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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think friend is phasing me out?

24 replies

aquarius0126 · 22/12/2021 16:21

We've been friends for over 10 years, bridesmaids at each other's wedding and had our first babies within 6 months of each other.

Pre-kids we spent a lot of time together and often included our husbands - they both got along well.

My friend had her baby first, I was pregnant but still communicated regularly and scheduled visits etc. I had my baby 3 weeks into the first lockdown and she visited with her family, sitting in the garden while we remained inside. She probably 'window visited' more than anyone else and the weather wasn't always pleasant.

Lockdown eased and we had a few play dates but I always felt like I made the effort.

My friend just had a second baby and I'm well aware how little free time she has with 2 kids but even when she was pregnant I was always the one initiating conversation or making plans.

I don't post often on social media but on the odd occasion I do, she never comments or even likes where as a year ago she would be the first to comment. I probably wouldn't think twice about this but she has another friend with kids and constantly comments on her posts and photos so it's not like she isn't active on social media.

AIBU to think she is done with our friendship and trying to phase me out?
YANBU - she is busy and I'm probably being paranoid and looking into this too much.

I can be quite an anxious person so it is possible I'm over thinking.

OP posts:

Watchingpeppa12 · 22/12/2021 16:28

I feel like this with a friend recently too! Initially lots of effort made, now it’s very one sided 😏 maybe make less effort snd see what happens? Friends come and go in life anyway

Original poster

aquarius0126 · 22/12/2021 16:30

@Watchingpeppa12

I feel like this with a friend recently too! Initially lots of effort made, now it’s very one sided 😏 maybe make less effort snd see what happens? Friends come and go in life anyway

I was thinking of doing this, the only thing stopping me is the time of year. I've bought her kids gifts and I know she has a gift for mine but I could just leave things for her to make contact and arrange the exchange.

Thank you for your response.

OP posts:

Allmadeoflego · 22/12/2021 16:33

On the social media thing - she really may not be seeing your posts. Only a fraction of your friends see what you post. And if she’s in a lot of groups on Fb they will usually appear first in the feed over friends etc.

Merryoldgoat · 22/12/2021 16:35

I occasionally relate this story but I had a very close friend I thought. I realised over time I initiated everything so stopped. I wanted to see when I next heard from her.

It’s 7 years now.

Friendships should be two way and yours isn’t. Let it go.

Original poster

aquarius0126 · 22/12/2021 16:35

@Allmadeoflego

I have wondered about this, maybe because I don't regularly post them maybe I don't come up on hers anymore. Last year I was on maternity leave and had more time to post but I've probably posted 4 or 5 times this year.

It's so silly, I hate to obsess over something as silly as social media when I don't usually give it much thought.

OP posts:

Original poster

aquarius0126 · 22/12/2021 16:37

@Merryoldgoat

I occasionally relate this story but I had a very close friend I thought. I realised over time I initiated everything so stopped. I wanted to see when I next heard from her.

It’s 7 years now.

Friendships should be two way and yours isn’t. Let it go.

Thank you.

You are right. It just makes me sad because I genuinely value our friendship but if she doesn't then I should stop making the effort.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 22/12/2021 16:43

Last year I was on maternity leave and had more time to post but I've probably posted 4 or 5 times this year.
Re fb it's likely to be that, I need to either leave some groups or do something else aa they're all I ever see now unless l look at friends actual pages!

alongwayhome · 22/12/2021 16:45

When you say she did lots of window visits during lockdown, is it possible she feels that was one sided? How come you didn't visit her?

Hemingwayscatz · 22/12/2021 16:50

I feel a bit like this with my friend too. It’s a shame because I consider her my closest friend but she has gradually been messaging less and less so now I don’t feel like messaging her all that much. She has a lot going on in her life though so I don’t know whether she’s actively phasing me out or just forgetting to get in touch because she’s so busy.

Could be the same with your friend, maybe she’s just really busy (the jump from one to two children is a bit of a shock!) and she’s forgetting to get in touch.

Tinylittlecabbages · 22/12/2021 16:52

I mean there are two possibilities really, that she is trying to phase you out or that she's just been stressed/busy/bad at staying in contact. I think if it's normally much better and it's just dropped off since she's having a second baby then it's worth watching and waiting how things go, and perhaps lowering your expectations for the time being. Having 2 small children is a lot, and it can be easy to let other things in your life slide. It sounds like she has still been thinking of you if she has bought a gift for your child, it's not like she has completely fallen off the side of the planet

FlorenceNightshade · 22/12/2021 16:58

Rather than obsess about social media posts that she may or may not see id take a more direct approach. Text or WhatsApp her. Then you'll know for sure if she's seen it and is choosing not to reply.
I'd also tell her you miss her and are looking forward to catching up in the New Year. Her answer to that should give you everything you need to know.

Original poster

aquarius0126 · 22/12/2021 17:03

@FlorenceNightshade

Rather than obsess about social media posts that she may or may not see id take a more direct approach. Text or WhatsApp her. Then you'll know for sure if she's seen it and is choosing not to reply. I'd also tell her you miss her and are looking forward to catching up in the New Year. Her answer to that should give you everything you need to know.

Sorry I probably could have been clearer. I WhatsApp her and it often goes unanswered for hours then it's a pretty one sided conversation. She hasn't messaged me first in months (long before the birth of her second baby)

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 22/12/2021 17:13

She’s a really old and close friend so ask her if everything is ok as you haven’t heard much from her lately? There are so many reasons why she’s gone a bit quiet and usually it’s something entirely not related to oneself just that the person has a lot going on, does have a personal issue or possibly is upset with you and you need to clear the air.

One thing though, do you have very different parenting styles or lifestyles? At the young DC stage that can cause friendships to fade out.

FlorenceNightshade · 22/12/2021 17:14

@aquarius0126 well I'm sorry but I think you have your answer. I'd take a step back from this friendship. I'd send a message saying something like I hope we can meet up let me know when is good for you and the leave it at that.
I'd still get in touch around birthdays etc but I'd leave everything else up to her.
Sometimes people fall in and out of our lives, people get busy life happens etc there isn't always a big drama or fallout. I'd concentrate my energy on other friendships that aren't so one sided and not worry about this

Mary46 · 22/12/2021 17:32

Hi op I met a friend in June. Was lovely. But unless I make next arrangement on my side it wont happen. Maybe life so hectic now but..

thatsnotabadger · 22/12/2021 17:38

I once had this and sent a message saying basically you mean a lot to me, I feel like we're not seeing each other as much, if there's something I've done let me know (that reads a bit needy I realise but it was a cherished friendship and we'd been really open with each other in the past) anyway she said that she had been diagnosed with PND and hadn't known how to say it. So there you go. Sometimes it's worth being open and honest. Let her know how much she means to you and ask if all is ok.

GirlOfTudor · 22/12/2021 17:41

Maybe the friendship has faded from her viewpoint, or maybe she's just super busy with juggling 2 kids plus everything else going on in her life.
Don't take it personally ☺️

user1471457751 · 22/12/2021 18:29

Seriously? You're upset because she takes a few hours to respond to your messages? Perhaps try having realistic expectations of friends. Even if she didn't have a baby and a toddler, you are being too demanding

AcrossthePond55 · 22/12/2021 18:55

You know, you just don't know what's going on in someone else's life. She could be phasing you out or she could be really busy. Or it could be that her marriage is in trouble or there are other 'troubles' in her life that for some reason she can't bring herself to share.

If you don't feel comfortable calling her and asking if everything is OK, then, yes, just step back and let her come to you. Or not.

Original poster

aquarius0126 · 22/12/2021 19:00

@user1471457751

Maybe I am, which is why I've came to MN for advice. No need to be nasty

OP posts:

Lunificent · 22/12/2021 19:00

If she is liking other people’s posts regularly and not yours then you have your answer.
I’m a great believer that there’s nothing you can do about a one sided friendship. If she’s letting you go, all you can do is process it, grieve for it and move on.

Original poster

aquarius0126 · 22/12/2021 19:01

@AcrossthePond55

If you don't feel comfortable calling her and asking if everything is OK, then, yes, just step back and let her come to you. Or not.

True, thank you for your advice. I will take a step back for now and check in with her after NY.

OP posts:

IKnowAPlace · 22/12/2021 19:11

You could be overthinking. If she's still in contact, I wouldn't worry. Sometimes you need a good long catch up to feel like everything is normal. I have one very close friend who can become weirdly obsessed with certain people from time to time. I used to feel a bit left out but as long as we have the long lunches etc. we set the world to rights.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 22/12/2021 19:18

Something like this is happening to me, it is really upsetting when it happens. I would ask her if everything is ok, and if you have upset her in any way. It is probably that she is caught up in what she needs to do day to day and out of the habit of being in touch. I hope it works out for you.

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