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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents make no effort

20 replies

DayToNight · 27/12/2021 08:08

It takes at least 8 hours for us, DH, DS (3) and dog to drive down to visit my parents. They have not visited us, we met once this year half way. When we do visit they never change from their daily routine. Walk the dog round the same field twice a day, otherwise stay in and watch TV. AIBU to hope they would plan or join in a day activity? It doesn't seem to enter their head that we might want to do something, I try suggesting a lot of (free) things but they never join us. Not even a suggestion of maybe waking the dogs around a different field for a bit of a change. We are feeling very cooped up. It seems like such a wasted trip as I feel guilty for leaving them for a few hours during the day when we have hardly got to see them this year. However if we don't get out we would go slightly crazy.

OP posts:

HollysBush · 27/12/2021 08:13

Did they take you out much as a child?

IsDaveThere · 27/12/2021 08:15

How old are they, is an 8 hour drive to visit your a bit much for them? Perhaps they think that after driving for 8 hours you would be tired and want to stay at home for a rest?

To be honest, if I had driven all that way to visit my parents, I wouldn't be disappearing out for a few hours.

Cottagepieandpeas · 27/12/2021 08:21

I would have thought it was fine to go off and do things, without parents if they don’t want to.

Maybe they don’t mind you disappearing for a couple of hours?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 27/12/2021 08:22

Mines the same! So nice to know Im not alone.

greenteafiend · 27/12/2021 08:23

To be honest, if I had driven all that way to visit my parents, I wouldn't be disappearing out for a few hours.

They've got a 3yo though? 3yos need exercise and fresh air, otherwise they're just bouncing off the walls and won't go to bed at night.

Can you just find something to do close to their place and basically say "We'd like to do this. Can you join us there?" And if they don't want to, then just go by yourselves and go to their place afterwards to relax with some TV etc.

Nosnowthisyear · 27/12/2021 08:24

Yes go out and invite them along. It doesn’t sound as if they would be interested but you can’t all stay in for 24 hours a day.

Original poster

DayToNight · 27/12/2021 08:27

Thanks for your replies. We're staying for 4 days. I do suggest things that are near by and easy to do, they just don't want to join.

They can get the train or fly up I pick them up from the airport or station. They just don't want to leave home - they are 72 and 64 so I understand they might not want to do very active things.

OP posts:

olympicsrock · 27/12/2021 08:38

They are not old particularly the sixty four year old, just lazy and stuck in a rut.
They need to understand that this is boring and that they need to make an effort with visitors or you will stop coming.

PicaK · 27/12/2021 08:43

My parents are the same. But me and a lot of my friends have found that covid has really robbed them of a lot. They've gone rigid with routine and frightened to do anything new.
Just forge ahead doing your own thing and enjoy the contact you do have. You won't change them.

Original poster

DayToNight · 27/12/2021 08:50

@HollysBush

Did they take you out much as a child?

My mum and previous step dad did not take me out much as a child - I guess it is not new behaviour and therefore I am being a little unreasonable. I was pretty much left to my own devices and they did their own thing. I guess as my mum keeps saying she wants to be more involved with DS it would mean they would interact with us

OP posts:

3ismylot · 27/12/2021 08:56

MIL is very similar, she won't drive to us (3hrs) and has reluctantly got a train and I then picked her up twice in the last 5 years, but we had to pay for it and organise it all.
When we go to hers, the only place we ever go is for the odd meal but again only if we organise and pay for it, she has the TV on old repeats (loudly) the whole visit and will not put anything else on.
Now the kids are teenagers they are bored as hell everytime we go and so are we so we are just going less and less! I tell DH he is welcome to go whenever he wants but even he can't be bothered!
It feels harsh but we lead busy lives and I really begrudge giving up our already limited family time to sit bored in her home.
You cannot change then but you also can stop wasting your time visiting and it's down to them to connect the dots x

WhoIsBernieBrown · 27/12/2021 08:58

My parents are the same OP. We just crack on and do our own thing, go for drives and walks on the beach. If they want to come along they can, but I can't stand being cooped up inside all the time, especially with a toddler to entertain.

It's your time off too. You've driven 8 hours to be there, you may as well enjoy it rather than sitting about watching telly!

For what it's worth my parents won't come to see us either, but then complain they don't see DD enough. It's extremely hard when it's down to you to put in all of the effort, I feel your pain.

schoolsoutforever · 27/12/2021 09:10

Yes, in my experience grandparents tend to be like this. Want visitors (or say they do) but don’t actively do anything when you visit. I have encouraged my mum to do more with our grandchildren when we now visit and she has taken to it and enjoys it but it probably wouldn’t have occurred to her before that. Other grandparents never did anything with our kids and it wasn’t my place to say anything to them. I always thought before that that Grandparents would be clamouring to take the kids out but that has never been my experience (a little sadly).

HairyScaryMonster · 27/12/2021 09:42

My parents are like this. They live by the sea but when they visit they can tolerate about an hour sitting watching the kids having fun before they've got shopping to do, are worried about covid (other families far away) or some other excuse.

They're 4 hours away and go to bed at 9 latest so we don't get hardly any time with them after the kids are in bed.

I've given up. They're just not interested in us.ast saw them 18 months ago.

Madcats · 27/12/2021 09:57

My in-laws were a little like that. You should probably cut them some slack because they've had to amuse themselves in lockdown and (perhaps) discovered that they liked it.

Go out for a couple of hours and enjoy yourselves. Other people's 3 year olds can come as a bit of a shock and they could probably benefit from a bit of peace and quiet.

Take some photos, come back happy....you might be able to lure them out (but, since they were homebodies when you were growing up, I suspect they are still happy with their routine).

FWIW we manufacture all sorts of reasons to stay in a nearby Premier Inn/Travelodge precisely so that we aren't stuck doing nothing.

greenteafiend · 27/12/2021 10:05

they are 72 and 64 so I understand they might not want to do very active things.

Unless there is a backstory about medical issues, it's a bit feeble (and physically very unhealthy) for them to insist on just sitting at home in front of the TV all day for four days apart from a brief 2x/day circuit of a field with the dog. Especially the 64yo. Most 64yos I know still work full time!

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 27/12/2021 10:22

In the nicest possible way, if think sometimes it can be easy for you to think that your parents will be besotted with their grandkids and that it will be a "do over" for your own childhood. They will suddenly magically transform into fun, energetic grandparents, who want to take them to the park, invent crazy games together, be endlessly fascinated by their chatter, etc. But if that's not what they were like when YOU were young, it's unlikely they'll be like that now, espec as they're 30 years older.

People can change... but they mostly don't.

Brainwave89 · 27/12/2021 10:29

Hi OP, I think that we all have a nice cosy view of what our parents will do when we have DCs. My mum was ill when my first DC was born and passed away just before my second was born. My Dad was relatively young, and we made real efforts to involve him in their upbringing. The upshot is, he was not really interested. It is a family joke now the kids are older that in the 24 years that followed, he took our two DCs out twice (which is true). We, and our DC just gave up trying after a while and accepted the position as was. We would see him a number of times a year, but his DGs hardly new him. When he was dying, we looked after him, and the DGs were great with him then. However, so much was missed- but it was his loss.

topcat2014 · 28/12/2021 10:36

MIL is like this, I call her a 'non doer'.

Doesn't entertain, or cook, or go anywhere apart from shops.

Hasn't changed in 20 years.

DD (15) tolerates her, but, in no way is she an amazing grandmother.

Fortunately MIL is only five doors away.

shepabear · 28/12/2021 11:40

My husbands parents are like this. We live abroad and haven't been back for over a year, came back for a few weeks this Christmas. Staying with them and they just make the least amount of effort possible with our son. Barely say hello in the morning, talk to our child like he's 2 (he's 7), don't want to do anything with him. They just sit around and watch tv, they don't ever offer to put anything kid friendly on or do stuff like watch films with their grandchild, or bake cookies/take him to the park/build Lego with him etc... They think that buying him Christmas presents and giving him a bedtime cuddle is making an effort and it's really sad. He doesn't make any attempt to play with them, but when we go to my parents house he's playful and chatty. My husband said it was like this when he was a child too, so I don't know why we ever thought they might show some enthusiasm for their grandchild when they could barely bother with their kids growing up. But when we FaceTime them from abroad they guilt us about the fact that we live abroad and they don't get time with their grandson - yet once he's here they don't bother. Our son will grow up and have no real relationship with them and that's entirely on them, because we've really tried to get them to properly engage with him and they just can't seem to do it.

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