Feel so low

[Shoegal0305]

Not sure why I posted in AIBU? Unsure if the correct topic?

So basically, lone parent since DS was 3, he's 19 now and fled the nest, which I'm struggling so much with.

I work in emergency services and yet again 3 nights shifts Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Saw my DS for two nights earlier in the week now he's gone 50 miles north to his dads which I'm not sure he wanted to do (they're not particularly close) but he didn't want to be alone here. Tomorrow he is driving 3 1/2 hours home stopping off here for a short break. My anxiety is thru the roof when he drives. Obviously because of my job I see a lot of horrific things and it does mess with your mind. I cried all the way to work last night. Today I'm struggling to get any sleep but trying hard as will be up all night again. Stupidly went on social media and my page was flooded with the happy family posts. It's not that I'm not happy for anyone else it's just I feel so bloody miserable and alone. Anxious already for DSs long drive tomorrow. 😞

sending you love! you sound amazing doing the job you do. I can’t think of anything amazing to say but we are so lucky to have people like you in this country and you sound like a wonderful mum x

If you can, be pleased to think you brought your son up to be confident in himself that he can go off and do things. But I can understand that your work influences how you think. I admire anyone who works in the emergency services - it's not a job I could do.
So have a virtual hug from me. x

This is a cliche, but in your job you talk people in stressful situations down all the time.
Use the same technique of yourself. It really does work.. and you realise just how good you are at your job!
Thank you for all you do.

Thank you for your replies. I certainly don't feel anything special regarding my job but thank you. I just wish I could overcome this crippling anxiety regarding my son. I have my mum and sister but they don't live local, other than that I am completely alone. I am just sat here crying, feeling sorry for myself and knowing tomorrow will be awful with the anxiety 😟

You’re not alone. 🌺

@Kenwouldmixitup thank you

This time of year tends to be the point where all our thoughts, fears, etc congregate and swirl round and round in our minds. In many ways its our way of telling ourselves its time to carry out a stock take of our lives.
Try not to dwell on things that haven’t and hopefully won't happen and make plans today to change areas of your life that need changing.
Its fantastic that your son is becoming independent but doesn't stop the sadness of missing him and worrying.
You need to focus now on also taking steps forward by making new plans for you. I think we feel this way when we know it time for change.
When your son calls tomorrow why not plan to do something nice together after the holidays and maybe do something together on a regular basis.
Go easy on yourself and think of all the things you would love to do and plan to make them a reality

I’m 999 as well and I think you can easily end up with intrusive thoughts - could you get some help through work? Mine are quite into offering help. I’ve had hypnosis in the past as when DD was small I had similar fears. It’s anxiety and it’s very common. But also it’s debilitating. I saw my GP in the end and took medication for a short time. I’m fine now and the thoughts rarely come now and I’ve developed ways to dismiss them.
Also could you book time off over Xmas next year?

@Bettysnow thank you. I need to hear this. Feel like there's so many areas of my life I need to change but so difficult when I'm alone. Struggling to sleep today but know I have to a back at work tonight. My son is only having a quick stop off tomorrow and again I'm on nights tomorrow night too so not really scope to do anything. He lives 2 1/2 hours away so hard to plan regular get togethers. He rents a room so I have to find accommodation which is quite costly. I just miss him so much. But I'm super proud of him.

@Siameasy thank you. Good to hear from another 999! I work a rolling 8 week rota which is basically infinite so I know what I'm working next Christmas too - nights for the 3rd year running. I apply every year but the system is really unfair the names get chosen randomly.

My anxiety is crippling, I know tomorrow I will be literally throwing up and on AA road watch until I know my son is safe. It is extreme but I have no real support which I feel is a big factor. It so hard facing everything alone.

I don't think you ever stop worrying about them. I know i don't. I have to mentally say "stop it" out loud to myself or my imagination runs riot!
I hope you managed to get a bit of sleep especially with tonight's shift.
Maybe book leave for next xmas? Head off somewhere nice for the hols.
Excessive anxiety is horrible and really wears you down physically and mentally.
It might be worthwhile to speak to your gp and see what they can do to help. It sounds as if your job is impacting upon your mental health more than you realise. Hopefully its a quiet one tonight for you and if you can't sleep tomorrow try to keep busy until your son arrives. Maybe start by writing down some new years plans and start focusing or yourself more

You might benefit from some talking therapy or CBT. It's ok to worry but it shouldn't impact on your life so much. You might just need reminding how to cope with the stress of work and stop it impacting on your non-work life.

We can self refer locally for support for mental health (and a couple of other services apparently)

The k you for your replies. We had a really busy shift and I've only managed 3 hours sleep today. DS is due home around 2, after his hour drive from his dads then he has another 2 1/2 hour drive home. Unbelievably anxious 😟

That's meant to start THANK YOU🤪