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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want the house to myself occasionally?

46 replies

Paperskies · 27/12/2021 11:00

I love them, I really do … but noise (DH has to have TV or radio on) smells, constant questions - where is this, have you seen that, what is this (it’s an orange, I mean, did you actually need to ask me that?!)

I was single and on my own for years before I met DH so I do need to be careful what I wish for but I crave solitude and silence so much!

OP posts:
rugbychick1 · 27/12/2021 17:33

I really understand where you're coming from. I had years living by myself (and still miss those days occasionally). Fortunately DP doesn't work from home, and I work 4x10 hour shifts a week. So, once DD is at school on my day off I have the house to myself one day a week from 9am-2.30. I love it. The 2 of them were going to visit DP's family, who live a 3-4 hour drive away, this week but haven't due to the omicron variant. So, although I'm a bit disappointed they didn't go so I had a few days of peace around work, I'm also pleased they didn't go.

Allsorts1 · 27/12/2021 17:36

I can definitely relate to this! My DP is great socially when I take him out but I definitely go out way more than him, so he gets much more alone time in the house than I do and I really miss it! I get thrilled when he has plans and am like “stay out as long as you want!! Please!!” 😂

dementedma · 27/12/2021 17:38

God yes. DH at home drives me crazy with tedious comments about his football team and is endless noises; whistling, sniffing. I rarely get the house to myself.

phoenixrosehere · 27/12/2021 17:40

Can easily relate OP. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had the house to myself since my DH and I had children and our oldest is almost seven. DH decided to work from home permanently when lockdown eased so time to myself in our home went right out the window on top of having to continue to change my home routines because of his work. I happily went back to work just to get away and realised the only time I get to myself was my commute or going for walks after 9pm during lockdown. I was constantly taking the kids out so he could work in peace. I started gardening and diy so I could at least have something to myself. Now, he has an office which I painted and set up myself so it helps, but even then he comes looking for me, when he has a break or work is slow when I’m in the middle of something or trying to get a moment to myself. The older he gets the clingier he is becoming and the more I need space and feeling the lack of it. It’s tiresome to have to be the one constantly having to leave the house to get a quiet moment alone. Even having a shower involves hearing someone shouting or screaming. If DH died, I would probably not remarry or at least live with another person again after my sons moved out.

icedcoffees · 27/12/2021 17:45

YANBU at all. I would go insane if I didn't have my alone time everyday.

Ohyesiam · 27/12/2021 17:47

Yadnbu op. I need solitude to function.
I feel like having an affair with the house, as soon as everyone goes it I’ll like “ at last , just you and I alone together…”
And you are so right, it’s the constant questions. Have you seen my… ?where are the.,. ? Is the dishwasher clean or dirty? It’s like their brains atrophy in my presence.
And always when I’m basting a massive hot Turkey, or working out the timings for a meal, or heaven forbid , reading for pleasure😮.

Paperskies · 27/12/2021 17:50

Oh god I feel such a bond with some of you!

DH is like others, never leaves the house without me! It’s so annoying.

OP posts:
Tayegete · 27/12/2021 17:50

I wfh all the time and DH and DD are mostly at home too. However I have one day a fortnight when I’m off work and they both leave the house until 3.30. It’s bliss!

crochetmonkey74 · 27/12/2021 17:58

This is something I do not miss about ex DP . He literally would do NOTHING by himself out of the house bar maybe a 30 minute run 3 times a week. He had no hobbies that were not telly based and wouldnt do any outside jobs even. It drove me mad. Occasionally, he might have met friends but it often cancelled at last minute or the times changed etc. I would go to work super early just to have time by myself but I LONGED for time alone in the house

Allsorts1 · 27/12/2021 17:59

Sometimes I daydream about booking a remote cottage for a week and just going on holiday for the solitude haha. This WFH year has definitely made this worse, LUCKILY DP’s team is very much in 4 days a week regardless of what the current norms are, so when I am WFH I am alone - I really hate WFH when he is there, just can’t relax or focus on work or give him attention - he’s not particularly noisy but just the additional presence, and he’ll wander past and say something which I don’t hear (because, working) and then he’ll get upset that I’m not listening 🤣 also a lot of questions about what we are having for lunch, complaining that there is nothing in the cupboard… I’m like, I didn’t sign up to feed you every meal of the day! Sort your own lunch out!

Dancingqueen90 · 27/12/2021 18:01

With you on this...DH never leaves the house. Has zero hobbies...he should be back in the office 3 days a week but averages one day a week. But that's usually my office day so no good.

I asked to go back in the office earlier last year before it opened as I had to get out of the house.

He never takes the kids out for a bit. And wonders why the get so hyper.

He has next week off with the kids to no doubt they will just potter at home..but he would be quite happy if I took them out. I have asked to work from the office next week as I need the divide.

I never get the house to myself.

Sunset999 · 27/12/2021 18:03

I dream of having a little apartment or small little cottage where I could escape to, just me, wine and a book , bliss.....................

MrzClaus · 27/12/2021 18:05

I hear this OP! I love having a few hours to myself - my DH has a mumsnet favourite hobby, golf, I bloody love his Saturday mornings playing during summer 😂 I get to relax, potter about, go to the shops and do whatever I fancy for a morning. It's amazing!

Can you create an errand or two for him? Perhaps an online order that needs collecting?

I see all the posts here moaning about DPs with hobbies taking them out of the house, then posts like this desperate for alone time. We should arrange some DP swaps on mumsnet 😂

crochetmonkey74 · 27/12/2021 18:07

@Sunset999

I dream of having a little apartment or small little cottage where I could escape to, just me, wine and a book , bliss.....................
I have a whole pinterest board I made when I really felt the lack of solitude!
Peanut82 · 27/12/2021 18:10

YANBU
My dp has been off work since 23rd December and MIL has been here since 24th. I have enjoyed having him at home but I admit I was pleased when he announced he was going back with MIL (she lives in another city) to catch up with friends until tomorrow. My 2 eldest are staying out so it's just me, dd6 and the dog.
Heaven!

lborgia · 27/12/2021 18:16

I can't remember the last time I saw such a unanimous thread! Still waiting for a heckle from the back!

It's quite a relief to see it's not just me, although I'm not really in a position to complain, my husband still has to go out quite a lot, but I never know when it's going to be, and still have at least one child at home... I have ended up quite jittery and unable to appreciate any kind of space because I never know when he's going to be back. I'm a cow.

HelloDulling · 27/12/2021 18:20

Absolutely not. I would insist your DH takes your DC to visit his family once in a while. It’s the only way I get the house to myself now he works from home.

crochetmonkey74 · 27/12/2021 18:26

Why are some men like this? They never even take themselves out for a walk/a coffee/a browse of a shop

MinnieMountain · 27/12/2021 18:35

I’ve been looking at 1 bed detached houses on Rightmove this evening.

My DH isn’t as bad as done as he has a 90 minute bike ride on his lunch break a few times a week. But hockey practice in the evenings has stopped so he’s rarely out then. And he’s seemingly permanently WFH.

Maybe it’s not just peri-menopause causing me to get up early.

MinnieMountain · 27/12/2021 18:35

*some

LittleRoundRobin · 27/12/2021 23:03

@crochetmonkey74

Why are some men like this? They never even take themselves out for a walk/a coffee/a browse of a shop
I have NO idea. I honestly thought it was just my DH who was like this, and it's so refreshing and cathartic to see many other women with men the same!!! I mean, there are probably loads in real life, but they never say, and I never do either. Probably afraid of being judged or gossiped about.

He is 56 now, and I am 53. Up to some 12 years ago, he had 4 or 5 mates (from work) who he used to go to the pub with 2 or 3 times a month, and he would go jogging with them, and play pool. Plus he had a couple of mates in the neighbourhood too, who he would sit on the drive with, supping a can of beer on a sunny day, whilst watching them tinker with their motorbike or car. I would be sitting with their wife, supping a glass of wine while our kids played in the pool.(blow up on, not a fancy L.A. style one!) Grin

We moved house and he changed jobs around 12 years ago when he was around 43-44, and he lost touch with these mates. I stayed in touch with a couple of old (female) neighbours and made new friends, took on new hobbies, did lots of stuff with the kids etc, met friends for coffee or lunch 2 or 3 times a month, and just generally had a life (still do.)

DH however, just went into himself in his mid 40s, never socialised with anyone, no longer had friends, no longer wanted friends, and just went really anti social and unmotivated. And as many posters have said about their DH - he never EVER EVER goes out on his own.

I will pop to the shops alone, go for a walk by the river, and pop into maccies, or Morrisons cafe for a cake and a coffee, and I will sit there scrolling through my phone, or reading a book. He will NEVER do that. And whilst I am out, sometimes he just continually messages me 'whatcha doin?' and 'where are ya?' and 'how long are ya gonna be?' Confused

When he broke up for 10 days on 17th December, he said he is going for a walk every day he is off 'to blow away the cobwebs and get fitter.' He went for a 1.5 hours walk TWICE, then he got bored. He has not gone since. (CBA/too tired/too cold/too wet/too foggy etc etc etc...) I knew it wouldn't last.

As I said, I don't know why some men are like this now (particularly men over 45,) because as I said earlier, my dad was nothing like this in his middle age and older, and neither were any other men I knew. He had many hobbies and many friends, and used to love going to the social club and meeting his friends, 3 or 4 times a week, playing pool/dominos/darts etc. DH won't move his arse off the couch - unless he needs the loo.

When I was much younger, my dad (and the middle aged men in my life,) was a hard working industrious man, who retired at 65, after 50 years of work. He worked a hard manual job, and did 50 hours some weeks.

DH works 28 hours a week in a piss-easy job, and is lacklustre and lazy. He would retire tomorrow if he could, and has been praying we locked down again, so he can get a few months off again. The older he gets, the less motivated he is, and the lazier he is getting. It's so depressing when you come from a family of proud, hard working men. He has 3 to 4 weeks off 'sick' every year. My dad never had that much off in his entire 50 years of working life.

DH keeps developing ailment after ailment too. I think he is hoping he will get written off on full time sick to be honest. He won't though, because people have to have their head hanging off these days to stay on benefits due to sickness or illness. AND, there is fuck-all wrong with him.

DH was hard working, and did 42 hours a week in a foundry, and some weeks 10 hours extra with overtime. He did this for 23 years, (between 21 and 44,) and brought in a good wage. Then he stayed unemployed for about half a year, and got a cushy office job for 4 days a week, 7 hours a day, and he is so unmotivated and lazy now.

He won't even go to the pub with me, or join any classes or groups, or meet anyone for a pub lunch or anything. I just go on my own or with friends, or our adult DC. I feel like sticking a stick of dynamite up his arse sometimes.

Rant over! Ahhhhh, that felt good!

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