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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu for expecting my partner to get me an Xmas present?

17 replies

pinkflag100 · 25/12/2021 23:08

We've been through this before when he hasn't got me anything for Valentine's Day or birthday. I've explained how upset it makes me that he doesn't make the effort or put thought into it.
I always make the effort for him. He has the money to do it.

We've had a massive fallout because I've brought it up to him saying that it doesn't have to be anything huge or expensive - I spent just £150 on his presents which he is proudly wearing in front of his family today. I'd have been happy with a cheap purfume, or token gift - just something to show he cares about how I feel - he knows these things mean a lot to me.

His response is he does so much for me (which is true), I was currently ill with covid and he waited on me hand and foot, he's also helped me put up my daughters furniture and her birthday party. I'm being ungrateful. He's saying he has ordered something and it just hasn't come yet but he is tempted to cancel it. He saying that he didn't even get his daughter something as his money was tied up and mentally he is not doing well. He said he feels like whatever he does for me, it's never enough. I'm just confused now, am I asking too much? I feel bad because he did spend a lot on my last birthday and I feel like I'm being painted out to be a gold digger - he has so many good points. I feel like I've ruined the day. We aren't talking and I'm very close to calling an Uber home.

What is the norm with Xmas and other half's?

OP posts:
phishy · 25/12/2021 23:11

YANBU, stop getting him presents.

He clearly hasn’t ordered anything and is just lying. As you say, it didn’t need to be anything expensive.

HelloBunny · 25/12/2021 23:12

Usually there’s a gift, especially if you’ve asked for one. The general concept of modern-day Christmas is gifting your loved ones. What would he say if you didn’t get him presents?

PurpleDaisies · 25/12/2021 23:15

He's saying he has ordered something and it just hasn't come yet but he is tempted to cancel it.

He saying that he didn't even get his daughter something as his money was tied up and mentally he is not doing well.

Do you believe him? That would make a difference to the situation if he has, or is genuinely struggling with his health so much he couldn’t buy any presents. It sounds like he’s also made excuses for not buying you something better so I’m not sure that’s likely to be true.

The imbalance is bad. There’s nothing wrong with thoughtful and inexpensive but that doesn’t sound like how it is for you. Dh and I have always bought each other good presents.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/12/2021 23:25

"He's saying he has ordered something and it just hasn't come yet but he is tempted to cancel it."

Or to paraphrase - question me and I will punish you by withdrawing a theoretical gift from you. And I will find something to punish you for, because the gift is purely theoretical rather than actual, I never ordered anything and have no intention of doing so.

Get an Uber home. Have a good think about whether this relationship suits you.

EKGEMS · 25/12/2021 23:28

He's lying through his damn teeth and there is no present and he should be ashamed of himself

PurpleDaisies · 25/12/2021 23:31

Whether he’s looked after you is irrelevant to whether he buys you a present or not for Christmas. Really rotten of him to try and link the two.
Unless you’ve agreed not to, surely the default is couples buy each other Christmas presents?

Hadalifeonce · 25/12/2021 23:31

It's the thought that counts.
Clearly there was no thought, of you or your feelings.

LagunaBubbles · 25/12/2021 23:33

We've been through this before when he hasn't got me anything for Valentine's Day or birthday

If you've been here before what made you think this time would be any different?

RJnomore1 · 25/12/2021 23:35

Get the Uber

It’s not you it’s him

He’s not ordered you anything. He’s got money to do it. Even worse he’s not got his child anything. He’s an arsehole. He’s happy to take his present isn’t he.

You shouldn’t have to chase being cared for. It’s a minimum when you love someone.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 26/12/2021 07:50

He sounds awful

malificent7 · 26/12/2021 07:54

So not only does he not get you anything....he also tries to make you feel bad for looking after you. It's his passive aggressive way of saying he feels resentful.

Rainbowqueeen · 26/12/2021 07:54

I’d just end it. No this is not normal. He will not change. He is an arse. The end.
Move on with your life and find someone who values you. Anyone who accepts your gifts and is not mortified that they got you nothing or isn’t mortified that their gift to you hasn’t arrived is not worth your time. Don’t let this be your life

Tabbacus · 26/12/2021 08:00

Stop buying him presents, if you don't want to spend every celebration being disappointed that he hasn't bought you a present then leave him, he won't change.

SpudleyLass · 26/12/2021 09:21

Throw the whole man away.

Seems clear that he is lying about having ordered you a present - who even threatens to cancel it? What a strange (imo kinda abusive) thing to do!

Doing things for you the rest of the year is irrelevant I'd say. I'm sure, OP, you do a lot for him actually during the year but you're not bringing it up to throw in his face right now, are you?

And just by the by, those things he has been doing for you? The Covid care and putting up furniture/helping with a birthday party? Those are fairly standard for a partner to do - does he want a medal for doing the minimum?

Don't let him bully you OP. Your feelings are real and he sounds like a knob.

Shoxfordian · 26/12/2021 09:24

Go home op

He’s a knob
Of course it’s not expecting too much to think your partner might buy you a Christmas present

Where do all these useless men come from?!

onedayoranother · 26/12/2021 11:06

Never got a gift for valentines myself, and as actions do speak louder than words, as you say he has been good. But you have expressed disappointment before, so he should have given you something (and stop with the cheap perfume or voucher business - you are worth more).

RedHelenB · 26/12/2021 16:52

If he's loving and caring in other ways you have 3 choices

  1. presents are the deal breakers so ditch him
  2. stop doing presents at all
  3. give him.one but accept he won't reciprocate.
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