Family fallout and being left on read. Miserable

[Ohnowhy2]

Made a thread about this yesterday. But background.

Travelling to see elderly parents for Xmas, who are scared of covid. Lived in a little bubble. I am driving my brother flying. Brother and I got twitched about catching covid. We have been semi isolating, but both have to work etc.

I got contacted by track and trace as 2 friends tested positive - now 12 in their extended family. I did PCR negative and daily lateral flow. My bro is concerned about travelling through London to get on a plane with cases so high. In fact my mum said I did my PCR too early and if she caught covid would die.

We had a family video call 2 days ago to discuss risks. Plan to ask if everyone was comfortable and if so carry on. My bro and I got 1 mins in explaining our risks and my mum flew off the handle. Air turned blue we got told to fuck off, first words. We did not say cancel, just comfortable with risk.

I get she is upset and disappointed as we have only spent 2 days together in last 2 years (parents lived in Italy till last month). But it was a massive abusive response. Got told we have always been a disappointment and broke their heart. We have spent Xmas together for 40 years, except last year - us always travelling.

We have tried to apologise and speak to them. Can’t get past my dad. My dad says their behaviour is acceptable and we need to apologise for treating them like children. They are not accepting anything. My brother and I don’t understand what we did. I have had the same conversation with friends in the past week about risk etc and I was an adult discussion.

If I had a friend who swore that much and was so aggressive relationship ended. I have texted and asked for a family call tomorrow to at least see each other, including grandkids. Nothing - left on read.

We offered to come up later for new year. Got told no, see you next November as off back to Italy.

Tried to call and text. Getting ignored. I feel guilty I have upset my mum but I still don’t understand tye massive reaction and silence.

My partner was there during the call and he was so shocked and said I shouldn’t accept this behaviour and didn’t understand how it escalated.

What do I do?

You do nothing now. You leave it. You've tried to contact them and they have ignored you. Your DM should not have spoken to you like that, she is now playing the victim and wants you to crawl over broken glass to make amends.
I would leave them to cool off, do not apologise otherwise she will behave the same again

I cannot see anything you (or your brother) did that would warrant that response, sounds like her being unreasonable.

I would ignore her, until she called and apologised. Seriously, if that takes weeks, months, I would not make the next move.
She sounds dreadful and and a bit unhinged.

Just ignore them & have a lovely time with your partner. Sounds like the perfect result to me.

I wouldn’t want anything to do with her until she apologised. Why are you apologising and asking for zoom calls when she’s been so abusiive to you! Your partner is right, you should accepting this.

Has she got a history of flying off the handle/over reacting, being horrible to you and then giving you the silent treatment?

You do nothing. You apologise for nothing. You don't pander to insanity. If they want to ever see you again, they know your number. Whether you answer the phone is up to you.

Your partner is right.

Ignore them.

Make a lovely Christmas at home. Do not answer any calls from them. They sound ridiculous and controlling.

You have done what you can. Put it down now.

I’d stick with your brother and try and stick together and not lose a relationship with him either
You’ve done enough and if she is dramatic enough to say she’d die if she got covid (for what reason? Is she not vaccinated?) then she should be the one who’s being the most careful
Moving countries during a pandemic doesn’t sound like someone who’s super careful over covid either
Leave her have a lovely Christmas and let them come crawling back when they want something

As someone who has BTDT, the only way to deal with this to minimise misery all round is to call their bluff. Do not chase them. Don't cry and beg and suggest things to them. When they tell you "see you next November" say "OK, let us know some dates you are free nearer the time"

Parents like this are emotional terrorists. Lots of people have to be NC with theirs but I have thankfully been able to "train" mine to treat me with respect. Once they understand that shouting, swearing, emotional blackmail, personal insults etc results in me walking out/ending a phonecall/cancelling a visit to see them they can manage to wind it in.

The problem is that right now they know that, no matter what they do, you will forgive them and pander to them because they are your parents and you love them. They have the upper hand. It's horrible, I wont lie - the guilt is crushing at first, but I promise it gets better with time and as you get stronger they will see you mean it. Once they start to respect you, you will all be happier. Best of luck, you have my absolute sympathy x

You do nothing.

The reason why they haven’t seen you for two years is because they chose to live in Italy. If it was that important to them, they would have travelled to the U.K. before needing to fir the house sale.

You took all the necessary steps to protect them.
You asked them what they thought about the risks.
That’s nit treating them like children.

I’m wondering if there isn’t some backstory there. A different way to deal, with contact cases in Italy. Them being extremely worried and believing unreasonable things. Just being actually in full in anxiety mode (as in the medical anxiety illness iyswim), nit helped by cases here getting out of hand.
Otherwise, it just doesn’t make sense.

FWIW, my parents and esp my dad has been reacting like this. Flying off the handle over covid hiccups mainly because if the high stress and anxiety coming from covid. My mum still doesn’t go into a shop. My dad is climbing the walls whilst being worried/scared. It doesn’t make a good combination tbh.
And yes because they are living in France and moved there just before covid, it means we’ve hardly seen them since too….

I don’t see that you’ve done anything wrong and agree that you should leave them now until they apologise

"I still don’t understand tye massive reaction and silence."

Well it works doesn't it? How much chasing and apologising and trying to get back in the good books have you done, rather than doing what you would with anyone else- expecting nothing less than them grovelling for speaking to you like shit.

I'm with everybody else. You do nothing, you let them stew in their own juices. DO NOT APOLOGISE when you have nothing to apologise for.

And I might just choose to not be available come next November.

@CovidCorvid she does this often. It’s like a red mist. She rants and gets angry. Then all is forgotten. But this was too far and abusive . My brother has never seen her like this. It’s normally a rant to me about others, not this personal and no idea where it came from.