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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or should I just stop trying with FIL?

24 replies

Pipsquiggle · 27/12/2021 13:59

This Christmas has really brought home to me how miserable and negative my FIL is and I am just wondering if I should have as little to do with him as possible as he is such a mood hoover and tbh I don't want him to have ANY influence on my DC. He is not nasty or manipulative.

I have been married to DH for 12 years and was going out with him for 6 years before that. I have known my FIL for nearly 20 years - he has always been downcast. I have never known him to laugh and I have never known him have any friends. My MIL (sadly died last year) knew how to put him in his place - although I do think she lived a very small life due to having such a negative partner who never wanted to do anything. My DH has 2 brothers - all are introverted t

So do I just go as NC as possible with him - here are some examples over the years:
*He never thanks me for anything - he always thanks my DH, even when DH points out that I did the work.
*He has excluded me from family big birthday celebrations e.g. his 70th; even though I was married to DH and had given them grandchildren. He didn't want his daughter in law there just his sons.
*He always talks about conspiracy theories - government, pharma, landlords, the council ......... I try to reason with him with fact, he dismisses it. When my DH says exactly the same thing as me - he takes it onboard
*I am pretty sure he's a mysogynist
*He lives in isolation and is isolating
*My mum (who is genuinely a lovely woman) said yesterday 'God 'Dave' is such hard work - he is negative about everything'

My FIL did give his sons a substantial amount of money each a few months ago which was very generous of him, however, in a way I wish he had kept it and gone on lovely holidays with his late wife or done up their very rundown house.

Any tips on how to manage this?

OP posts:

Houseplantmad · 27/12/2021 14:00

Minimise contact. Why would you want to spend time with someone like this?

SoniaFouler · 27/12/2021 14:02

You sound quite judgmental and negative yourself, if I’m honest. Funny how his side of the family is described in the negative but your own mother is a “genuinely lovely woman”. Some bias going on there.

BadgerSparkle · 27/12/2021 14:02

I'd not go 'NC' as such, as its kind of a declaration of war really. But I would just leave him to dh in your shoes. You don't need to try so hard.

ANameChangeAgain · 27/12/2021 14:04

You don't need to do anything, just let your dh maintain his relationship with his dad, taking the children for visits etc. If he pulls you down then you don't need to go.

SueSaid · 27/12/2021 14:06

Oh op he's your dh's df. Stop over analysing it.

Pitch up, smile and that is about all that is required. As long as he isn't abusive and unpleasant I don't think you should cut contact because he's a bit quiet and miserable.

FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 27/12/2021 14:13

You can't change people.

Just continue to live your life. If he's isolating I assume he's not causing much harm?

FTstepmum · 27/12/2021 14:15

Being around him is not good for you and your children. He sounds emotionally harmful. You've put up with too much already.

Does your husband pick up on it? Would he ever say "Dad, why are you like this with DW?"

You've got to tell your DH how you really feel.

In the meantime, cut out all unnecessary contact.

And when you absolutely have to entertain him, endure it for a short time and stay in the kitchen/another room as much as possible.

Original poster

Pipsquiggle · 27/12/2021 14:29

Sorry, forgot to put this is the OP.

My DH and his brothers are crap at organising family get togethers. It usually falls to me and my SIL to arrange it all. If I just left it to my DH and his brothers it would mean we would see each other far less.

@SoniaFouler I definitely, definitely have a bias towards my DM - she's epic. If I am being judgmental after 20 years of enduring his negativity then so be it.

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 27/12/2021 14:30

Not seeing the problem here. You just minimise contact with him and bw him and the children and leave him to dh. Dont why you would want to go through the drama of nc.

SueSaid · 27/12/2021 14:32

'My DH and his brothers are crap at organising family get togethers. It usually falls to me and my SIL to arrange it all. If I just left it to my DH and his brothers it would mean we would see each other far less.'

Tbf that I'd not unusual but if it bothers you stop organising things. Maybe your fil just wants to see his sons now and again and doesn't actually want big family get togethers?

Original poster

Pipsquiggle · 27/12/2021 14:33

@FTstepmum - my DH knows his DF is very negative and difficult to get along with. He essentially said this the other week.

DH is very aware he doesn't want our DC to have the same emotional upbringing as he got.

OP posts:

BadgerSparkle · 27/12/2021 14:34

@Pipsquiggle I gently suggest that you and SIL take a step back and let DH and his brothers/father organise their own get together if they want to.
Out of all of them, who's company do you enjoy?
If it's SIL, get together for a coffee or something.
Do the men expect to to do the family organising, or is this something you feel compelled to do, as the females?

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2021 14:39

Do they see it as women's work then?

Ragwort · 27/12/2021 14:40

Just minimise contact, it's not up to you to facilitate the relationship between your DH and his DF ... leave them to it. If you want to visit your SIL or for cousins to meet up then just arrange that as a separate occasion. My DH hasn't met up with his side of the family for years .... doesn't worry me, slightly sad for my DS that he doesn't know cousins, aunts and uncles on DH's 'side' of the family but I am not going to get involved.

Devilmakes3 · 27/12/2021 14:46

I wouldn’t bother engaging with him if he has that negative an effect on your emotional energy levels. Your DH is bonded to him as as such can overlook some of his darker personality traits but he does sound very draining.

You can just consciously leave him out of your sphere of emotional influence. The one thing that I would stop doing if I were you though is wasting your time analysing his beliefs and his behaviours - he isn’t your type of person and that is absolutely okay.

billy1966 · 27/12/2021 14:53

Nearly 20 years of this?

Step away.

Tell your husband that all further contact will be for him to arrange.

Leave the man to himself.
He has zero interest in you.
Accept it and move on.

BigotSpigot · 27/12/2021 14:57

I had a similar FIL and it was draining. I withdrew and didn't visit and left all arrangements to DH. I did help from a distance though when FIL became more frail and DH needed support dealing with him.

user9764577436 · 27/12/2021 15:02

He’s miserable and you are unkind. He has to put up with you so put up with him.

SantasScaryHat · 27/12/2021 15:07

@user9764577436

He’s miserable and you are unkind. He has to put up with you so put up with him.

If he's only 'putting up' with OP she'd be doing him a service by stepping back a bit, I would think. Why do you think that it's OP's job to take responsibility for her FIL's happiness?

gsaoej · 27/12/2021 15:29

Lessen contact and expect nothing from him.

Leave your dh to deal with stuff related to him.

greyinganddecaying · 27/12/2021 15:42

Stop organising things! It's then up to them to keep their relationship going. Since you appear to get no thanks for organising, I'd stop bothering.

I used to facilitate things for my OP's friends (visits, birthday cards etc) & I had to stop because I was so overwhelmed with life that I couldn't juggle things any longer. He now hardly sees them because OH doesn't make the effort & neither do they! A shame, but that's life.

bananaboats · 27/12/2021 16:11

I agree with just taking a step back from him, i wouldn't want to spend time with someone like that either so i don't blame you. Leave it up to DH to manage him and if that means you don't see him much so be it.

phishy · 27/12/2021 16:13

YANBU, he sounds vile, ignore him and let DH meet him.

CelestiaNoctis · 27/12/2021 16:20

Just let him arrange with his father. I would honestly be pretty open about it because they surely know how negative and unpleasant he is. What a very sad life he lives/lived.

Flip