Ex partner interfering with Xmas arrangements

[Kermitpurple1994]

Ex partner and I share a 8 month old and a 2 year old. We split just over a year ago. He has a daughter (12) from his last marriage and the reason for splitting was because he started sleeping with his ex wife while I was pregnant (call Jeremy Kyle, right?!).

Anyway, we informally agreed that he would take our two year old on Saturday and Sunday 9-5, and the 8 month old for no more than two hours because she gets bad separation anxiety and is breastfed. Over this year, my ex has had our 2 year old for Easter, mother’s day and even his birthday. We were originally going to split our son’s birthday in half (it was on a weekend) but his 12 year old became really skulky about it and kept complaining she wanted to spend the whole day with my son (in my ex’s words, she thinks she is a second mother to my son, which is strange in itself). Anyway, my ex kept sending me photos throughout my sons birthday and kept going on about how much more fun he has there, how it’s like an adults Friday night and how he gets to have fun. This made me feel awful because I was at home taking care of a newborn by myself and couldn’t give my son the same level of attention. Ex plays Disney dad every weekend. There are no rules. Just running around all day and eating ice cream and pancakes much to my dismay. I felt like my son would have more fun there after all the horrid things my ex said so I felt guilty and didn’t get to see my son for his birthday.

Fast forward to today (Xmas day), we had agreed prior that our son would spend the day with me, and that ex could have Boxing Day and the day after to make up for it. I also made the argument that he’s had him on all these occassions over the year, plus he has another family to spend Xmas day with (I have no family or friends here). I gave my ex the money to pick up a sandpit for our son as it’s hot here and it would be a fun Xmas day activity. He was supposed to drop it off days prior, but kept putting it off (I couldn’t get it myself as I don’t drive). Then he says he will just leave it outside the door on Xmas morning so that my son will think Santa dropped it off. 7:30am my ex starts ringing the doorbell like a lunatic with his 12 year old daughter. It completely disrupted my time with our son as my son gets confused and thinks he’s going there and goes into ‘party mode’. I didn’t answer the door and I just called him and told him to leave it outside as agreed. Then he kept saying him and his daughter wanted to come in. I said no and for him not to hijack our day. The incident really upset me and ruined my morning with my children. My ex is extremely manipulative and the only time my son wants to see him is when his 12 year old is there. He knew my son would automatically assume it was his visiting day and start running out the door with him to look forward to a day of junk food and running around non stop. I don’t show up during his parenting days and I don’t interfere at all, especially unannounced. Am I right to be upset here or am I a so and so for not answering the door?

A part of me is insecure that my son does have more fun there, and in a sense I suppose a ‘good parent’ would want what makes their child happy... but not to the extent that I never get to enjoy any special occasions with him uninterrupted. Just because I have routines and rules and have another baby here shouldn’t mean that I miss out on this quality time. My ex even demands for half of school holiday times so his daughter can see him for 2 weeks at a time which is ridiculous because he’s only 2, has no concept of time and should not be separated from his primary caregiver for that long. And yet he asks me constantly even after I’ve given him my answer. He seems to think my role as a mother isn’t important to our son.

Also, before someone jumps in to call me a hypocrite for stating ‘he doesn’t think my rol as a mother is important’ is to do with developmental psychology and the role of the primary caregiver to the child’s attachment style. He doesn’t seem to think it would be detrimental to a 2 year old to be separated from his mother for weeks at a time and my ex puts his own wants and desires ahead of our sons needs.

Good on you for not answering the door. He's a prize dickhead, even more so for involving his older DC.

A good parent makes a child feel safe, secure and loved. I'm sure you are doing that in droves.
By cheating on you during your pregnancy, your ex completely buggered up his side of the deal. You are right to stick to your guns. Making a big performance like that would be confusing to your DS at such a young age. Plus the present is from you/Santa - not your ex. He doesn't get to grab the glory as well as confuse DS.
Keep doing what you're doing. Parenting two very young kids is hard. You clearly care dearly about making sure DS feels safe and secure. I hope you enjoy the rest of the day.

Your ex is a dick and if he thinks that it’s a great idea for your child to consider his 12 year old sister “another mother” then you know what level of maturity your ex is at. Also what kind of boundaries he has. Is the 12 year old left in charge of these babies? (Probably.) Would you ever know the truth of this? (No… He’s everybody’s best friend. He buys them junk food, watches movies and plays computer games. I doubt he insists on school work and regular sleep times or veggies.) I genuinely think you need to get a regular, court-ordered schedule put in place. I don’t know if the 12 year old’s mum is in the picture, but I’d bet she would have a lot to say about this, and so would her school.

He sounds like a manipulative wanker. Well done for not opening the door. Hope you had a lovely time with the kids.

We’ll done for not answering the door!

Did he leave the sand pit and leave?

Take that as a victory. That’s huge!

Superficially the Disney-dadding may be fun for your ds, but you said it yourself - DS only likes being there when his half-sister is there. Don’t let ex gas light you into thinking he’s the better parent, you’re doing brilliantly.

Also, why did ex get DS on Mother’s Day? That day is 100% yours. Tell him he can have Father’s Day.

You should be glad your child wants to be with his Dad and sister and is excited to see him. I'm sure the 8 month old will feel similar. My older children feel maternal towards their younger singing, it's natural.
I know it s hard not to feel jealous but your ex obviously loves all his children. You are right though to want to enjoy your time uninterrupted.

Loves them so much he feeds them junk ans bullies their mother 🙄

Sibling, not singing.

The fact your 2 year old only wants to see dad when sister is there is a huge red flag. Made worse by dad saying his dd sees herself as a 2nd mother.
Makes me very concerned that your DS is bonded with his sister and not dad, likely because she is the one doing all the parenting. Which is incredibly damaging to her, and your DS.

In terms of developmental psychology, it's recommended that a young child should not spend more time away from their primary carer than their age, for example a 2 month old= 2 hours or a 2-year-old= 2 days. It could be detrimental for a young child to spend 2 weeks away from his/her mother. I've seen this Disney Dad phenomenon in my work very often, and it does confuse children and make them feel insecure. Young children need stability and predictability, as boring as it sounds.

@Squeezita

Loves them so much he feeds them junk ans bullies their mother 🙄

It is possible. Love doesn't have to be textbook parenting. It's a good thing that a child loves going there, how many posts are there about distraught children being forced to visit their Dad?

Well done for setting boundaries! The children will eventually understand that Disney dad is negligent, but they have to learn that sad lesson for themselves. May l suggest you don't ask your ex for assistance. If you don't ask him for help, then he has less chance to abuse you. He is a classic abuser and will use any chance to bring you down. He feels entitled to use and abuse women. Will he change? Probably not, because he doesn't have to. The biggest victims are his children. The 12 year old won't want to keep babysitting when she is 16. Please don't feel insecure. There is no substitute for a mother's love, your children love you and always will. Read Lundy Bancroft on how abusers think.

Although I get your frustration at your ex intruding on your day, it's Christmas so surely it's about what your son wants, too. If your son is as bonded to you as all the development psychology says, he won't be harmed about seeing his father and half sister for a few minutes, surely? Maybe I've misunderstood but isnt it a good thing that he loves being with his fathers family and that his father wants to spend time with him and that your son enjoys it too?

Make it absolutely clear him and his daughter are not welcome in your house unless you have specifically invited them. What a prick he is to use her like that. Anyway I hope you have a nice day. Xx

@negomi90

The fact your 2 year old only wants to see dad when sister is there is a huge red flag. Made worse by dad saying his dd sees herself as a 2nd mother. Makes me very concerned that your DS is bonded with his sister and not dad, likely because she is the one doing all the parenting. Which is incredibly damaging to her, and your DS.

@negomi90

I feel like our son has only bonded with dad by association of his half sister. For example, when they collect him on a Saturday, they usually both wait outside he door on the floor with arms open - toddler immediately runs to 12 year old and ignores his dad. On a few occasions she has hid from sight (maybe because dad wanted to see if he would get that same greeting if she wasn’t there), and my toddler stops in his tracks and turns around to me instead of greeting/hugging his dad. If we bump into his dad somewhere, my toddler says hello but follows it up with ‘where’s X (half sisters name)’

I’m not there to see what goes on during the weekends and my son doesn’t stay overnight anymore because my ex said he tried to breastfeed from his daughter and was waking frequently at night (which he doesn’t here, and yes I still breastfeed him because I don’t want him to feel left out from his new sibling). I said to my ex that his daughter is a child and not in a position of authority with our son, and that he’s the adult. For example I complained that our son didn’t eat dinner because my ex had given him ice cream at 4pm, to which he remarked it was his daughter who gave him the ice cream... who’s the adult? When I told him it isn’t her job to be the one making these decisions and playing with him all day, he says his daughter does it by herself of her own free will and isn’t being made to do anything. From what I gather she plays hide and seek, it, and watches tv with him. Not really activities I would think of as motherly but I’m not there to know otherwise. It’s very unsettling sending off my little boy when he’s at an age he can’t articulate everything to understand.

@negomi90

The fact your 2 year old only wants to see dad when sister is there is a huge red flag. Made worse by dad saying his dd sees herself as a 2nd mother. Makes me very concerned that your DS is bonded with his sister and not dad, likely because she is the one doing all the parenting. Which is incredibly damaging to her, and your DS.

I was thinking this too. It sounds like your 2 year old is his sister’s doll and he sits back and doesn’t parent.

What will happen when he starts school or you go back to work. I would think carefully about the pattern of your ex having your two year old for all of the weekend.

@madisonbridges

Although I get your frustration at your ex intruding on your day, it's Christmas so surely it's about what your son wants, too. If your son is as bonded to you as all the development psychology says, he won't be harmed about seeing his father and half sister for a few minutes, surely? Maybe I've misunderstood but isnt it a good thing that he loves being with his fathers family and that his father wants to spend time with him and that your son enjoys it too?

@madisonbridges

Ordinarily, yes. But to understand my ex you need to know that he is incredibly manipulative and this was just a show of a power play. Our son would have run to the door, mistaking the visit for being collected for the day (Saturday), would have been excited about spending the day running around and eating sugar, for my ex to demonstrate that ‘obviously’ our son would rather spend the day with him. Even on 3 occassions, my ex will ask our son ‘do you want to come and have fun with X (half sister) or just stay here with mummy?’ Two out of 3 times, my son said he wanted to stay here with me. But my ex took him anyway. So it was really a show for trying to make me feel bad because he expected my son would choose them over me.

@madisonbridges

It would have upset me a lot if I had seen my son running to the door, assuming he was spending the day with them and then the fear of him being disappointed to learn he would be staying here. I can’t run around playing games all day. Of course it is more fun to a child to eat ice cream and play with another kid and I’m tired of my ex pitting me against them. I’m an exhausted, grown adult just wanting to enjoy the day and downtime with my bubs and without all the manipulative BS.

my son doesn’t stay overnight anymore because my ex said he tried to breastfeed from his daughter and was waking frequently at night (which he doesn’t here, and yes I still breastfeed him because I don’t want him to feel left out from his new sibling). I said to my ex that his daughter is a child and not in a position of authority with our son, and that he’s the adult.

You are so right, your son is confused by your exs behaviour. What an arsehole

Lots of children second 50/50 with both parents from a young age and have 2 primary caregivers.

This isn't the case here but it doesn't mean splitting time between 2 homes will necessarily be detrimental.

Fathers can be primary caregivers too.

But his stunt he pulled does make him a wanker. He tried to encroach on your plans. Also agree mothers and Father's Day should be spent with mum or dad.