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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child abuse?

15 replies

Throwawaya · 27/12/2021 12:34

Hi. Created a throw away for anonymity.

About 2 years ago my dd, 4, had a sleepover with her female cousin, about 9.

After the sleepover, my dd said that the cousin made her do 'sloppy kisses' and it also came out that she made her drink milk from her breasts.

We told the parents (my husbands sister) and it was denied by the cousin. We spoke to dd school but we didn't really want to get the police involved.

Luckily we dont see them often, but of course, it's Xmas....so I get upset that we have to pretend nothing happened, we have to buy hers gifts and see them etc. My husband, as always, gets angry with me, says we should have done something the time. We have an argument. It's get forgotten. Ad infinitum......

My dd has not been affected by the events, I guess she was too young. But when she's older, and realises what happened was wrong, and we didn't protect her further, what then?

Aibu to say my solution is to cut them out? Just never see them again? Aibu to be so upset over it?

OP posts:

SameToo · 27/12/2021 12:37

You most definitely do not have to pretend nothing happened! For your daughters sake cut them off entirely. I think it’s very naive to say it hasn’t affected her.

katkitty · 28/12/2021 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

MissMaple82 · 28/12/2021 00:42

I wouldn't call this child abuse, and I'm not sure why you'd consider police involvement here. I'm not sure a 9 year old could sexually abuse! As above, sounds more like innocent role play to me.

Passtherioja · 28/12/2021 00:43

I think you need to keep your daughter well away from them. The child has denied it, her family have supported her and by taking your child back into contact you are agreeing that it didn't happen. Yes, it may be "children exploring" however I wouldn't want to risk my now 6 year old being "explored" by an 11 year old.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 28/12/2021 00:48

@MissMaple82 9 year olds can and do sexually abuse other children.

KittensWearingWoollyMittens · 28/12/2021 00:51

@MissMaple82 what nonsense! If it was that "innocent" OP's DD would never have mentioned it. As a PP said, this can and does happen.

KittensWearingWoollyMittens · 28/12/2021 00:54

@katkitty, why oh why have you mentioned autism when the OP hasn't?!

Allsortsofroses · 28/12/2021 00:54

I'd be concerned about what the 9 yr old has seen.

Has she seen breadf feeding of a younger sibling? That might be innocent.

The sloppy kissing however ...

I don't know if its worth counselling for your child.

MissMaple82 · 28/12/2021 01:04

It could very well and more than likely is innocent, its adults that make everything perverted. Kids are curious, kids play, it's part of growing up. The age difference is the issue here, a 9 year old is more curious than a 4 year old. And the child denied it because the adults made it seem like she'd done something wrong, im sure your not that old thst you can't remember lying as a kid when you thought you were in trouble

MissMaple82 · 28/12/2021 01:05

Probably seem people kissing on telly and a mother breastfeeding on a advert!

ScaredOfOverDiagnosis · 28/12/2021 01:10

The nine year old is an abuser - divorce your husband, he obviously thinks crap like this is normal.
The nine year old had no right to make your daughter do what she did.
In what world is that innocent?!
Her parents might be abusing her, that's where she's getting ideas from
Let the police and social services handle it.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 28/12/2021 01:20

It was 2 years ago and you've kept up the pretence that everything is OK?

I probably wouldn't have got the police involved, but I absolutely would have called SS to inform them.

I wouldn't be buying presents or making my dd go anywhere near any of them again. She learns her boundries and what's right and wrong from you and her dad. What has this taught her? That if she comes to you saying there has been inappropriate behaviour it gets swept under the carpet and you keep buying presents for the person who violated her.

Iamtired123 · 28/12/2021 14:36

As a victim of COCSA myself, keep your daughter away from her! She will resent you as an adult if you don't.

TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 28/12/2021 15:05

Definitely keep your daughter away from her and that side of the family.

I’d also be concerned that the 9 year old might have been abused or exposed to things she shouldn’t have.

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 28/12/2021 15:14

I'm a CP social worker...due to her age Police wouldn't typically be interested, she is under the age of criminal responsibility. Social services would want to explore to ensure as others have indicated that she hasn't/isn't being exposed to some form of abuse herself. They could also identify support for her around consent, safe touch etc if there wasn't any abuse identified. They would still consider this support two years on if you shared now.
In terms of your daughter if she isn't showing impact now I probably wouldn't look at theraputic input at this time. I'm sure you don't but I wouldn't leave my child alone with her again. I would have some empathy for the child, she may have behaved really inappropriately but she is still just a child.

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