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to want nothing to do with MIL

25 replies

emptypurse · 20/12/2007 20:57

Sorry if this gets long!
DP and I have been together 3 years and have a 17 month old DS.
When DP and I first got together I was really close to his mum and loved visiting/having her visit but I didnt get on with his Dad (they are seperated and both remarried )
His Dad is a horrible man in my opinion and treats DP like dirt, He is always looking down his nose at him and telling him what he should be achieving and doing with his life but never praises him for what he has, luckily we only have to put up with him every 3-5 months and the odd email inbetween visits but it always gets me down when we do see him. DS wasnt planned but was a welcome suprise to everyone except FIL who said he was too young to be a grandad (he is 56 and retired!) and has only seen DS about 6 times since he was born and never interacts with him when he does bother to visit.
MIL on the other hand was over the moon at the news and was forever thanking me for this wonderful "gift" they lived just over an hour away and would visit every couple of months but she would phone a couple of times a week and we would chat for hours.
DP and I have had our problems in the past have nearly split a few times, about 5 months ago I was watching tv and DP was upstairs on the computer and when he came down I didnt notice so he started shouting at me that I didnt love him and that I was a bitch! Cue arguement! I told him he was pathetic and he stormed out of the house and threatened to kill himself! I talked him round and he came home but I was very angry with him for his behaviour and told him that I wanted out of the relationship, I text his mum and said i was sorry that we were over and that I hoped she would remain part of DS life, they were supposed to be visiting the next day and obviously this got cancelled.
DP begged me not to go and we eventually talked everthing through and agreed to stay together.
The next day I found out that MIL had sent DP a text saying that " I was always calling wolf and she was fed up of it"
DP spoke to her and told her that the text had upset me and she said that I was "like the daughter she never had" That night I couldnt help myself and looked through DPs phone and found other messages saying stuff like "call her bluff" and "let her sulk" that had been sent weeks and months before! I was so hurt because I though we got along, MIL phoned the next day and I didnt pick up because I didnt know what to say to her and then she rang over the next couple of days but I wasnt in, The next thing I know is that I get a text message saying " I have tried to contact you several times to no avail, i stand by what I said, wont try again I thought we had a good relationship but obviously not"
This caused a big arguement between DP and I and he said "If you wont speak to my mum then I dont want you in my life" and we split and I moved 2 hours away to live near my mum and dad.
Dp followed me down and begged for another chance and apologising and in the end he moved down here to start a fresh.
The problem is that I am still not speaking to his mum and she is still slagging me off behind my back! SHe sent a message to DP saying that i was cruel to deny him his family- I have never stopped her seeing DS and even suggested to DP that he invite them over and I would go out so they could see him but she wouldnt come and still wont!
We are now getting christmas cards from his side and I have been left off them all and DPs aunt rang him yesterday to say that his Mum has started drinking heavily! So the whole family are blaming me when I did nothing wrong!!
I just dont know what to do because this is starting to put pressure on our relationship cos I feel DP isnt standing up for me but also cos DP is stuck in the middle!

Congratulations to anyone who has got this far!

Am I unreasonable to not want to be around her?

OP posts:

luckylady74 · 20/12/2007 21:03

tbh i think you are being a little unreasonable, but i can't see why you involved her so much in your marriage in the first place! my mil isn't perfect, but she sees the childrenand i wouldn't dream of discussing my marriage with her and neither would dh - that's our business!sorry to be blunt, but you did ask!


Lauriefairycake · 20/12/2007 21:04

Apart from the last couple of paragraphs I think you may have given her a hard time initially - it looks like she tried to mediate quite a lot between you and that she supported both of you in your difficulties - it seems she was cast a bit in the middle

You texted her immediately after an argument saying you had finished with her son and then a few hours later resolved it

It seems to have blown out of all proportion - I hope you are encouraging your dp to see his family even without you.

I'm aware this may not be what you want to hear and i wouldn't go as far to say you were being unreasonable

What do you want to happen now - you had a good relationship previously - do you want it back??


SelfishMrsClaus · 20/12/2007 21:04

Haven't you already posted this elsewhere, earlier tonight?


lizandlulu · 20/12/2007 21:05

its a tricky situation!
i understand your feelings towards her, but think it will cause you alot of heatache/frustration in the future.
my in laws are not as bad as yours, but no walk in the park either, and sometimes it is just best to bite your tongue, and smooth things over.
i am a coward when it comes to family troubles though so im perhaps not the best advice giver. i would rather smile to thier faces and seeth about it later, than actually stand up for myself.
your mum in law has said some awful things though, especiall goading your dp behind your back, and can see it would be hard to forgive this.
sorry not much help, but you have my sympathy


cornsilk · 20/12/2007 21:05

OMG empty purse! YouR dh needs to stand up for you to his family IMO. However if you can bear it, it might sort out a lot of future strife for you if you made the first move and went round to see her. She sounds like a 'victim' - don't give her any more ammunition.


WinkyWinkola · 20/12/2007 21:14

I guess you're allowed to post in more than one place.

It sounds like you and DP involved your MIL in your marriage from the off. It would have been better if you'd kept your partnership to yourselves. It's no wonder she felt she had the right to poke her nose in your business.

It was silly to think that she would side with anyone else but her DS regardless whether he was telling her untruths about what was going on between you two.

Anyway, it's all come to a mess now. You and DP need to sit down together and talk about what you would both like for yourselves and your DS in terms of wider family relations. If you can find a united front, approach his MIL with friendship and reconciliation. Make it clear that you're not interested in negativity from her regards your relationship. From then on, stay civil and friendly for the the sake of the peace.

But don't ever let her see you and DP divided again - find friends to confide in, not your MIL.


fizzbuzz · 20/12/2007 21:18

Yes, I would agree, don't confide in MIL...she will always protect her ds first as would we all. Blood is thicker than water and all that....


RIELOVESBACARDI · 20/12/2007 21:20

if its like my mil tell her to uck off


emptypurse · 20/12/2007 21:26

She wasnt that involved in our relationship I told her that I had finished with DP and why that was all.

I have encouraged DP to see her without me but he wont!

I feel that I can never have a good relationship with her again after what has happened- I cant understand how she can tell everyone that I am like the daughter she never had 1 minute and then slag me off the next

DP tried to get us talking a couple of days after it all happened but she started screaming down the phone that she wouldnt apologise and we shouldnt have to try at our relationship because we had DS (this from a women who got divorced from FIL when DP was 6!)

The hardest part is the lies she is telling people-
She is saying that I wont let her see DS and that I am denying him his family but she is the one that wont visit!
DP still works up north 4 days a week and I work full time which makes us going up there difficult and I dont want DS stuck in the car for a 4 hour round trip and also he hasnt seen them for nearly 6 months so it should be on his territory surely, MIL works 2 days a week and her husband 3 so they have much more time to visit us!

OP posts:

BroccoliSpears · 20/12/2007 21:26

You seem cross that when you and your DP were going through a rocky patch, she supported him. She was supporting you too at the time.


nametaken · 20/12/2007 21:27

I don't know if YABU or not but you are definately NOT to blame for your partners mothers heavy drinking - she's just using it as an excuse as all drink dependant people do.


manchita · 20/12/2007 21:35

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I think texting her that the relationsship was over was a bit strange-surely for something that serious you or her son could have visited her and sat down to explain things? It sounds like you argue a lot tbh and maybe she was texting things like that because she is tired of it? And he is her son, she was trying to comfort him.
I think you should invite them down for Sunday lunch or something as it seems you do care about each other and you are both very hurt.


ItsGrimUpNorth · 20/12/2007 21:45

You say you chatted to her for hours. Did you not speak about your relationship with DP to her?

She hurt your feelings. She betrayed you because you feel she let you down and you thought she was a true friend. That's fair enough. That's a mistake you won't be making again.

Ignore the lies she's telling people. It simply doesn't matter what she's telling people. What does matter is what you want.

Keep being polite. You can be friendly and polite and keep your distance without investing any emotional friendship in the woman. That's what I try to to do with my MIL who is very bitchy.

Make sure you and DP are together in every decision you make regards his parents.

Tell her she's welcome to visit but just to give enough notice. Maybe you could meet halfway in a nice country pub one weekend so she can see your DS and you're on neutral territory.

The important thing is that you stay cool and detatched. Don't trust or confide in her but be polite. It's a lot easier than keeping up the enemy anger.


emptypurse · 20/12/2007 21:58

I have said that I will be polite and civil but she still wont visit! What more can I do?

Her whole family is taking it out on me and now im being blamed for her being an alcoholic!

We did used to chat for hours but it was mainly about DS and life in general, I tried not to mention arguements and bad points because I didnt want to involve her but DP threatening to kill himself was a step too far not to tell her in my opinion.

I know about being polite because thats how I am with FIL. DP keeps saying that he wants everything forgotten but he cant understand how hurt I feel and that I cant be like we were anymore.

He has agreed that her refusing to visit is unreasonable on her part but he wont tell her that. He just takes it out on me instead

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 20/12/2007 22:19

Sounds like you've done your best. It's up to her now. Don't let people put blame on you for your MIL's own actions. You've opened the door.. . . .she's got to make the next move.


allIWannaBeForChristmas · 20/12/2007 22:28

I'm assuming you're posting here because you didn't get the answers you were hoping for on

your other thread.

so I will say it on this thread as well - yabu.

On your other thread you said that you'd made the first move in that you'd told your dp to invite your mil to visit and you would go out - well that's not making the first move that's saying "I don't want to see your mother, so you invite her and I'll arrange not to be there", pretty childish if you ask me.

Nobody can really speak for your mil's behavior as we only have your take on the situation, but from what you've said about your own part in this mess I think that a lot of growing up needs to be done by the lot of you and that includes you.

You texted your mil to say your relationship was over? a text? sounds like the sort of thing a teenager might do - not a grown woman.

You have played your own part in this mess, now be the better person and apologise for the part you have played and you can then take it from there.

You cannot avoid seeing your mil for the rest of your lives, if you and your dp are going to have a lasting relationship then his family will be a part of your lives and you have to deal with that.

You have a child - what are you going to tell him if you go out every time your mil visits? It is not fair to bring him into this as well.


emptypurse · 20/12/2007 22:43

No I posted here aswell because I wanted as many opinions as possible

Maybe it is childish to get DP to invite her,but I only said I would go out if that is what she wanted as to not cause an atmoshere when she saw DS I will be polite and civil to her otherwise.

Maybe I do need to grow up but I dont feel that I should be being blamed for MIL turning alcoholic for not letting her see DS when I have NEVER stopped her

and yes I do have a child what am I gonna tell him when mummies name doesnt appear on christmas cards because she is telling lies to the rest of the family

OP posts:

Dixichik · 20/12/2007 22:57

maybe there is a moral to this:
Don't read other people's text messages, nothing good ever comes of it!

Your MIL has chosen to drink excessively, she has chosen that behaviour herself, blaming you is just convenient and not taking responsibility for her own actions.


PersephoneSnowballSnape · 20/12/2007 23:23

you can't really throw up that she divorced from DPs dad when DP was six when you've already stated that Dps dad is a bit of a tosser.

frankly, she supported you through your pregnancy, was involved in the life of your child, fell out with you and took her own sons side when the two of you fell out, was probably very hurt that you sent her a text to say it was all over.

the fact that you and DP both work is a rather lame excuse to not go and see your dcs grandparents. I work full time and do a four hour round trip regularly to take my children to see their paternal grandparents. if it was that important to you, you would make time, be the bigger person, set things straight. I'd just turn up on her doorstep with Dp and DC. buy granny a present from Dc and try and put it all behind you.


soopermum1 · 21/12/2007 09:39

one person that hasn't been discused much in this thread is the OP's DP. I suspect the goading texts were in response the communications from DP to MIL saying you were doing all sorts of dreadful things to him (otherwise known as his side of the story in an argument). if he has threatened to kill himself he sounds particularly emotional so may have been sending very wounded texts to her during/after each argument.

i think for mothers, they will usually take the side of their child in an argument, unless there are serious reasons not to, you have to accept that no matter how well you got on with her, it is never usually as close as parent/child relationhip.

also, how do you know for sure that MIL knows that you're happy for DP to see her? She is getting her direct communication from DP, and we all know that men can be a bit crap on the communication front. it may be easier for him to tell her you won't let him see her rather than saying he doesn't want to see her.

i think you should hold out the olive branch and visit with DP and DS and waste no more time on it, this is the perfect time of year to do it. bite the bullet, the rewards are worth it, a warm relationship between MIL, DP and DS even if you have to keep some reserve due to what's happened.

but remember, you are not to blame for MIL's drinking and ignore the rest of DP's family, you don't need to answer to them.


emptypurse · 21/12/2007 13:23

well thanks for all the messages I have biten the bullet and wrote MIL an email (its easier to say everything I want without getting emotional and forgetting stuff and also no chance of saying the wrong thing)
I have explained how hurt the messages made me feel and pointed out my side of things including how DP is at fault for his lies and for telling her stuff, then I have apologised for my part in prolonging the problem and for making her feel she cant see DS (and explained that I never meant to do that) and for my part of trapping DP in the middle of our arguement.
I have also suggested that we meet up soon so she can see DS and we can talk face to face and end the feud.
I sent it to DP first and he said that parts sound harsh but that she does need to know how I feel and he said he is proud of me for taking the first step.
DP will forward it later as she is working till 630pm and shares her email with her husband so if he gets it first he will either send a stupid reply or delete it (DPs words not mine) and I start work at 4pm, plus this way DP can ring her and tell her to check for it.
SO I guess I just have to wait and see what happens now.
I have told DP that I am trying to resolve things and its down to her now and that if she throws it back in my face I wont try again. DP agreed that it was fair to say that and will support me if she carries the feud on.

OP posts:

lizandlulu · 21/12/2007 13:45

well done for making the first move, i hope everything turns out ok for you


luckylady74 · 21/12/2007 15:00

it's really good that you're trying to mend an unfortunate situation and that you and dp agree/ are supportive.


soopermum1 · 21/12/2007 18:04

well done, a very good move. fingers crossed it's received well


PersephoneSnowballSnape · 23/12/2007 22:22

did you hear anything yet Epurse?

well done for making a concilatory move.

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