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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU asking for 2 x night alone with son

17 replies

akeys1970 · 27/12/2021 10:52

My partner and I of 5 years don't live together. He has been staying at my place for over a week. My 20 year old son (not his) is coming to stay with me today for a couple of weeks.

Last night I said to my partner that I love spending time with him and having him here but when he is here my son spends a lot of time in his room and this is probably because 3 is a crowd and it's human nature to do that when you are staying with a couple. I asked my partner if he could go home for a couple of nights this week so I can spend some time with my son.

My partner got really upset and has packed up his things this morning and left in a huff.
I told him I didn't want him to go and didn't intend for him to leave for the whole week.

I understand he is hurt but I want to spend time with my son one to one.

Could I have handled it better?AIBU?

OP posts:
Norts10 · 27/12/2021 11:18

YANBU to want a few days with your son.
The only thing I would say is it doesn’t sound like you’ve given him much notice to leave. Unless the trip with your son was arranged last minute, but if not I’d have probably told him at the time of arranging the trip that you’d like a bit of time alone.

Original poster
akeys1970 · 27/12/2021 11:23

Yes I agree Norts10 I should've discussed this a week ago when he first came then expectations would have been managed.

I assumed he would be going home for a few days this week and he assumed he was staying. Classic communication problems which we have all the time.

OP posts:
AthenaPopodopolous · 27/12/2021 11:26

I’d say jobs a good one OP. He will come out his huff. Enjoy your time with your son. And well done for being open with your boyfriend. I’d say you have firm boundaries and I admire that.

Classicblunder · 27/12/2021 11:27

I don't understand your dynamic. Surely you discuss before he arrives - i.e. invite him for a period of time?

AhNowTed · 27/12/2021 11:36

Perfectly understandable OP. He should have recognised that yes, his presence means your son retreats to his room, and been a bit more magnanimous and fecking adult about it. And thought for one moment about your sons welfare rather than his own comfort.

Not pre-judging OP but does he contribute equally while he's there, or is he pissed off that his cheap Xmas has come to an end?

amnm · 27/12/2021 11:52

From what you've said, it sounds better that you're spending the time alone with your son.

But I would think about how you communicate this to your partner in future. I can understand your partner being upset if you just told him that with very short notice. It might come across that you're rejecting him in favour of your son.

It is a bit strange though that after 5 years, your son still doesn't feel comfortable enough around him. That's something perhaps to work on.

Original poster
akeys1970 · 27/12/2021 12:22

Classicblunder
We usually spend alternate weekends at each others houses plus one night in each during the week.

He announced a couple of Sats ago he was staying with me for the week before Christmas which I agreed to. We didn't discuss what was happening after xmas.

Thanks Athena

Ahnowted no he hasn't contributed actually

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 27/12/2021 12:27

"Ahnowted no he hasn't contributed actually"

And there's your answer OP.

AhNowTed · 27/12/2021 12:34

Ffs these always end up the same.

Nothing to do with your son.

He's had a free Xmas which you no doubt catered for and washed up.

Do NOT apologise. You are completely in the right.

Let him huff. I wouldn't be having a tight wad back but that's entirely up to you.

But lesson learned here OP.

Unless he brought a case of wine or similar, I'm afraid he's using you.

Kite22 · 27/12/2021 12:42

Classic communication problems which we have all the time.

I think you have answered yourself here, OP

If this is a relationship where that is as far as it is going - 5 years in and still living apart and seeing each other at weekends + 1 night in the week - then that is fine if that is what you both want, but for either of you to then move those boundaries you are happy with and turn it into a 'happy families' scenario needs you both to have those conversations in advance.
If one of you feels they want to move towards a move permanent 'family' situation, then again, be adult and discuss it.

What he has done has sort of assumed you would just be 'available' when he wanted to change the parameters.
Not unreasonable, after 5 years, to be thinking about where the relationship is going, but something to be discussed, not assumed.

EverNapping · 27/12/2021 12:45

Unless there's something magical about him I'd be using this as the beginning of the wind up period for your relationship.

RiojaRose · 27/12/2021 12:46

Hasn’t contributed? Is this typical for him, or a one-off oversight? If it’s par for the course I’d be reconsidering the relationship.

pinkyredrose · 27/12/2021 12:49

Why does your son hide from him after 5 yrs? Maybe it's your son that's rude?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2021 12:51

I can’t tolerate huffing. He’s gone, let him stay gone.

RhymesWithOrange · 27/12/2021 13:14

Wannabe Cocklodger? Does he pitch in or do you wait on him as well as pay for everything?

BingBongToTheMoon · 27/12/2021 13:27

@AhNowTed

Ffs these always end up the same.

Nothing to do with your son.

He's had a free Xmas which you no doubt catered for and washed up.

Do NOT apologise. You are completely in the right.

Let him huff. I wouldn't be having a tight wad back but that's entirely up to you.

But lesson learned here OP.

Unless he brought a case of wine or similar, I'm afraid he's using you.

Totally agree!
Original poster
akeys1970 · 28/12/2021 10:50

Thanks for your replies everyone, it helps to hear different perspectives

OP posts:
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