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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

(Tw CSA) husband checking on me and dd (3)

9 replies

Dottysmum18 · 27/12/2021 09:32

This is long and slightly convoluted so bare with me .
On Christmas day my daughter (3) was extremely excited and we tried to make it magical. She had mentioned a stocking by her bed and we had never done this before for our other child (ds10) but we wanted to make her happy so did one by her bed to open in the morning ( this is relevant for "santa" being in her room which i also sleep in with her ).
My dd received a large dolls house from her nan later that day and while the doors where open slightly she stumbled and sat down hard on the open doors edge , this obviously upset her and she was upset but quickly forgot it with the excitement of the day.
Later she was playing and began getting upset holding herself , I comforted her and took her to the bathroom to check her vulva as she sometimes gets sore from not wiping correctly I made sure she was clean and applied some nappy cream just incase this was the case . She continued to wimper and hold herself and said " my vagina has a crack , santa came and put a crack on it " I looked at my DP as this was a really strange thing to say . I asked her to explain what she ment but she couldn't other then repating what she said . It then occured to me that she had fallen on the dolls house earlier and that was proberly what was making her a little sore. She was quickly fine and carried on playing. This set alarms ringing as a victim of CSA myself , as to why she would say this , but I know she is safe at night as she sleep in the same room as me and my DP sleeps downstairs down stairs due to a disability and my ds in his own room , so I just note to be very viligent for a while and continue to talk to my children about never keeping secrets and the pants rule to keep them as safe as possible.
This comes to last night I had gone to bed early about 9 but was struggling to sleep I was drifting of when my DD started to shout out in her sleep , this sometimes happens and I assume is dreams , while she was moaning I was taking her " your fine Go back to sleep" " shhhh baby go to sleep" this lasted for maybe a minute she had just gone back to sleep when my DP opened the bedroom door and asked what was going on . This I highly unusual he never comes onto my bedroom at night in all of DD life he has never seen to her in the night, and getting up the stairs is difficult for him so must have been very determined. He asked me what was going on and I just explained that she was dreaming and I was just reassuring her that she was ok , she was in her cot bed and I was in mine a good 10foot from each other . Dd was sleeping fine at that moment and he left he said " I might sleep up here today ,which once agin hadnt happened in about 2 years and left my door ajar which I don't do either . This was all very odd and I can only presume that he was also put on guard by what my DD said and was checking on her . If this is true my first instinct is to be really offended as the implication is disgusting and I can't belive that could occur to him, but my second is to be happy that is he is also being viligent about her safely and understand that he was just doing what had occured to me . Should I be offened I cant get it straight in my mind . I don't think DD is in danger as I said I do all her personal care and she sleeps in the same room as me, I think she just is has begun to explore her self and had just realised there is a " crack" down there and with all the excitement of santa said something that makes no sence but must have set alarms ringing for both of us . Also should I talk to him about it as he hasn't explicitly stated that this was his train of thought but I cant think of any other reason why he would do what he did.
Yabu you shouldn't be offered as you are both being vigilant as you should
Yanbu the implications are disgusting and you should be highly offened

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 27/12/2021 09:34

Are you saying that you think there is a possibility your dp is sexually abusing your 3 year old?

GrazingSheep · 27/12/2021 09:35

Or that he thinks you are sexually abusing her?

Dottysmum18 · 27/12/2021 09:40

I think that we both know the implication of what she said could possibly be and are both being hyper viligant I know that she is safe as she is only ever with me my partners disability means that don't look after her by himself , but then the implication is he thinks I'm capable of that and that thought is making me feel sick

OP posts:
LadyCatStark · 27/12/2021 09:59

Tbh in the nicest possible way and understandable given your experience, you’re both over reacting. She’s probably not noticed “down there” before and was surprised and put 2 and 2 together and got 5. You know Santa hasn’t abused her as there is no Santa so what she’s saying can’t be the case.

GrazingSheep · 27/12/2021 10:09

And he feels the same way - that you think he would be capable of it
Presumably you will have a conversation about it today?

Dottysmum18 · 27/12/2021 10:13

I just know that to keep your children safe u have to presume everyone is capable of it .
Yes I will ask him today

OP posts:
SpellBounds · 27/12/2021 10:18

You both sound ridiculous sorry. You're massively projecting your fears onto your daughter and if you carry on like this you're going to scar her for life. Ease up. Chill out.

I cant believe either of you would seriously sit there and believe the other is sexually abusing your child and be that suspicious you'd think along those lines and then check up on each other. Where is the trust.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 27/12/2021 10:36

If you feel you have to guard your DD 24/7 to protect her from her father and her 10-year-old brother then you are seriously in need of counseling.You will do lasting harm to your daughter with your fears.

NellieBertram · 27/12/2021 10:53

I think you’re both just being vigilant of her safety.
Your DP isn’t accusing you of anything, but a good parent would never rule anything out.

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