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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To reach out to my ex (absent father)

19 replies

RedCandyApple · 22/12/2021 20:43

I did post this on another board but only got a couple of responses.

My ex doesn’t see our children at all, he is fully absent and has been for the last 4 years (apart from about 3 times in those 4 years) anyway there is zero contact at all, and he last saw them a year ago (like I said he’s been absent for 4 years but he has popped up on a few occasions asking to see them but disappearing again very quickly) anyway the last time he was meant to see them was on my daughters birthday when he asked if he could come over and see her, I said yes but he just never showed up. No call no text nothing, he didn’t even respond to the messages I sent asking when he was coming. That was the last time we had contact.

My oldest has autism and severe behavioural problems, I’m struggling with her on my own as I can’t even go out with her, her behaviour is completely out of control and I just can’t manage it on my own, I have no help from family they are all useless. My daughters problems are affecting my other children as I’m unable to take them anywhere. Should I reach out to my ex? I’ve always been against contacting him and I’m fully of the opinion that you can’t force someone to be a parent but of course my situation isn’t a typical situation and my daughter is getting harder and harder then older she gets I’m not sure how much more I can cope with. Would it be a terrible idea to contact him?

OP posts:

Original poster

RedCandyApple · 22/12/2021 21:28

Just to add he did message me a few days after not showing up to say he didn’t receive my message saying he could come, but that wouldn’t be true as I sent three messages, one saying he could come, then 2 on the day one asking what time he would be coming. All said they were delivered.

OP posts:

LittleMG · 22/12/2021 21:58

I mean this in the kindest possible way but how much help is he really going to be? Have you tried contacting any local parents groups and organisations that might be able to give support and advice? Sorry someone with more knowledge on this in sure will be along soon. But he doesn’t sound like he’s going to be a lot of help tbh. Sorry op x

HabitsDieHard · 22/12/2021 22:07

it's not that it's a terrible decision to contact him, more that he has already shown that he is completely useless and it's very unlikely he will suddenly come good. Sorry, I'd like to be more positive.
Are there any other types of support you can get? Local groups, Facebook groups who might be able to give good advice? Can the school help you in any way I wonder? Sorry Op it sounds awfully tough

DismantledKing · 22/12/2021 22:08

I’m sorry, but I can’t see how he’s going to be any help at all. He’s made it very clear that you can’t depend on him.

Original poster

RedCandyApple · 22/12/2021 22:14

I’m thinking maybe I was too harsh on him? He use to see the children by coming to my house as he was unable to take them to his, I made it clear I wasn’t happy with that as I didn’t want him in my house (there was reasons for this) but now I’m thinking I should have just put up with it. At least I would be able to nip to the shops if I needed. I’m on Facebook groups but all I ever get told is to avoid her triggers, I can’t avoid them they are everything, babies crying, loud people, something happening she doesn’t like, she’s taken a dislike to the library opposite our house and I can’t even leave the house without her having a full blown melt down and refusing to walk and lying on the floor. I haven’t been to groups as I would be too worried about her behaviour.

OP posts:

bluebell34567 · 22/12/2021 22:24

can you speak to your gp about that? maybe they can offer ideas about some services for asd children and families.

Original poster

RedCandyApple · 23/12/2021 00:52

The thing about groups is I doubt I would even be able to attend them, I dread taking her down the street never mind on the bus to a group, I got to the bus stop the other day and had to turn and come home as she was being aggressive to my other children and screaming, everyone says being a single parent is easier but it just isn’t, not in my situation, my situation isn’t one that gets easier, it’s just getting harder, she’s become so much worse in the last couple of years.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2021 00:57

You sound worn out and absolutely desperate OP

I don't know what the answer is but I'm certain it's not reaching out to your unreliable fair weather father of an ex.

You clearly need some sort of assistance/respite but I can tell you now, you won't find it in him.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 23/12/2021 00:59

I think you're desperate for help. Why wouldn't you be? But would it be better or worse to have him agree to help only to ghost you at the last minute?
Even if he did appear, he doesn't know her well enough to be the safe pair of hands she needs. Do you have a disability social worker?

Original poster

RedCandyApple · 23/12/2021 09:21

No we don’t have a social worker, we have no help outside of school. Tbh they’ve been involved in the past and it really wasn’t a good experience so I would be reluctant to go down that route again. When I did speak to them they only suggested contacting my ex anyway. Looks like I will have to leave it then, I’m just worried about the future as she is getting harder not easier.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 23/12/2021 09:32

You poor woman.
This sounds very very hard.

I think you need to speak to your GP if this is affecting your other children.

Long term, could her behaviour cause problems for them?

Would residential care be an option?

I can imagine that sounds hard but your other children need protecting from this.

Will they develop problems as they grow up through being around this?

Speak to your GP and ask for support.
It is too much for one person.

Original poster

RedCandyApple · 23/12/2021 09:45

Yes it’s affecting my other children, they regularly ask why she has to be like this and wish she wasn’t, even my 4 year old has started asking me not to bring her with us when we go out as they don’t like the way she acts, she asks me to leave her at home and not bring her (can’t do that)

I’ve thought about residential but I couldn’t afford it I’m not working because I can’t, it’s constant calls from the school, constant meetings, she’s been on reduced time tables as they wouldn’t have her in for the full day.

OP posts:

IncompleteSenten · 23/12/2021 11:27

What would be the point?
You already know he doesn't give a shot about them..
He won't care.
You need help. Try local services and charities. Talk to the schools and la. Tell them you cannot cope any more and need help.

IncompleteSenten · 23/12/2021 11:32

You don't pay for residential school. You need an emergency review and request a placement. It can be a long process and you need support to make your case.

Unfortunately the reality is you may have to say either you help me or I cannot cope any longer and must surrender her to foster care.

I know. It goes against everything you feel as a mother but the reality is that they act when it will cost more money to care for her than to support you.

megletthesecond · 23/12/2021 11:34

Don't contact him. He's not suddenly going to step up.

I know it's brutal being alone with a challenging child but I think a useless ex partner would make it worse.

Original poster

RedCandyApple · 23/12/2021 11:55

I don’t think it makes it worse, honestly people say being a single parent is easier than being with a useless partner but I think that’s only true if the ex still remains in contact when you split and actually had involvement with the children or you have supportive family, or your children are NT. I won’t contact him as I haven’t spoken to one single person who says I should, so I will leave it as it is, no good will come of it I suppose that is true, he was never able to have them at his house anyway, like I said he would only see them at mine and I did resent him for that.

I will look into residential as I am waiting back to hear if she has been accepted into a Sen school which I know does residential as well. I’ve spoken to her school but they seem equally useless, I can’t even get her into school in the mornings as she refuses to go, refuses to get dressed, doesn’t like walking, runs off when we get to the school, tries to run into the road, she had 3 members of staff accompany her on her school trip just gone, she’s physically attacked teachers and they still insist she is fine in the school.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 23/12/2021 12:13

@IncompleteSenten

You don't pay for residential school. You need an emergency review and request a placement. It can be a long process and you need support to make your case.

Unfortunately the reality is you may have to say either you help me or I cannot cope any longer and must surrender her to foster care.

I know. It goes against everything you feel as a mother but the reality is that they act when it will cost more money to care for her than to support you.

This is solid advice.

Unfortunately services often don't happen until carer's take a stand.

I learnt this when I worked with a lovely woman who was the only child of an early dementia patient, her poor mother.

She developed it in 40's and after several years was the only person looking after her as her father died.

Social services were happy for her to work and go home to look after her.
She was alone all day.
Just awful.
She arrived home from work and her mother had fallen.
She called an ambulance and packed a bag.
She told the hospital that she would not be returning home.
They couldn't release her and found a care home.
So awful for my colleague to be driven to that action.
She was able to visit her mother and have the relationship she wanted with her.
24 years of age is too young to take such a load on.
Sometimes drastic action is required.

I really think you need to think about the childhood your other children are having.

You can still be a loving mother while your daughter is in residential care.

Also, what if this makes you sick?
What choice would you have then?

You really need to think ahead.

It is too much for one person.

Original poster

RedCandyApple · 23/12/2021 13:07

Thank you, honestly it does help hearing it’s too much for one person, I often think this to myself, I’ve even asked for help from family but they tell me they are my responsibility and I chose to have her, whilst that is true I think it’s sad they won’t help when they know how much I’m struggling, I had my daughter at 22 and I was very naive about disabilities, There is no one in my family with autism/adhd and none of my family have children with it either so stupidly It wasn’t something I had much awareness of and I feel alone in it all and none of them understand what it’s actually like.

OP posts:

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 23/12/2021 13:15

I know in my area there are charities that support families of children with asd. Have you tried googling “your city + autism support”? I know my friend gets a certain number of hours of respite per week, where carers take her son out. Also, have you tried posting here on the sen boards?
It sounds like things are really tough.

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