@MolkosTeenageAngst
Are you currently working with a treatment team/have you access to any MH support? Because if so & you’ve not discussed this strand of things with them, you really should. If not - which I know is likely - can you work the Covid!stuff into your more general strategies for combatting OCD & anxiety. For example, The Thoughts tell you that people will turn against you if you were to get covid & tell them. The pushbacks include: everyone who knows you will know you are careful & follow the rules; Omicron, in particular, is incredibly virulent; you are in no way responsible for having caught it & they do not blame you. Moreover, telling them is really important - any negative emotions they may express are not directed at you, nor are they your fault or responsibility. Furthermore, given how covid spreads, there’s no guarantee that you wouldn’t simply have noticed symptoms first, or have symptomatic COVID caught from someone with asymptomatic COVID & thus be trying to assign blame to yourself that isn’t yours. Which of course comes to the next thing: would you treat others like that? “But I deserve it” is not an answer to the question I just asked; & also it is your mind being a big meanypants. I do understand & appreciate fighting the negative self-talk is exhausting. But people really don’t choose to engage with people they secretly loathe & despise; & you do deserve to have Good Things in your life. Which I can know; your mind is a big lying liar that lies if it says otherwise.
More practically, can you make some plans for Just In Case you have to isolate so if that worry tries to kick in you have a written plan of action to stop it in its tracks? Are you able to afford to buy some extra tinned & dried food (& of course, have you space to store it)? Space in your freezer for a loaf of bread? Which supermarkets by you do deliveries, including the 1-hour ones Sainsbury’s & Tesco offer in some places? Can you get Amazon Fresh where you are; &/or do you have Deliveroo with the option of grocery deliveries? Mutual aid is still going in lots of places, & fetching food for people who are isolating is exactly what they’re for: you’d not be bothering them or being a nuisance. Do you have a family member or friend you’d feel able to ask? (I understand that might be too stressful.)
With our absolute shower of a government it’s impossible to know what they’ll do; but there is a very real possibility the rules will change after Christmas.
Please seek support when the suicidal ideation hits, whether that’s your GP/treatment team/crisis team; the Samaritans; or any of the other support services suggested by the NHS. The world would not be a better place without you in it; the people in your life would not be happier without you; & you would be missed.
Have a happy Christmas; & please look after yourself 