seeing less of her because of this awful guy.

Your friend is an adult. You need to distance yourself

I think counsellors do that if that’s what the person wants/needs. Maybe she does need to shake up her life?

Are you worried about her kids? Do they have dad or whoever around? Maybe they’re fine?

Fully agree with Mogwaimummy

My strategy is that I tell them the truth once and then if they try and discuss certain topics I say they already know how I feel about that and change the subject. Most of the time I've ended up letting the friendship go but I prefer knowing that I tried.

She sounds like she’s been through a lot and is having a midlife crisis. Parents divorcing at any age can have a significant impact on the kids even if they are adults. Lots going on in addition to a near-death experience, she needs support from a professional. Given how long you’ve been friends and all the history there do you really want to throw that away? I don’t envy your position, but equally I would struggle to walk away.