To call sister out on her bs

[Terminallysleepdeprived]

There is a massive backstop to this which I don't have the energy to explain. Suffice to say we have never been friends. History involves parental favouritism of her, both in terms of their love and support...usual story. I was never good enough, she was golden child.

This has continued into adulthood and she has become a complete narcissist as a result. In her eyes she is perfect. We both have kids. My dd is the oldest. She has 3 all younger. I am strict with dd in terms of her behaviour. She is not naughty but can be cheeky. She has much older half siblings and can inappropriately copy their sarcasm for example. My sister constantly puts me down and undermines me where my dd is concerned.

For clarity her kids are feral. They have no boundaries, no reigning in of bad behaviour etc. I have never said a word except when her son was repeatedly punching me in the tummy and after asking him 2 or 3 times to please stop as it hurt I told him firmly no. She went ballistic. I have never commented again and just avoided having to see her or them.

Dd finds it very overwhelming to be around her cousins. She cannot cope with the noise and their behaviour so I limit her contact especially as they play beyond rough and the boys especially go out of their way to hurt her.i will not subject her to that so I protect her by not forcing her to be involved with them.

There was an incident last year where my sister decided to rip me a new one over my parenting of dd. I told her to either keep her opinions to herself or I wanted nothing to do with her. I have not spoken to her since. I have however e sure all the kids and her and her husband have had birthday and Christmas gifts from dd and she has sent them texts etc on the day.

2 days before Christmas I got a message from her basically saying sh ehadnt remembered to get dd a Christmas present. She had bought something and posted it now. Then added she was sorry for the fall out and wanted to make peace.

I have ignored it. I am so angry at her for both her treatment of dd and for thinking that she could use it as a springboard. However I respond I will look the bad guy.

Mum had sorted a bag of popcorn and a card for dd by way of glossing over there was nothing from my sister. I would rather she hadn't but have said nothing. What has really pissed me off is mum's dramatics about sister sobbing down the phone that she had messed up and telling all of this to dd.

How unreasonable would it be for me to call my sister or on her bs? She had no intention of getting dd anything and has been shamed into it when the gifts for her kids arrived. Posted on 13th Dec but she only collected from the post office on 21st (sent tracked) she then sent me a message asking for my email to send dd a gift voucher to so I know damn well she hadn't done anything before.

Honestly? - don't bother. No matter how well you choose your words, they will not land. Your sister is never going to acknowledge wrongdoing: she is perfect, remember? Her behaviour is not going to change because you point it out to her.
I understand how frustrating this is, & how the need to be 'heard' is strong when you have been continually steamrollered by a disordered personality.
But ... if you had the skills of Shakespeare & 100 years, you would not be able to devise a form of words that would get you the result you yearn for (understanding - accommodation - reasonable behaviour - kindness). It is just not going to happen - so the kindest thing you can do for yourself is find some peace with it, & stop hoping that one magical day it will happen ...

You might find it easier all round to just forget about all this present-buying. All it does is give your sister an opportunity to act out, to game-play, to get your mother involved, & to upset you.

My sister constantly puts me down and undermines me where my dd is concerned.

Dd finds it very overwhelming to be around her cousins. She cannot cope with the noise and their behaviour so I limit her contact especially as they play beyond rough and the boys especially go out of their way to hurt her.i will not subject her to that so I protect her by not forcing her to be involved with them.

It's clear that both you & DD are happier when you don't have to interact with your sister.
So ... don't.

Don't bother calling her out.
Buy yourself an extra late xmas present instead :)
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Kill-Narcissist-Narcissism-Narcissistic/dp/1520117671?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Completely agree with @ChargingBuck
Wise words.

Why do you want to keep this feud going? If you genuinely wanted to end it you would just be polite and let it go. You don't have to see her. Accept the bloody gift and drop it. All this drama and calling out seems to feed into this long running feeling of bitterness that she was the favourite or whatever. Let it go.

Stop getting her or her family gifts.

Her kids will be fine getting presents from her parents.

It’s not fair to your dd.

Thanks @chargingbuck you are right and I do know it won't achieve anything at all. I almost so angry that she has used dd is this way.

I know if I have a pop at mum about her BS it will only hurt them and cause bigger issues for me in the longer term. I think I just needed to say it and have someone validate me for severing contact.

Mum and dad have for the most part stayed out of it. They are aware I have cut ties and after badgering me have had some of the info as to why. Mostly to correct the bs excuses from my sister. They don't like it but have seen sense enough not to try and bully me at least.

Thank you for replying I will look into the book

I wouldn't bother and would reduce your contact with her, it sounds toxic. I have always had a difficult relationship with my sibling and haven't seen or spoken to them in a long time. I feel a lot better for it!

@phishy

Stop getting her or her family gifts.

Her kids will be fine getting presents from her parents.

It’s not fair to your dd.

I would love to. However that would cause huge fall outs with wider family and would absolutely be seen as me being a bitch. I have decided I won't won't bothering with her again but ultimately the kids aren't to blame. They are the product of her parenting so it would be hugely unfair to punish them for the fact their mum is a cow.

Her sons are going to turn into men that don't respect boundaries, you are right to limit contact.

@moomin11

I wouldn't bother and would reduce your contact with her, it sounds toxic. I have always had a difficult relationship with my sibling and haven't seen or spoken to them in a long time. I feel a lot better for it!

Thanks @moomin11 the past year or as has been amazing. No stress or sick feeling at what crap will happen. Not having to deal with dd sobbing because one of the kids has done something to her hurt her and been dealt with. If dd retaliated my sister would absolutely tell her off. But if I did she would defend dd and tell her mummy is being mega whilst not dealing with her own kids behaviour.

Kids will be kids and will fight. I am not pfb at all. But when it is manipulate behaviour done to deliberately hurt I dondraw the line

*mean not mega bloody autocorrect

Don't have a go at your mum about your sister's behaviour - your mum doesn't control your sister. They only thing you could speak to your mum about is to ask her never again to pull a stunt like passing on all the crying down the ohone6to your daughter. Totally not on to emotionally manipulate a child like that.

@Palavah

Don't have a go at your mum about your sister's behaviour - your mum doesn't control your sister. They only thing you could speak to your mum about is to ask her never again to pull a stunt like passing on all the crying down the ohone6to your daughter. Totally not on to emotionally manipulate a child like that.

Sorry I meant having a pop at mum for the emotional crap she pulled on my dd not about the fact my sister is a twat. Ultimately it is my parents fault...they raised her to think she could do no wrong, but syaing that won't make anyone feel better

@ChargingBuck

Great advice.

Perhaps also look at how cowered by your family you are.

Feeling you have to send gifts or be seen as a bitch if you don't.

You are an adult and can do what you wish.

If you have no desire to see her children because of how they treat your daughter, I fail to see why you would send gifts.

See '22 as time to no longer focus on your sister and her faults and focus on your boundaries with everyone in your family.

Your life will be the better for it and your daughter will also benefit.

Good luck.

I know if I have a pop at mum about her BS it will only hurt them and cause bigger issues for me in the longer term. I think I just needed to say it and have someone validate me for severing contact.

Your wish to sever contact is valid, Terminally :)

Whether that extends to the present-buying for your nephews is up to you of course - I saw your update about how stopping the ritual would cause more fallout.

But as you are going to be in the wrong no matter what you do or don't do - you might want to weigh up the relative benefits. ONE fallout for stopping the presents. Or stress & fallout & resentment at every xmas & birthday, when you dutifully keep to your commitment, but your sister uses the ritual as an opportunity to create drama.

After all, what can your sister DO about it, if you decide you're done with the whole charade? "Dear Sis, am making some necessary cut backs this year so am stopping the remote present-giving. Obviously DD & I don't expect anything for our birthdays or xmas either."
Sister can feel whatever the fuck she likes about that.
You don't have to hear it, because you'll have blocked her on all comms as soon as you sent the message ...

See I have her blocked but somehow her texts have gotten through...

I will take the higher ground and say nothing. As you rightly day I will be the bad guy regardless. I will try and figure out how her texts avoided the block and try and reblock her so I don't have to deal with any of it.

Thank you for the wise words

Don’t say anything

Stop buying her and her husband presents, buy for the kids only, and tbh i would follow her lead and send vouchers via email as she has done

I wouldn’t even discuss it any further with your parents and if they question just say you are fed up if the years of being treated badly by your sister, she knows what she has done, and you are not going to let your child be hurt by her cousins and change the subject. No long discussion, just repeat as required

Thanks @billy1966. We are far better off without them in our life. And 2021 had been great without the obligation and the stress and I will use 2022 to create further distance.

Dd is only young. She has no idea about the rift and she misses the idea of her cousins. Mostly because my parents rabbit on about them. Covid and isolation from it all has been a huge bonus as I haven't had to explain. Just said that covid has meant she can't see them. Dreading not having that excuse to be honest

It really isn't normal for children to be allowed to hurt another child and for it to be unremarked upon or ignored.

That's how bullies and thugs are reared.

You are protecting your child and are 100% correct.

Covid can be the reason for now.
Also we are too busy.

Also you can say that your cousins hurt you when you are with them and I cannot allow that.
It is wrong to hurt another person.
Spell it out to her.

You do not have to protect her from spelling out that their behaviour is completely unacceptable.

If necessary you can tell your mother privately that you would prefer that she not really mention your nephews as you are protecting your daughter and doing what you think is best for YOUR child.

How your mother reacts to your boundary will be informative.

Don’t bother, you don’t want her in your life. Just go extremely low contact, and forget about her. You don’t need to send gifts to husband, but keep up the kids.

If you are saying your mum told your daughter about the upset then your mum needs a serious telling off in the NY. It’s upsetting for parents when adult kids don’t get on, but she needs to accept it and certainly not talk about it with your daughter.

However are you also adding to the drama? You mention being annoyed your mum tried to cover up a lack of present for your daughter. Why? Surely it was sensible of your mum - why should your daughter be involved or upset?

@Luredbyapomegranate

Don’t bother, you don’t want her in your life. Just go extremely low contact, and forget about her. You don’t need to send gifts to husband, but keep up the kids.

If you are saying your mum told your daughter about the upset then your mum needs a serious telling off in the NY. It’s upsetting for parents when adult kids don’t get on, but she needs to accept it and certainly not talk about it with your daughter.

However are you also adding to the drama? You mention being annoyed your mum tried to cover up a lack of present for your daughter. Why? Surely it was sensible of your mum - why should your daughter be involved or upset?

It's not the cover up but the emotional blackmail of sister sobbing down the phone I object to

OP,

Kindly meant but you cannot control your sister, her behaviour, her manipulation.

All you can do is control YOUR reaction to it.

By stepping away, enforcing YOUR boundaries, continuing to protect your child, YOU get what you want.

You CANNOT change her.