Anxiety about my my teens becoming adults

[wouldyoutoo]

I have a DS who is 17 (year 12) and a 15 year old DD. They have no idea I feel like this as I’m desperately trying to go with the flow and let them get on with their lives.
DS has a good social life and a nice group of friends but I know some of them vape, pretty sure some smoke weed (don’t think DS does but maybe) they all drink whatever they can get their hands on when one of them has a party. I’m pleased he’s having fun but worry about drugs or going off the rails and messing up his future etc.
He has a girlfriend who is lovely. Pretty sure they’re having sex (he’s got condoms, we’ve had a chat etc), but I still worry about things like pregnancy or if she breaks his heart or if she distracts him too much from his college work.
He’s very laid back and I worry he’s not going to put in the effort needed to get the grades he needs to do the course he wants at university.
DD hasn’t started any of this yet, but I imagine I’ll be even more worried about her with her being quite small and vulnerable and female.
Whilst I love this stage, it’s really hard letting them just get on with it and hoping for the best which is pretty much what I’m doing. I worry I should I be doing more to make sure they don’t mess up.

Honestly - the teenage transition into adult years can be so hard, you sound like an amazing mum to be considering the problems that can arise.
My advice for what it’s worth is to keep talking to them, make sure that they can come to you with their problems, let them know they’ll always be loved no matter what, and try to support their decisions even though you may disagree with them.
My eldest ds will be 20 in a couple of months and the past year has been my hardest as a parent, but we’re through the worst I think now.
Youngest ds is 15 and I have it all to come!

It’s a worry but it’s pretty much out of your control now so I think just letting them develop and offering guidance where you think it may help (particularly with studies) is all you can do.

To be honest it sounds like you have the balance right. You aren’t responsible for making them get good grades, if they can’t do it at 17 and thinking of going to uni then who will push them at uni to get good grades?

You sound like a lovely parent who is doing everything well, the fact that you worry and think about this all means you are doing a great job.

Why are you worrying so much. Your anxiety is out of control. Please speak to your GP.

I think it's normal to worry about their futures but also to remember yourself at that age.

I may not have been the most sensible person, but I knew I needed to make a living, that my elderly parents couldn't support me for long, that I had no intention of living their lives. I always knew I had to secure some kind of professional career.

Don't underestimate your dcs, it sounds like you've done a good job so far, they are happy and well balanced, they have you and your dh for a safety net. They'll be fine.

@wouldyoutoo

I have a DS who is 17 (year 12) and a 15 year old DD. They have no idea I feel like this as I’m desperately trying to go with the flow and let them get on with their lives. DS has a good social life and a nice group of friends but I know some of them vape, pretty sure some smoke weed (don’t think DS does but maybe) they all drink whatever they can get their hands on when one of them has a party. I’m pleased he’s having fun but worry about drugs or going off the rails and messing up his future etc. He has a girlfriend who is lovely. Pretty sure they’re having sex (he’s got condoms, we’ve had a chat etc), but I still worry about things like pregnancy or if she breaks his heart or if she distracts him too much from his college work. He’s very laid back and I worry he’s not going to put in the effort needed to get the grades he needs to do the course he wants at university. DD hasn’t started any of this yet, but I imagine I’ll be even more worried about her with her being quite small and vulnerable and female. Whilst I love this stage, it’s really hard letting them just get on with it and hoping for the best which is pretty much what I’m doing. I worry I should I be doing more to make sure they don’t mess up.

My eldest is 12 but I know I'll be worrying about this.

I have to remind myself that I smoked cigarettes at school, got regularly plastered at parties to the point of throwing up, and all the usual. Still managed to get top A levels and into cambridge.

All you can do is have the conversations. You can't control them or guarantee anything. I think if you can accept this it actually helps them take responsibility for themselves more.

The real difficulty is where the teen has no worries or concerns about their behaviour and its impact on their future, and instead the parents hold all the worry.

I tell mine is important they are concerned about their own progress at school, because doing the best they can will give them the widest choices in life and the most agency/freedom.

I guess when the time comes I well stash to them about sex like that. If you have a baby it will be a responsibility you can't walk away from for the rest of your life. You won't have as much freedom or choice as other young people who are not parents. And I will tell my son that it while he might be able to make his view known, ultimately the decision will be with his gf and her family. If he wants more control than that, then it's down to him to take precautions.

Mine are the same ages. It is difficult as they have to make their own choices on the one hand and on the other hand everything they do effects you.

With covid it's far more difficult to keep an eye on the academic side of things too. Mine have both had missed assessments and different teachers for various things.

One thing I've made very clear is I'm not looking after any baby. You have a baby, I'm not paying for it and I'm not looking after it.

I dunno, The drink and the girlfriend wouldn't bother me but the weed would. I've seen too many of my DCs friends lose all motivation with life because of it.
Kids that could have gone to top unis, now sat in their dressing gowns all day gaming. My DH smoked weed (heavily) when we first got together and he became quite paranoid at one point. I made mine promise they wouldn't touch it and to the best of my knowledge they haven't.

I suppose it’s hard hoping you’ve done enough during their earlier years to ensure they make the right choices and aren’t too swayed by peer pressure and what their mates are doing.
@HunterGatherer it’s the weed and drugs in general that bothers me most too. I don’t even know if his friends smoke it but assume he comes into contact with kids that do as I know it’s everywhere. Of course he tells me he doesn’t and I’ve never seen any signs of it but he’s unlikely to tell me if he has (they know I’m very anti drugs).
I don’t worry about them all the time, but every now and then when I think about what could go wrong I can get myself in a panic.

What exactly could go wrong? What are you panicking about specifically?

@Oblomov21 nothing specific at all! Just the fear of ‘what if?’ I suppose.

I think worrying is normal and fine. Acting on the worry and panic is when you have to step back. I agree with the others, Good job recognizing what you are doing and keeping it in perspective.

Just remember, you made mistakes at that age, so did I, and so did everyone else. The very best thing for them right now is to make those mistakes and learn from them.

If they mess up
You support them
Stop worrying g about what has not happened yet
And might not happen