Overnights with das!

[Wednesdayafternoon]

I have 2 children under 5. Dad walked out during my second pregnancy so has never live with my youngest. Youngest is 18 months but breast feeds tk sleep, not a good sleeper does not independently sleep. Dad spends 5 hours a week with him. Eldest sleeps over 2 nights which sounds a lot but during that time dad is at work and he's at school.
I think dad is going to start pushing for overnights but child is just not ready for it. He still BF and relies on it. He would be so upset and I would be so concerned about how he would be looked after.
Just needing soem support on this. I'm having terrible anxiety.
History of emotional abuse from ex.
I want to continue to BF son until he's 2 which is the recommended age unless ofc my child stops naturally beforehand which I accept and am happy about. I just want to follow his lead basically and let him wean naturally and sleep independently before he goes.
I was particularly triggered by this as ex bought my eldest pjs and the youngest matching ones and my eldest told me. He has a history of planting seeds in my eldest head before discussing anything with me.
Amibu to want hold back ok overnights because I feel my son is not ready and still bf at 18 months?

Please be sensitive with your replies. This is such a sensitive subject for me!

Anyone? :)

I would just say no. You're not at all unreasonable to feel the way you do.

Do you have a legal agreement in place? Is he on both birth certificates? Is he otherwise a caring father?

I don't know what a family court would say but that would be a long way off so for now just stick to your guns. Don't apologise, just brush it off as an impossibility until baby is at least fully weaned.

I think if he walked out and your DS has not had an overnight stay - he stays overnight when you say he can. He doesn't get to fuck off and call the shots.

If he disagrees, he can fight it in court.

Of course, unless you have any safety concerns, you will need to eventually consider overnight if Dad wishes but I think the arrangement is right for now.

Thank you both! In the early days he used to threaten to take him off me all the time and even told me I was selfish to breast feed so it's such a touchy subject. He always like to play the victim because I spend more time with them and uses that leverage to make me feel like he has the upper hand! But in my deep down heart he is just not ready, it would be so unfair on his, bf or no bf! I just don't know how long o can reasonably say this for :(

You can carry on refusing until he gets a formal agreement on overnights. Sounds like it would be unpleasant for all if your younger son wasn’t with you anyhow!

Just to answer previous question, nothing legal in place and he is on the birth certificate.

He is just clueless when it comes to babies and overnights. He thinks just because he's dad he can settle but he has no concept of what some needs and wants and the one who would suffer is both of my sons :(

He may settle if you're not around. But he hasn't asked for overnight yet so don't need trouble halfway.

@RedHelenB this is the type of thing he would say. But knowing my son and how he settles with others, I don't feel comfortable him sleeping elsewhere until he is weaned and can sleep independently.

[quote Wednesdayafternoon]@RedHelenB this is the type of thing he would say. But knowing my son and how he settles with others, I don't feel comfortable him sleeping elsewhere until he is weaned and can sleep independently.[/quote]
He may just be right. I know it's hard but he is his father and because you aren't together it does mean he will do things his way and you yours. As I said if he's not asked for overnights he may not until he is 2.

I stick to my earlier post then - if he asks, just look baffled and say no, that would be ridiculous. He's still breastfed, dad doesn't have a "right" to overnights at this age, it's about what is best for the baby.

But you may need to prepare to get legal advice - which can be pricey.

I would try and not worry about something that hasnt actually happened yet. Totally normal for a dad to buy his son matching PJs bit odd if he did only buy the eldest. If it does come up just calmly say that you will talk about starting overnights when youngest is 2.

Thank you all.
I really am trying my best to not think too far into the future. I've had a lot of emotional trauma from this man particularly around childcare and I feel extremely protective of my littlest because of how he treated us and bullied me in the early days! I just don't know how to stay strong in these situations so I just worry 😩
But I appreciate the support and Responses here!

I think it would be more than fair to say that before he does overnights then he needs to have him for longer (a full day or a couple of days in the week)
If I’m honest I do think that he’d settle him without the breastfeed as just from a general point there are lots of mums who breastfeed their babies to sleep but when they go out for an evening the dad manages to settle the child but there’s an existing relationship there which needs to be developed.
From my experience with children the more used to overnights they are from this age the easier it is for them to settle compared to starting overnights when they’re older

Ok, it is very unlikely that the court will uphold the need to breastfeed for two years - it's a protected characteristic for 6 months (unless you are in a non-British jurisdiction, perhaps)

If he took this to court, he will be awarded overnights for both his DC and it might be better if you got used to that idea. There will however be a transition period, so it might help if you start working out how you will cope. Because (and not meaning this in a hostile sort of way) this really is about you. If you wanted to end the night feeds and otherwise prepare your DC to spend time with sibling and father (and it is the child's right or have a relationship with both parents) then you wouid find a way.

The elder DC isn't suffering from his father's cluelessness, and there is no reason to think that he will be a bad father. Though of course the longer he is denied opportunities the less chance he will get to learn all the best ways.

How he treated you is unrelated to the father/sons relationship.

You say you have terrible anxiety. Have you sought help for that?

So I've had cbt therapy and I'm in the waiting list for counciling. My trauma from my emotional abuse has NEVER EVER I so yes my children. I've had Ed them over with a smile and never confronted their dad or let it be shown how I've been treated.

We aren't just talking about one sleepover, we are talking about my son sleeping over every week and as his mum I know that he is simply not ready for that. His best interest is to go when he is ready. I had a sickness bug recently and my mum came and tried to help and my so. Got that distressed he didn't sleep whatsoever and cried so much he was sick.I had to come and stay up with him when I was sick.
My eldest was a badsleeper but when her got a bit older he improved.

We were working to ok tease the time he spent with ds but that stopped and he started bringing him home early. He'll pick it up again when it suits him.

Regarding ds1, the difference there is that he lived with his dad and was an established sleeper and. Oils talk by the time we split. There's been many times his dad has lied to me about his sleep or issues whilst he's been there which is adding to my hesitancy.

I know that DS2 will have to sleep and I will do the right thing when he's ready but right now he is not.

@AnguaResurgam just on the point of you saying this is about me, have you breast fed a toddler? Do you know how hard I've worked doing every single night feed and night wake completely on my own? How hard it's been when I've had mastitis and breast feeding thrush and a child that feeds from one side only. He still pulls at my top when he wants a feed, he settled the second he's latched, he is absolutely not ready to be weaned. At a time of Covid I'm happy to give him the best nutrition and protection I can with BM. My eldest naturally weaned and that was always my intention with my second. Stopping breast feeding a child is not just black and white WHO recommend BF until 2 so that has always been my goal but if he chose to stop before / like my eldest did at 19 months then the break would be welcome!!!

But this is not just purely about BF. This is about my son who doesn't independently sleep or talk and as his mum I know he is t ready to sleep over but my opinion doesn't get listened to worth him. He picks and chooses when he wants to put his effort in when it suits his life.

Yes, I breast fed all mine - first to quit (their choice) was about a year, most persistent just over 2. And completely on my own for several 6month stretches.

So yes, I have direct experience (x3) of dealing with older babies and toddlers. And yes, a court would be highly likely to say you can have some transition time, because no-one would choose to just stop (though of course sometimes people just have to do it that way, and it is achievable).

And no matter how much you might wish that it were otherwise, BFing is a protected characteristic only for the fist six months, and he could have asked for the transition many months earlier, with a very strong chance the courts would agree.

But I'm not talking about court, as I said in my previous post we do not have anything like that set up. It has always been based on what has been best for our son and to take something away which he relies on for his sleep for the sake of rushing overnight access to a man who spends a handful of hours a week with him is only putting the dads interest first and not the son.

But we don't have to agree on this matter. The hesitance for overnights isn't just due to BF, as I've mentioned in other comments.

He might decide to take it to court. It's not entirely up to you.

If he did, there is a good chance that he will secure overnight contact (though I would expect a transition period)

Ok thanks

How did you resolve this in the end OP? Considering similar scenarios in the future 😔