Say something or keep quiet- porn discovery

[christmaswrappingglitter]

I'm not feeling well, so woke up early and got up so he can keep sleeping. I stuck a film on in the background using his linked storage thingy where he's electronically stored all our films, then came onto mumsnet. I got caught up in reading a post, so paused the film.

On this system, when you pause for more than 5 mins, it goes into a screensaver mode and shows a photoreel of saved pictures. This isn't new- I've seen it several times before, old photos of us on holiday, some of his family, views from his old house etc.

The screensaver started up when I was reading the posts on here, and it's half the pictures I've seen before, and half porn pictures! Mostly women posing naked or in underwear, some more explicit stuff. He must have them saved somewhere for them to show up. They look quite shit in terms of quality, so perhaps are not recent, but they've definitely never come up on the screensaver before.

The crap thing is that our sex life has been non-existent for about three years- he doesn't want it, isn't interested in any intimacy at all. So this kinda stings.

Would you say something? Especially as it's Christmas?

YABU- don't say anything, it's just some crappy porn pictures.

YANBU- you need to have it out with him.

If you think you need to say something then do or if you can carry on today and wait till later or tomorrow then do that. I think I’d have to say something as it would be on my mind. My DH also watches porn and doesn’t want sex, so feel your pain

Maybe not on xmas day... boxing day!?

No one can answer this for you. It all depends on what boundaries and expectations you two have set for your relationship. For me, porn is a non-issue. But that is just how we do us. If you don’t like it and don’t want it in your home, then that’s your right. But is he aware of your views on it? Communication is key.

What would you like to say to him about it?

Depends if you have family coming or kids for Christmas.

Could it be pictures that have been sent through to him on a WhatsApp group? Mine save automatically and men seem to share these sorts of pics from threads I have read on here.

Why would you say something? It’s really none of your business whether he looks at porn or not; it’s nothing to do with you.

The porn itself doesn't really bother me. The bits I saw (and I watched the screensaver roll for a good while in morbid fascination) were women who look a lot like me, so it's not like he's been looking at something completely different/ unattainable for me.

I suppose I want to know why he's looking at porn instead of wanting sex with me. It was easier to accept his refusal when I thought he was completely disinterested in sex altogether.

Anybody who says it's got nothing to do with you has never been in a relationship where porn is habitually chosen instead of intimacy with them.
In my relationship now porn exists, we watch it together sometimes but my DP wants me all the damn time, has never turned me down and makes me feel beautiful.
In my first marriage my then husband would never hug or kiss me. Would tell me he had no sex drive and we'd have a brief shag once a year if that. Turns out he was constantly using porn.
I would speak to him about it but if you want to avoid Christmas memories of it, (maybe not possible now) try and talk tomorrow.
He is allowed to masturbate and have a sexuality outside of sex with you sure, but at your expense emotionally and physically no he isn't. Not in a relationship.

Hi , yup what Allone... said.

Why would you say something? It’s really none of your business whether he looks at porn or not; it’s nothing to do with you.

lol, the non existent sex life certainly is her business!

I personally don't have issue with my oh watching porn. But it depends on the boundaries in your relationship. I would probably mention it in a maybe store those pictures else where so they don't come up on photos. Your sex life is a separate issue and if it's not a problem to you both then fair enough but if it is then that's definitely something to sit down and talk about.

@OmgIThinkILikeYou, sorry, I missed your message. No- he doesn't have 'lads' mates who would send pics like that.

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea, you've summed it up really well. Thank you for sharing. I really wouldn't mind him masturbating, if we also had a good, fulfilling sex life. It just feels like such a kick in the teeth to realise that he just doesn't want sex with me.

I know it’s no consolation OP, but at least it was you who saw it. Imagine putting the synology box on in front of visitors to show off your holiday photos or whatever, & they see that! Make your own video & put it on there, see if he mentions that.

I agree, it’s not OK because it’s affecting you by not having sex.
I personally wouldn’t stay in your situation, but it’s up to the individual what they will accept.

DH's theory: at some point your DH may have downloaded porn vids. He may have since deleted them, however not realised that he had to delete the thumbnails.
Your device that is pulling the photos from his photo storage, won't know the difference between jpegs that it's supposed to read and jpegs that are porn thumbnails.

I suggest that you have a quiet word with DH so he can delete them before your DCs accidentally see them.

After Christmas, you should have a proper discussion about where both of your thoughts lie on porn and intimacy, which I think is the 'real issue' and not the photo cock up.

Merry Christmas.

Definitely not OK but I think I'd hold off on speaking to him about it for a few days.

I'm in a similar situation. Sexless marriage for years, DH finally escalated to messaging women on Reddit porn, we nearly broke up. We are still in crisis and in couples counselling. I thought I was OK with porn but not at the expense of my marriage! It's so hurtful and upsetting to have a partner who doesn't want to share intimacy with you. I really feel for you OP.

He needs to know so he can stop the pics appearing on the screensaver thing. Whether you sit him down for a serious talk about you relationship or mention it casually so he's aware depends on your attitude to porn and the action you want him to take.

I'd ask him about it now. Not accuse him of anything, just point them out and say they're not yours, are they his? The explanation may be something that won't bother you, since you don't see any harm unless it directly impacts his desire for you. If it's an explanation that would be OK with you, why spoil the day thinking the worst? (If it turns out to be something that WILL bother you, agree to having an honest discussion later on when there's time.)

Not sure if you have children in the house? If so, make sure he knows not to be so careless. Even if they're old enough to know about porn, it's super creepy to know your DAD is using it. Or to get into it before you even know what a relationship is like. Food for thought.

Porn is a no from me. Sick of women being seen as fuck holes to be there solely for men's pleasure.

If my husband was part of the problem, well I wouldn't be married to him.

I couldn't keep quiet, Christmas day or not.

Finding out my life partner viewed women in that way, especially since we have a daughter, would just turn me off completely.

It’s not about the porn for OP though, it’s about his rejection of her and the fact that he’s getting his kicks from images of other women at the expense of an intimate relationship with his wife.

I can absolutely understand why you’re upset OP. I would be upset too. And I would also be angry.

I would try and forget about it until after Xmas but would definitely be having words soon after.

I suspect the porn is an effect, rather than a cause, of the lack of intimacy.

What did you do OP? How are you feeling now?

The porn would be absolute no,no.
I’d never be with someone who watches it.
Rest don’t matter compared to that.