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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how to deal with this?

23 replies

HappyDays40 · 23/12/2021 19:18

I'll keep it short, my cousin is adopted and was born addicted to cousin amongst other things. He had a lot of trouble growing up and struggled with ADHD.
Fast forward to 25 he takes drugs but is functioning holding down his own business. I recently found out that his mum ( my auntie) has been has been ringing my retired parents to ask for money to pay bills.
Fast forward again and the £2000.00 over several months she borrowed appeared to be to pay for my cousin's drug habit. It appears that she has been funding it since he was a teenager to quieten him down.
My mum and dad are upset as they need their money back and thought they were giving it to my dad's sister to pay essential bills. Ive given it to them as I would never see then short but I have also told my auntie that she owes me the money and that she should never ever bring me parents into that world again. I am so annoyed and told her to fuck off contacting them or me ever again. She has got onto my dad and told him.
My poor old dad is upset that I upset his sister who he loves. My view is that my auntie has started this she has begged me not to tell their other siblings but TBH I have feck all to lose. I feel like a loose cannon but don't quite know how to deal with how I'm feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyDays40 · 23/12/2021 19:19

Sorry he was born addicted to cochineal.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyDays40 · 23/12/2021 19:20

Sorry cochineal.... damn fat fingers.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyDays40 · 23/12/2021 19:20

Third time lucky..... cocaine.

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 23/12/2021 19:25

I am sorry..the cochineal did make me laugh.

You seem to think your parents need protecting...do they know the truth (as you see it). Are they vulnerable?

You seem to be taking on a lot of responsibility...does that sound fair?

Original poster
HappyDays40 · 23/12/2021 19:34

Yes and I mean they have full capacity no problems at all but they are not very worldy and I feel very protective as they raised me and my sister with such love and I couldn't have asked for better. I feel now its my job to make sure they are okay as they get older. They know now that the money was used for drug purchases. They are honest, kind and my dad worked 12 hour days in a factory for years for that money. I feel its a piss take of their kindness especially from my dad's sister.
They give people things in good faith and have been shit on. I don't take it lightly and couldn't give a shit about my auntie's opinion of me. I couldn't care if I never see her again. It is just not something you do.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyDays40 · 23/12/2021 19:36

She admitted that was what it was for when I rang her and says it had to stop, she broke down and told me about the drug habit.....like I should feel sorry.

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 23/12/2021 19:45

OK. You said in your first post:

. I feel like a loose cannon but don't quite know how to deal with how I'm feeling.

So I think you've acted practically and protectively.....how are you feeling...you allude to being angry...are you for example anxious about how all this will play out over time?

What are your thoughts about telling your sister?

Who was your focus for gift buying and time before this happened(parents? Partner? Kids?)

Maggie178 · 23/12/2021 19:53

It sounds like your auntie is struggling. I'd listen to her. I'd help her look into professional help and support for her son. Helping fund his drug habit is enabling him not helping him long term.

ThinWomansBrain · 23/12/2021 19:53

Cousin isn't really "holding down own business" (or holding up?) if he is reliant on his mummy borrowing cash from aged relatives to support him.

I'd be open with siblings about what's happened - someone to vent to for you, and hear their opinions of the situation, and you'll all be able to suport your parents emotionally.

FFSFFSFFS · 23/12/2021 19:55

Well. You should have some sympathy. What do you think it does to a baby’s brain being born addicted to cocaine?

Being angry doesn’t solve the problems of addiction.

Lou98 · 23/12/2021 19:56

Honestly, I think you need to mind your business a little bit. You've said your parents aren't vulnerable etc so you should really have left it to your dad to deal with his sister how he sees fit - not had a go at her.

You've also said that your Dad is upset with you and his sister arguing, how do you think he is going to feel if you were to go around telling their other siblings? Look at it as keeping quiet for him, not for her

CrazyOldBagLady · 23/12/2021 20:00

It's an expensive lesson to learn but be thankful it's all in the open now and no further money will be given. You won't be able to recoup any of the money, but at least you can always decline further loans on the basis that £2k is still owed.

Your aunt has been an idiot, but you know her weakness now so don't give her any more cash. You won't gain anything by ostracising her or trying to get between your dad and her. Wash your hands of it.

CrazyOldBagLady · 23/12/2021 20:01

Personally I would make sure your siblings know not to lend her any money.

Bassetlover · 23/12/2021 20:04

Your cousin may be bullying or coercing your aunt into giving him money. Is she elderly or vulnerable? If yes, maybe it would be worth contacting her local authority Safeguarding Adults officer. They can support her.

user1471457751 · 23/12/2021 20:08

I would make sure others know. Otherwise they will believe her sob story about needing money to pay bills when really the money is for drugs

cansu · 23/12/2021 20:08

Isn't it up to your parents who they give their money to? You are right to discuss it with your parents and make sure they are aware of the state your cousin is in. You are wrong to ring your aunt and berate her and tell her to fuck off.

mnetting · 23/12/2021 20:12

IF he has a drug problem why mention he has ADHD?

Vapeyvapevape · 23/12/2021 20:17

The op’s parents can give money to whoever they like but if the reason they have been given as to why the money is needed is a lie then I think someone should definitely have stepped in .

Original poster
HappyDays40 · 23/12/2021 20:43

@mnetting I mention he has ADHD as she would get him drugs as a teenager to "calm him down". She always said she wouldn't let have Ritalin quite happy to ply him with Ketamine though.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyDays40 · 23/12/2021 20:48

@cansu I agree my parents can give money to who they like but when someone tells them it's for bills when it's to find drugs then of course I'm going to stick up for them. My parents take people at face value. My auntie took the pass. I feel like telling my auntie and dad's two sisters so they don't fall for the same shit.

OP posts:
Ameanstreakamilewide · 24/12/2021 09:13

@Lou98

Honestly, I think you need to mind your business a little bit. You've said your parents aren't vulnerable etc so you should really have left it to your dad to deal with his sister how he sees fit - not had a go at her.

You've also said that your Dad is upset with you and his sister arguing, how do you think he is going to feel if you were to go around telling their other siblings? Look at it as keeping quiet for him, not for her

The OP's parents are her business.

I would have done exactly the same thing, too. How many people would be happy to fund someone else's drug habit?
The aunt lied and said it was for bills - she deliberately withheld that key piece of information.
Knowing full well that her brother and sister in law would baulk at handing over £2k for a cocaine and ketamine addiction .

I wouldn't care if my aunt disliked me for it, either. I wouldn't let anyone disrespect my parents like that.

TizerorFizz · 24/12/2021 09:25

It’s the old problem isn’t it? Never lend money too family. Always causes issues in one way or another.

Your parents have been lied to. Tell your siblings snd talk about it. I probably wouldn’t tell other family members. They will have to make their own decisions. Your aunt is probably manipulated by her adopted son and conflicted. I’ve certainly heard of parents doing this to keep the peace. She does need help so try snd keep this in mind. She’s had an awful time with sn adopted child she tried to help. That’s hard.

Lou98 · 24/12/2021 09:34

@Ameanstreakamilewide her parents are her parents - she's said they're perfectly capable, it was for them to deal with. She's also said her Dad is upset she's said what she has to an Aunt.

They don't need protecting when they're capable adults

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