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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Last year of being a door mat

21 replies

CovidforCrimbo · 25/12/2021 18:13

Well that really. I just want to grow some and be able to stick up for myself.

Back story is I've always felt the need to make my parents happy. They had a rocky marriage and I was often the fixer and never did anything to rock the boat.my parents don't worry about me as I'm self sufficient and just get on. I'm the easy one and in the past I've always just nodd d and agreed for an easy life. But I don't want to be used as a door mat.

I want to be more assertive. I want to be able to speak my mind and have presence. I always feel in people's shadows, especially sil, despite being highly educated and successful in my job. In laws always chat about the success of sil and bil but never mention how me and dh are raising two kids with very little help.

Had a recent upset over Xmas shenanigans with in laws and I've worried and fretted and none of it is my fault. I always feel like I'm in the wrong of somebody is upset. It stems from childhood and feeling responsible for the mood and weather in the house. Of my parents were down or tired or stressed, I thought I was at fault. Sometimes parents said it was my fault. So now as an adult, whenever someone is unhappy around me, I feel like I'm to blame and that I must fix the problem. This has led to bad anxiety and depression and just many years of feeling walked over. Where can I find some bollocks?

OP posts:
HewasH2O · 25/12/2021 18:18

Have some jingle balls instead. It's not your responsibility to make your BiL's life easier. If you think someone may be making an unreasonable request, turn it around in your head and consider how you would react if a stranger was asking you to do the same.

sheroku · 25/12/2021 18:19

Inspire yourself with famous women who refuse to live their lives for other people. I really enjoyed watching "Pretend It's a City" on Netflix. It's about Fran Leibowitz and I had no idea who she was before I watched it but I now absolutely love her as she's a shining example of a woman who doesn't take any crap. As they say, well behaved women don't make history.

Serenschintte · 25/12/2021 18:22

A good therapist could help with this. Well worth it.

Wotsitsits · 25/12/2021 18:23

Start by recognizing occasions where others have put their feelings first and ignored yours. I find 99% of the time they don't ask me if X is ok for me or if I'm happy with Y. It's take take take.

Once you have spent a good length of time noticing this and gathering concrete examples that you can remember and refer back to, you can start practicing having jingle balls Grin

Recognise that people don't care as much about you as you do about them. So start caring about yourself more IYSWIM.

Porcupineintherough · 25/12/2021 18:23

How old are you OP? A lot of women (including me) toughen up around the time of the menopause when they stop being blissed out on oestrogen all the time. Or possibly you just get to the point when you've taken enough shit for a lifetime (you sound like you've reached this point, good for you).

Original poster
CovidforCrimbo · 25/12/2021 19:01

Thanks everyone, early 40's.

OP posts:
gsaoej · 25/12/2021 19:06

You are just at the right age to find your bollocks OP. I found mine at about 40 and yes, this is one of the only positives from menopause or thereabouts. You have taken the first step, which is to acknowledge that you need them. You will now have them. Just calmly say no to anything that doesn't work for you. And be ready to just walk out if they piss you off.

Dontknowwhyidoit · 25/12/2021 19:11

I'm the same as you and struggle not to put others wants before my own needs, can you try thinking about how you would advise your best friend in the same situation and doing that. Its easy saying just stick up for your self but when you have spent your lifetime trying to keep the peace, its really hard to change 💐

RedToothBrush · 25/12/2021 19:16

"I'm sorry that doesn't work for me" without explanation is a good stock phrase. Followed by it "It just doesn't work. I can't accommodate that" on repeat. Never offer an explanation.

Original poster
CovidforCrimbo · 25/12/2021 19:28

Thank you all for the replies. Busy reading and drinking gin!

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 25/12/2021 19:31

@CovidforCrimbo

Thank you all for the replies. Busy reading and drinking gin!
"Sorry, I can't do that, I've drunk too much gin" is also always a good retort!
Original poster
CovidforCrimbo · 25/12/2021 21:02

What techniques do people use for being assertive but not an arse?

OP posts:
sheroku · 25/12/2021 21:28

What techniques do people use for being assertive but not an arse?

I think it depends on the situation. Maybe you could give an example scenario?

MuddlingThrough1724 · 25/12/2021 21:53

I'm the same! I've spent years tiptoeing around my parents trying to make them happy, but have realised they never will be so will be stopping. I'm sick of doing the right thing and inviting them to spend Christmas with us, then them sulking, moani g or just sitting looking bored and ignoring their only grandchild. It makes us miserable, starting weeks befor ewith the sense of dread they bring with them, they don't respect that we might just want 5 minutes as our immediate family unit, have absolutely nothing nice to say, and expect us to bankroll their visits. No more. I'm simply not doing it again. Lockdown last year was joyous for us (I realise it wasn't for a lot of people) as it took away the obligation invite them and try to entertain them whilst having to avoid being ourselves be abuse they are so judgy. I'm chosing what works for us from now on. X

RitaFires · 25/12/2021 23:57

Best of luck with it OP.

One day years ago I had a sudden realisation that I was going out of my way for people who would absolutely never do the same for me and it made me really re-evaluate my relationships. I still try to be kind and fair but I don't overextend myself for people in situations that aren't my fault or my problem.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 26/12/2021 00:04

I read nice girls dont get the corner office. I didnt even read all of it but what I did read reset alot of what Id learned in childhood.

Porcupineintherough · 26/12/2021 00:07

@CovidforCrimbo

What techniques do people use for being assertive but not an arse?
Well the first thing is to stop caring whether people think you are an arse or not. Then yes, polite but firm. Rarely apologise, rarely explain.
scurryfunger · 26/12/2021 00:19

I recommend the Anti People Pleasing podcast for this OP. It's helped me a lot with this kind of thing. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-anti-people-pleasing-podcast/id1576679526

Phoenix76 · 26/12/2021 00:34

I think you’ve already found them @CovidforCrimbo you just need to display them 😉 I started thinking that actually doing whatever was expected of me was far worse than the feeling of not doing it if that makes sense. As I’ve got older, also in my 40’s, I have realised that doing what I’m happy with (not actively hurting people though) is rather liberating and people respect us more. We have one, short life, I’m not spending it pandering to unreasonable demands.

Lottapianos · 26/12/2021 00:35

'A good therapist could help with this. Well worth it'

Very much agree with this. OP, it sounds like your parents taught you some very damaging lessons, and placed you In a role that you are sick and tired of. Well done for recognising that. Unravelling all of this and trying to change how you react to them can be dark, messy, complex stuff, and having professional support with it all can be invaluable, speaking from experience.

Original poster
CovidforCrimbo · 26/12/2021 11:47

Ordered the nice girls book and will look into seeing someone to talk to again. It has helped in the past so could help again. I just wish I didn't care as much

OP posts:
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