feeling depressed over baby sleep

[adviceplease2039]

my baby is 9 months old and has been sleeping awful since the 4 month sleep regression began. i can’t cope anymore i actually feel quite depressed and just keep crying, i feel so drained all the time my head hurts and it’s physically painful. i have no idea what to do. i’ve tried cosleeping which made no difference, don’t have the space for her cot to be in her nursery right now as it’s being used as an office, etc. she’s breastfed and that’s all that will settle her overnight.

last night for example she was up every 20 minutes a few times and then up every 90 minutesish. she also wants to feed for ages at this time and uses me like a dummy (but won’t take a real dummy) so i tend to fall asleep while feeding her through the night.

i can’t cope. i love her but i just want to disappear sometimes

Have you a landing? Could put cot in there. Alternatively in your bedroom and you sleep in lounge or otherway around, but you'll have to hunker in your bedroom once she's been put to bed.

I'm in the same position regarding sleep (although baby is in his own room).
For the people who suggest night weaning, how do I know if he's hungry or not? It seems wrong not to feed him when he wakes (every 1-2 hours) as he's crying and it settles him. On the odd occasion I can tell I'm being used as a dummy but the rest of the time he has a good feed.
Will he just learn not to wake as a result of no milk? Will he end up crying for ages if all he gets is a cuddle?

If your half works from home, he needs a proper space not a nursery, or bigger house

I exclusively breastfed and it just got better eventually…there is no evidence formula helps at all - and breastfeeding is useful for comfort and getting them back to sleep. They aren’t waking for hunger.
I guess I suggested co sleeping because I didn’t have to get up. It definitely made no difference to the sleep but meant I could roll over and feed without opening my eyes. Use the lullaby trust for co sleeping advice to help you relax more with it?
I think some babies are just like this. My first woke every 45 mins until she was nearly one - my second has never woken more than twice a night. Nothing done differently and co sleep with both. Some are just not so good at sleeping!
Also the comment about partner helping is ridiculous- because ebf need to be comforted by mum/boob at night really under 1 and that’s just the way it is! OP wouldn’t be able to sleep while her partner sorted if, baby waking this mum is for mums comfort. I’m sending love - it’s so hard. I was like a zombie for month - but they do eventually sleep! The first time my eldest slept through I woke up about 4am wondering what was going on!!

@LifeBeginsNow a 8/9/10 month old doesn’t need milk from a metabolic point of view overnight. They obviously use the breast/you for other reasons, they won’t starve overnight unless they’re not eating anything in the day either? I’m assuming they’re successfully transitioning to food and still taking milk in the day?

@FTEngineerM mines a little younger at 6mo (I'm just at breaking point too).
We did try some solids recently and I felt that was when the sleep got worse. I used to get 3-4 hours but when he started solids he woke up hourly. Plus he didn't really take to food and became constipated. I've stopped them for now to see if it helps and will try just baby Porridge in the mornings to begin with.

I've been in your position. I was so sleep deprived I was having auditory hallucinations that told me to throw my child down the stairs. So believe me when I say I know how soul destroying is. I also breastfed so....
1 - does baby have formula during the day? If so then you need to bite the bullet and offer baby formula at night.
2 - my baby nursed for comfort but ultimately you need to be strong and not relent. Cuddle and rock or stroke but no boobs. They will cry but because they are puzzled. They will not be scarred for life.
3 - I second the person who suggested filling a bottle with water. If they take a bottle in the day and then refuse this at night then they are not hungry.
4 - The ferber method is absolutely worth pursuing. I used it and yes it was wretched having to listen to his cries BUT.... he's OK. At the age of 3 he now sleeps through.
5 - I also would say that I co-slept but on a floor mattress and using no pillows or heavy fabrics that could drape him. He then at the age of 1 went into an infant bed from IKEA. We sawed the legs off and never looked back! Montessori and practical.
6 - Solidarity, though. We hear you, it is SHIT. But you WILL get through. It is hard. But you'll make it through.

I would absolutely speak to a HV as they'll be able to guide you and support you. Mine sign posted me onwards and I ended up at the GPs being diagnosed with severe postnatal anxiety which was worsened by almost a year of constant night waking.

There's no evidence that formula helps sleep. I had one combi fed child and one EBF child and the EBF one slept better.

They both went nuts at 9 months.

Honestly, try controlled crying. It can work fast and after that they didn't have night feeds again.

We did 2,4,6,8 and then 10 min intervals. After that every 10 mins until they slept. We'd put and shhh but not pick up.

Both kids are fine, it doesn't scar them for life or any of that bollocks.

@MrsColon

We did the Ferber method on the advice of a paediatrician. Worked brilliantly, he was sleeping through within 4 nights.

We were all happier - me & DS because we were no longer chronically exhausted, DH because his depressed and miserable wife was suddenly back to normal.

Same here! Ferber was a total life saver. I was terrified about doing any sort of cry-it-out, but it turned out to be a total non-issue. I have three DCs, and all three started sleeping through the night within 3-5 nights of controlled crying (with DH going in every few minutes to comfort them). The older two I did at 7 months, and the youngest at 4 months, and the whole parenting experience has been sooooo much better for it. The kids were better rested too and therefore less fussy during the day. Cannot recommend it enough!

Oh, and all three of my DCs who I sleep trained with Ferber were exclusively breastfed, so it’s totally do-able. DC1 I BF’ed until 9 months, DC3 I BF’ed until 20 months, DC3 is 7 months and still BF’ed. So, there does not have to be a link between feeding style and sleeping.

Sleep training my DS saved me. I'm not joking. I was exactly where you were and three difficult nights later he slept through. Can you afford a sleep consultant?

I’ve been there . My 13 month old was just like that . It’s only recently he started sleeping through the night and that’s still not consistent. Have you tried the side position while nursing laying down? I use to do that and would drift asleep while my DS nursed away . He would nurse a long time too . He loved the comfort of nursing . I promise you it does get better .

Do you feed her to sleep in the day and evenings? If you do then every time she's in a light sleep she will want to nurse to get back to sleep.

Porridge for tea and a bottle.

@LifeBeginsNow ah - a little younger than us with DS1 then, we did night weaning at 8m and he was on three meals and sometimes snacks a day and then boob whenever he fancied. I don’t know what I’m going to do with DS2 he’s fucking massive and I stopped ebfing at 1 month to give my boobs a break. I’m probably going to start offering more in the day soon (he’s 3m) and then reducing what I offer at night. If I had a 6m old and was still BFing though I’d deffo try and wean at night. It was revolutionary for us.

Also can confirm formula doesn’t change sleeping patterns here either; DS1 @ 8m and DS2 @ 1m their sleep was the same before and after introducing formula.. unfortunately.

We went through this with my youngest. Two things helped (although she was 18 months when we did this).

1. I took the side off the cot so I could cuddle her in her bed and then get out and sleep in my own bed when she was settled. This was instead of rocking her then having to place her in the cot. Soon after this we actually put her in a single bed with bed guards.

1. Gradually reducing night feeds. I did this by time rather than number of feeds, so for example no feeds before 1am or after 6am (wake ups after 6am we'd get up and have breakfast). Then once that was established- no feeds before 2am. Etc. You choose whatever times suit you.

These were very gentle ways that took several weeks to sort out but they did massively improve things. Controlled crying etc never worked for us.
Good luck, it is very hard dealing with sleep deprivation but it doesn't last forever!

If you can afford a sleep consultant send me a private message and I will pass on the details of the one I used when my son was 10 months old (it cost £100).

I was where you are OP, I was in a very dark place, and within 5 days of sleep training I had a completely different baby.