AIBU to help you share the mental load?

[TriggerList]

This is my top tip, it probably takes about a year to start really helping but you know, start in January!

Set up weekly family meetings, say Saturday lunchtimes. Get everyone around a just whip through the amazing trigger list. Keep a shared note of any decisions taken. You can stick the note on the fridge and people can add items too.

I think I got the original list from Mumsnet (of course). Any obvious ones I have missed?

Obs everyone whinges as they really want you to do it all but after a while they do start to think for themselves. DHs and children.

Trigger list

Does anyone need to go to the doctors?
Does anyone need to go to the dentist?
Does anyone need any medicine?
Does anyone need a haircut?
Does anyone need a lift anywhere?
Does anyone need to a birthday present?
Does anyone need something special for school?
Does anyone need to work on homework?
Does anyone need money on their account at school?
Does anyone need school uniform?
Does anyone need jumper / coat / sports equipment?
Does anyone need phone credit?
Is new season stuff / equipment required?
Any important plans, birthdays or dinners?
Is the pet OK?
Does any equipment need replacing?
House stuff:
Bills: council tax, mortgage, electric, gas, insurance
Homework check
Special supermarket requests
Are subs for each activity due?
Is there a playdate / school trip?
Is afterschool club paid for?

Anyone have anything they want or want to bring up?

Caring duties for other relatives perhaps.

Does anyone need new shoes?

I'm all for sharing mental load, but that seems crazy to me.

Dentists are every 6 months, either booked at the time of previous appointment, or the dentist sends a reminder.

Ditto quite a lot of other things, surely?

Certainly get out the family calendar and run through the week, but asking all those questions weekly, we'd just get into automatic 'No' without thinking.

We put things on the calendar each year - e.g. Early Sept - Car MOT due end Sept, etc. Don't need to check it every week.

wot?! Sounds even more work!

How many people live in this house???

I don't understand how that will help with "mental load"

That would just add to my mental load, the sheer logistics of getting everyone together for a family meeting every week sends shivers down my spine. I'd dread those meetings, the whole family would.

I know you mean well, and great if it works for you.
But that would drive me up the wall!
I chair enough meetings at work without running bloody action lists at home too 🤣

I like to deal with things as and when they come up, not end up with a huge list of things to run through. I also think it’s good practice for people to get used to just dealing with stuff quickly. To me, mental load is having stuff on your mind - so I prefer to action it when I think of it, then it isn’t on my mind. So school uniform for example - if I notice all the shirts are a bit grey, or my child says her skirt’s getting tight - it’s minutes on a phone to just order them.

Obviously this works for you, but the one change above all I’d suggest that you consider is a shared calendar. No asking who has an appointment- it’s all there!

What exactly is the weekly Council Tax discussion? I get that maybe once a year you might want a chat about the mortgage: do we change, shall we make over payments… but in 35 years of paying Council Tax and its previous forms, I have NEVER had to have a conversation about it 😀

Do you not speak to each other between Saturdays?

That sounds like extra work for things thT dont need ti be thought about weekly. Why would I ask once a week if people need the dr??

Don’t your family members suffer the consequences of their own actions and inactions

Admittedly I did it when the DCs were little. But when it became appropriate they take on more and more responsibility for themselves.

Isn’t that the point of parenting? Teaching them to look after themselves, send them out into the world as independent and responsible adults?

To me, mental load is having stuff on your mind - so I prefer to action it when I think of it, then it isn’t on my mind. So school uniform for example - if I notice all the shirts are a bit grey, or my child says her skirt’s getting tight - it’s minutes on a phone to just order them

But the point is, which parent is it who notices that shirts are grey and skirts are tight and takes action to rectify the issue?

OP, if you haven't seen it already, you might be interested in the Fair Play cards

Oh, and special supermarket requests…
Do you happen to use Alexa?
In my household, we just shout out and add it to the list as and when we think of it. We’re all phone addicts, so can add when we’re away from hold too.
It’s brilliant.
Whoever shops just opens the list in the shop. No more, “oh I’d wish I’d known you were popping into Tesco on way home!” - I’ve seen items appears literally as I’m walking round 🤣

My preference is to think about how can I stop needing a list for this. That’s what reduces mental load - people having clear ownership of tasks, and feeling responsible for them. I don’t, for example, give a hoot about when my husband’s MOT is due - that’s his business. Ditto mine. If my children need homework help, they ask.

Status on new shoes/haircut/ dentists don't generally change from one week to the next. I'm sure a weekly check in of sorts would help but I'd definitely not use that list

Still the mum doing all the thinking and organising though isn't it.

@DurhamDurham

That would just add to my mental load, the sheer logistics of getting everyone together for a family meeting every week sends shivers down my spine. I'd dread those meetings, the whole family would.

Yes, nothing like adding another meeting to the weekly calendar, and not even in working hours. Might as well have it on Teams!

Prioritise the important stuff - feeding, health. Muddle through the rest and try NOT to think about tasks or needlessly systemise them.

I've never thought whether or not I need to do the laundry. Either I have clean knickers or not, etc.

@BarbaraofSeville

To me, mental load is having stuff on your mind - so I prefer to action it when I think of it, then it isn’t on my mind. So school uniform for example - if I notice all the shirts are a bit grey, or my child says her skirt’s getting tight - it’s minutes on a phone to just order them

But the point is, which parent is it who notices that shirts are grey and skirts are tight and takes action to rectify the issue?

OP, if you haven't seen it already, you might be interested in the Fair Play cards

Well, I’m divorced. We both have uniform in our houses, and we both - penis owner and vagina owner - manage to order it 🤷🏻‍♀️ So whilst I know what point your making, people’s households don’t have to run like that. Who is going to order it after OP’s meeting? Wifework will abound depending on the attitudes and boundaries of those in the family, with or without a Weekly Meeting.

I'm a single mum but that's actually quite helpful, thanks

oooo this is so interesting !

I guess for background I am extremely disorganised. I have many many coping strategies so I don't end up overwhelmed. This list used to help me mentally check that there wouldn't be a last minute panic. Due to my lack of organisation many many years of my life was spent reading from one panic to the next.

DH def does his share, but these are things that don't seem to cross his brain. A sort of no man's land of tasks.

Once an issue was highlighted then it gets 'captured' on a to do list, then I don't have to think about it again until I can do it.

Actually the trigger list idea if from Dave Allen 'getting things done', not Mumsnet. Deffo recommend a read.