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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been Friendzoned - help me read the signs

26 replies

Covidfallout2 · 26/12/2021 16:11

Long story but my Christmas away with family got cancelled due to covid. I ended up spending it with my ex. We dated for 6 months 2 years ago and ended in good terms. First year was sporadic contact but in the last year we have become close. Spend a lot of time together. We have gotten to know each other better.

He was alone so we decided to spend it together. Cooked food, watched films, drank wine etc. I didn’t expect to stay over but he insisted. When I arrived he kept saying he needed to get the spare room ready. Said it quiet a few times and it did take him till late evening to do this. I said I would sleep whenever.

So I think I have feelings but not sure. Our dynamic is flirty but friends. Also I like his friendship so not too sure what to do? However a few things have happened over the last week, which could be friends.

I meet his daughter. He purposely brought her round so I could meet her. He was always so protective over people meeting her.

I meet his sister and family yesterday. It was on video call, but he always moves rooms when she calls.

He gave me his logins for his streaming services. I had them when dating, but as soon as we split up removed. He always joked he would only give his logins to partners.

I have been invited to his best friends for New Years. I never met his friends before. Normally he keeps us separate.

I posted on SM having dinner with a very great friend and pictures of us. We never post about each other as no need.

He went through a horrible breakup last year and said he didn’t see the red flags, but his friends did. He joked at the time that he would get his friends to vet any potential girlfriend.

Now am I reading too much into this? Or just a friendship?

Help me read the signs.

OP posts:
Bellafrenum · 26/12/2021 16:16

All these things could say you are just friends and so it is simpler - for example I would happily introduce a friend to my children but not a new partner (or any partner for a long time). It's no big deal to introduce you to his friends because you are just another friend, whereas if it was more then it would be a bigger deal - same with family.

That said, it could equally mean he has feelings for you, it's hard to tell. If you have feelings for him it is a gamble as if he doesn't feel the same that is the friendship gone. Personally I would give it some time first, be sure.

Mrstamborineman · 26/12/2021 16:17

Ask him. I have idea about the colour of flags. Could be he feels secure with you as friend or could be mooching over for more. Best not to guess, In case you or us rando’s on t’internet is wrong - just ask him.

Dozer · 26/12/2021 16:20

It sounds confusing. If you would like to be more than friends, say so. If he says that’s not what he wants would adjust your ‘boundaries’ with him, eg spend less time with him, not on holidays etc.

Original poster
Covidfallout2 · 26/12/2021 16:26

Thanks. That’s the issue. I would like to try but feel I get mixed signals or reading into something.

I don’t want to ruin the friendship. How can I tell?

OP posts:
3scape · 26/12/2021 16:29

I think maybe he's friends with you and ok with that but maybe he doesn't quite sure if you get that (repeated comments re guest room) or maybe clarifying you're not after more (are you, it sounds very close and intimate for a friendship to me, so do you normally behave this way with your friends? Are you chasing him a little?)

Original poster
Covidfallout2 · 26/12/2021 16:38

@3scape I feel it’s a normal friendship. What is intimate about it?

I don’t feel I hinted at anything. In fact I assumed I was driving home that night until he said to stay over that morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Covidfallout2 · 26/12/2021 16:40

@Bellafrenum I thought that. But he said he was passing by with his daughter and would drop in so I could meet her. It was unexpected. He passes by loads with his daughter and never popped by.

I do need to decide if I like him that way or not. It’s a lovely friendship. We cooked together and chilled together today

OP posts:
3scape · 26/12/2021 16:46

I don't stay at friends houses. I leave if they are due to catch up with family etc.

Sparklesocks · 26/12/2021 16:51

Do you want to be in a relationship with him or are you just trying to figure out if he has feelings for you? If you want answers then I think you need to have a frank conversation about where you stand rather than try and guess from what he does. Nobody on mumsnet can really know for sure. If you’re good friends then your friendship shouldn’t collapse if he wants to stay platonic.

Original poster
Covidfallout2 · 26/12/2021 16:53

@3scape he invited me to stay over. Met his daughter a few days ago as he brought her to mine as they were passing.

Family on video chat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Covidfallout2 · 26/12/2021 16:54

@Sparklesocks how do I have this conversation? I feel I can only have it if I know he does have feelings

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/12/2021 16:55

You're just friends. If you were anything more you wouldn't have spent the night in the spare room after movies and wine. Sorry OP.

Original poster
Covidfallout2 · 26/12/2021 16:59

@girlmom21 what I was thinking. But he mentioned the spare room loads. Wasn’t too sure if he was telling me spare room only or if I should hint his room was ok?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/12/2021 17:02

[quote Covidfallout2]@girlmom21 what I was thinking. But he mentioned the spare room loads. Wasn’t too sure if he was telling me spare room only or if I should hint his room was ok?[/quote]
You know if he wanted you in his room he wouldn't have repeatedly mentioned the spare room.

Sparklesocks · 26/12/2021 17:06

[quote Covidfallout2]@Sparklesocks how do I have this conversation? I feel I can only have it if I know he does have feelings[/quote]
Well you need to figure out how you feel first. If you’re happy with things the way they are and enjoy being just friends then I would probably leave it and enjoy spending time together.

But otherwise if you realise you have feelings and want to know if he does too then you need to ask - we are friends and I always enjoy our time together, but sometimes I feel like we might be something more - or we’re heading in that direction. Am I completely off base?

I know it’s a scary prospect, but for me it would be the preferable option than trying to figure it out based on how he makes you a cup of tea or something.

Original poster
Covidfallout2 · 26/12/2021 17:07

@girlmom21 true. But I remember when we were dating he was really shy at the start to make a move. He had an experience with someone he dated in February. They made a mutual move and then she went crazy accusing him of all sorts. Said he would only wait for the other girl to make a move in future as he must of read the signs wrong.

Maybe reading too much into things.

OP posts:
Booklover3 · 26/12/2021 17:07

I think it’s a friendship. Just go with friendship and see how it goes. If you have a conversation about it then I think it could turn awkward?

AlternativePerspective · 26/12/2021 17:09

You say he’s an ex, so presumably you have a history? How long were you together and why did you split? Did you not meet his family while you were together and if not why not?

If you’re ex’s it may be that he’s reticent to get involved again because of your history. But you’re good friends and have a close relationship which doesn’t necessarily need to be lost.

You need to communicate. If the friendship is lost then that’s unfortunate, but if you have these feelings then the reality is that the friendship is ultimately going to be the price you pay for that.

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2021 17:10

Just chill out and maybe see what happens.

You meeting his daughter, him not bothering to move to speak to his sister and then inviting you out with his friends, could all point to the fact he doesn't see you as a potential girlfriend.

Crunchymum · 26/12/2021 17:11

So where did you sleep then?

WonderfulYou · 26/12/2021 17:12

He may be thinking the exact same thing.
Why did you break up?

If you’re definitely sure you like him and want to give it another go then I’d just be really honest with him and ask him.

If you’re not sure then I would remain friends until you know for definite.

christingle2 · 26/12/2021 17:13

I think this is so weird. You used to date, presumably you can read the signs yourself or ask him yourself. You know him better than us. I don’t get why asking him would ruin the friendship when you have already dated and broke up and remained friends

Original poster
Covidfallout2 · 26/12/2021 17:18

@AlternativePerspective only together 6 months. Split as we didn’t prioritise each other. No I didn’t meet anyone when dating. Don’t think we had an history.

@WorraLiberty I know. But why after 2 years. I only met his daughter as he was passing by and said it wound be nice to meet her. His friends I get to meet as well were going to spend New Years together and he was invited by his best friend and wife, who said to bring me too. Never happened with plans before.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/12/2021 17:23

[quote Covidfallout2]@AlternativePerspective only together 6 months. Split as we didn’t prioritise each other. No I didn’t meet anyone when dating. Don’t think we had an history.

@WorraLiberty I know. But why after 2 years. I only met his daughter as he was passing by and said it wound be nice to meet her. His friends I get to meet as well were going to spend New Years together and he was invited by his best friend and wife, who said to bring me too. Never happened with plans before.[/quote]
Because you said yourself that your Christmas away got cancelled due to Covid maybe?

I don't think anyone here can really help but one thing's for sure - time will tell.

I hope you get the outcome you want Thanks

Original poster
Covidfallout2 · 26/12/2021 17:40

@WorraLiberty daughter was before my Christmas got cancelled. Wish there was a magic ball. Dating is suppose to be easier older you get.

Maybe I just lay off communication for a bit and see

OP posts:
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