I'm worthless.

[tillyolsen]

My opinion doesn't matter to anyone. I have a toddler who was conceived when my ex raped me. I have OCD and struggle with my mental health. I adore my son and revolve my world around him, but have no time for anything else as I'm on my own and work full time. All my money goes on childcare so I still have a career. I live with my parents which sucks but even with the best budgeting in the world cannot afford rent. I wake up every morning and feel flat and anxious. I've had CBT for PTSD and counselling too. It's not helped. I try to be kind to my family but it's not usually reciprocated other than by my mom (thank god for her). I just feel invisible and like it's impossible to live off a normal wage like mine. I'm just so tired of life atm.

Oh sweet heart please don’t think you’re worthless. You’re the most important person in the world to your precious son. And your parents clearly love you too. Just because your worthless piece of shit ex didn’t value you as a human being it doesn’t change the fact that you deserve a happy life. I don’t know how you make that happen but please don’t think that you don’t deserve it.

You are amazing. Despite all the trauma life has thrown at you, you are still determined to do the best for your son. You are so strong, please value your strength, resilience and love for your son.

You sound amazing to me. Childcare cost is short term. It won't feel like it but you are doing so well keeping up your career, it will make a difference xx

@Hapoydayz

You sound amazing to me. Childcare cost is short term. It won't feel like it but you are doing so well keeping up your career, it will make a difference xx

I'm not amazing. I'm just existing ag the moment.

Christmas can be an awful time and bring you low. It will pass, and your son will grow and new life and opportunities will come for both of you. Hang in there, turn to your lovely Mum for support and love in the meantime xx

You are so much stronger than you think. You have escaped an abusive relationship with a rapist, you are dealing with PTSD, OCD and MH issues - yet you are raising your beautiful son AND have a career. I think you are pretty bloody amazing.

I understand though. Feeling numb and just existing, not feeling any joy in anything. I have been there. I felt worthless. But I survived it because of my son and now I am out of the other side (with the help of counselling, my family and eventually medication - which I know isn't for everyone). My life isn't very exciting but I am content and happy with my lot. I enjoy the calm.

Gosh, agree with others, you are totally amazing.

Have you tried EDMR?

It isn't that you are worthless, it is that you are finding life devoid of meaning.

Tbh this is not at all uncommon during the first few years of parenting. Life with a small, dependent child is exhausting at the best of times never mind when you're alone and largely without choices about living arrangements.

I know it might feel like forever but honestly it does pass. Putting one foot in front of the other is a very decent achievement for someone in this situation.

You are very hard on yourself. You may have escaped the abuse but it sounds as though you're still hearing the torment in your head.

I know time is at a premium for you but if you get even 20 minutes, check out some Brené Brown. Her Ted talk in shame is legendary.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brenebrownnthepowerrofvulnerability?utmmcampaign=tedspread&utmmedium=referral&utmmsource=tedcomshare

Hi OP

Life is hard with a toddler, especially when you work full time. As he gets older the investment you are making in paying for childcare will pay dividends and it is is much easier once they turn about 5. I didn't enjoy the toddler years.

Could you see your GP soon and see if some medication might help? Don't be afraid of meds- so many of us need them

For now, go and give your lovely mum a big cuddle and tell her how you feel xx

You do sound amazing. The opposite of worthless - you’re worth lots!
We can all see it and I’m sorry you can’t.

You’re having a tough time. I am not at all surprised it’s impacted your mental health. Things can change. I promise. Can you speak to your GP? Be honest about how you’re feeling. Your wellbeing matters xx

Soon your son will go to school and child care will be cheaper. After school and breakfast clubs are generally cheaper than nurseries. Is a better paid job an option? Stay close to your mum - she sounds fab.

I’m so sorry to read of your rape. Could you contact a Charity to see if there would be counselling available?

You’re not worthless - you’re an amazing survivor and doing so well in the circumstances.

You're not worthless, you are a survivor and you're doing a fantastic job. You are caring for a child, working full time, building your career. You've made sacrifices to make it work.

What happened to you is horrific. And so complicated and ongoing in that you have a child as a result. If the trauma feels raw, that's because it is.

You will improve from here. You've made it this far. Look at all you've done under horrible circumstances. You are strong. My money is on you.

Take care of yourself and have faith if your future.

Hiya
Im a happily married person with a good job and yet OCD made me feel worthless too, just surviving each day felt like an endless task. The thoughts OCD gave me were opposite to my core beliefs and that made me hate myself. Sometimes it would take me 10 minutes to put a letter in an envelope.
Meds, in particular Sertraline, have really helped me, maybe speak to your GP

It's not healthy to revolve your whole life around anyone, even a child.

You sound tough and amazing and your toddler is very lucky to have you as a parent. You are the opposite of worthless.

It’s very tough now but it will get better.

You are absolutely not worthless! You are your son's whole world. The toddler years are relentless but they will soon be behind you and you will be able to focus on yourself again.