Argument - Is it wrong to act like it never happened & carry on as normal?

[WhatAreYourThoughtsHmmmmm]

After an awful Christmas for so many reasons can you help me process something please.

SIL decided to tear my DH to pieces verbally over the phone a couple of days ago whilst BIL seemed to just walk away and leave them to it after he said to her ‘just leave it’ but she carried on regardless.
DH retaliated using much the same language and tone until SIL put the phone down. He won’t back down to anyone. (I told him he should have ended the call and not retaliated).
This follows an awful period in both DH and BIL’s life - related to their family.

In our view SIL should not have said any of those things and should have left it to BIL to say something to DH that’s IF he felt there were problems. We both feel SIL is projecting because she has her own problems and it was like she was spoiling for a fight and DH would have been verbally attacked by her no matter what he said.

Just to give more context the phone call was between DH and BIL and SIL must have been there with phone on speaker. The conversation was all calm and amicable before SIL kicked off over something which wasn’t even an issue of any kind.

SIL is a martyr type of person, generally means well and is very caring but she takes on so much and has very strong opinions. BIL seems to go along with whatever she says mostly even though he is a very strong character himself.

Since then BIL has been sending a few texts to DH updating him on a family issue as if nothing has happened. Also sending one yesterday wishing him a happy Christmas. DH hasn’t responded to any of them so far.
We both feel that SIL needs to apologise for the things she said. I’m then hoping that DH will apologise for the comments he made in return.

My view is that it’s not right for BIL to act like nothing has happened? And that he should be trying to resolve this somehow? AIBU?

(I’ve name changed as this could be potentially outing and I don’t want to add to the drama).

No I wouldn’t agree with that either. He might want to stay out of it but his wife got involved in HIS phone call as it was apparently on speaker so he doesn’t get to claim complete innocence.

I imagine your BIL thinks both sides said things that were out of order and is being a peacemaker.

YANBU, BIL doesn’t get to just pretend nothing happened. If they don’t apologise ignore the both of them. Good DH is on board.

@phishy

YANBU, BIL doesn’t get to just pretend nothing happened. If they don’t apologise ignore the both of them. Good DH is on board.

My exact same thoughts.

Thanks all for the replies.

Stay out of it. This is between your husband and his brother.

You don't think your sil should be involved but you're involving yourself by saying "we don't think". Honestly, your husband is hardly a timorous beastie if he never backs down and retaliates in kind. If he's so happy to give a mouthful to people, why doesn't he stop ignoring his brother and start talking to him instead.

I'm not quite sure why you're holding BIL responsible for the words that came out of his wife's mouth.
You also don't know what he's saying to his wife to "try to resolve this".
In the meantime, he's trying to maintain a cordial relationship with his brother by sending texts, but he is now ignoring him.
This is how those family feuds start where folk don't speak to each other for 40 years.
From what you've written OP, your DH's beef should be with SIL and not his brother.
Stay out of it and don't fan the flames.

The two brothers need to talk. Do they live nearby? Leave them to it.

The wives of both men should butt out.

Oh and if your DH’s behaviour warrants an apology, it shouldn’t be dependent on him receiving one first. I’ve always taught DD that sorry’s don’t come with but’s.

@Hunderland

I imagine your BIL thinks both sides said things that were out of order and is being a peacemaker.

This.

He's probably thinking that your DH was an arsehole for tearing into SIL and not apologising either.

I would encourage DH to meet up with BIL for a chat 'to clear the air' - to get things back to the even keel it was on thus avoiding mention of SIL as she was off the wall. She sounds like my sis - 'fixes' everything and everyone and believes she always know best . Hopefully she's learned a lesson - your DH making up with his DB might teach her a lesson.

I’m wondering if your dh has upset your bil and he is the type of person to sweep things under the carpet, whereas your sil is not. In any case, your dh needs to reflect on his behaviour as much as that of your sil. And yes, both brothers need to talk. And both wives need to butt out.

It sounds like your bil is trying to smooth things over with you both but if you want to carry on ignoring him then feel free although it won’t resolve anything

Are you and your husband teenagers? All the bitching about your SIL (you clearly don't like her!), ignoring texts and demanding apologies from her first. All the drama!

BIL sounds like the most mature one out of the lot of you.

I don’t think your DH and his DB should fall out over something that DB’s wife said.

Perhaps the injury goes farther back Op- SIL may well have been ‘speaking up’ for BIL about something your husband has done/said? I think you need to consider the whole - it sounds as though you and h might be deflecting by focusing on the argument rather than what prompted it in the first place?