Hand hold please

[Badgerloco]

I just need to say all this, as I am putting on a brave face IRL, but I’m struggling.

DM (79) collapsed Friday and was rushed into local hospital where they quickly diagnosed previous aortic aneurism repaid had burst. They called me and DF in fairly quickly and prepared us for the worst but said they were blue lighting her to another hospital, she may not make the journey or the operation but they sent a doctor in the ambulance with her and she did get through both the journey and the op. (My DF is terminally Ill with cancer and COPD and on oxygen, and in a wheelchair mostly)
She has been heavily sedated since and last night once I got over there to see her was told they were taking her back into surgery with a suspected perforated colon. This was the case and they have had to remove some of it and will go back in on Thursday and have another look. It’s likely she will end up with a stoma bag, but I have been told to keep my expectations in check due to her age. DF is understandably devastated, they have been together 64 years, and I am trying to be positive and brave. DB is a bit further away but supporting with what he can. DH is working 12 hour shifts and DS (14) is being a total trouper about being left to his own devices mostly or supporting me when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I am currently working my notice and start a big fancy new job in Feb which I am now panicking about, and as I am working my notice my current boss shafted me and gave me a crap Xmas bonus this year. Feel like I am going to explode. All the sitting around and waiting for news is driving me insane. Yet I can’t really leave my DF on his own as he is frail and sad and frightened. Have sat here and wrapped all my presents today, but have not bought Xmas meal yet, and the bloody outlaws are coming for the day. Thanks. I feel better just for saying that.

Hand holding - I've been there and the frustration and worry is just off the charts

Will your in-laws be any support/help/comfort? I know in a similar situation I would have wanted mine to come because I loved them and they would have been a massive comfort to me.

If not, can you cancel them??

Hand holding. My NDN had a heart attack and aortic aneurism in October. His DSD told me in huge sobs that he wasn't expected to last the night. Obviously we were devastated as he and his DW are lovely neighbours - he is 83. He made it through the night, and the next one, then the week, then was sent to a nursing home to die. Except he didn't die. He's now home, in a hospital-type bed in their dining room. I walk up the drive to the French windows and wave and shout to him and his DW every day. He's able to shuffle about a bit too and his DW told my DH that he's eating like a lion.

Really hoping for the best for all of you OP - kudos for your DS being so mature and responsible

Sending you all the best wishes and handholds

Thankyou. My dad had the same aortic repair 9 years ago so this is not my first rodeo as it were. But my mum coped better with my dad being ill and I’m worried by the time mum gets better he will have collapsed. My anxiety is through the roof. My in laws are pretty good, FIL is wonderful and MIL a bit bossy but will probably help by making sure Xmas happens for DS and dinner is cooked.

Oh bless you
Wishing good news for you and your mum over the coming days.

OP your poor parents, and you too.

Cancel in laws op.
Is there any friends or family who can be with your ds so you're not worried about him?
Look after yourself.💐

Ok so now can you tell me if I’m doing the right thing? DM still in ICU, after several complications and not out of the woods yet (dr’s words). I am going to DF in the morning, driving an hour to visit DM, spending an hour there, driving an hour back to see DF, coming home eating sleeping, rinse and repeat. I should be working my 6 week notice period, but have told work I simply can not do it at the moment, thinking about telling them I will not be back at all. Desperate to start my shiny new job in mid February. Should I be holding DF together, his anxiety (and cancer and copd) are making it really hard to help him, and he will not entertain getting a carer in (DM was his carer prior to this). He told me today I am doing too much, but who else is going to do it. DB is isolating at home as his DC have covid and it in London, we are south coast. Am I missing something? WWYD? thanks. So tired I am not sure I am making great decisions.

I think you're doing all the right things. It's an unbearable situation but you are being a supportive daughter to both parents.
I would not go back to the old job.
I would get a carer in for your dad and help him understand that that needs to be in place now so you can start your new job in February.
Unfortunately your mother will not be able to be his carer in future whatever the outcome.

Don't forget to make time in the day for a cuppa and a hot meal for yourself. Hoping you get some clarity with your mum's situation soon x

Thanks @Kweenie. He is happy to get carers for when she hopefully comes home, but reluctant for himself. I will push the point with him, thank you replying.

You need to look after yourself first, otherwise you will be no use to anyone. The adage about the oxygen mask on a plane is a cliche, but it’s true.

You can’t force your DF to have a carer (been there, got the t-shirt with late-MIL) but you can put arrangements in place and if he dismisses them well that is on him - he’s a grown man and you are not responsible for everything he does. You’ve probably done it already but cover the basics for him - set up an online grocery delivery account that you have access to; talk to his GP (if they’re not already aware) as they may be able to help out on the carer front.

I’d put old job to one side for now, if need to get your GP to sign you off sick for remainder of notice period. Do new job know your situation?

I’ve held off telling my new job, the past 19 days have gone so fast, and I thought we’d be on more of an even keel by now. I also don’t want to put them off me!! Emotionally I feel so responsible for my DF, I know I shouldn’t. He has been with DM 65 years and is falling apart. Due to covid only I can can visit daily, he is simply not well enough and needs to limit his exposure to covid ridden hospitals.

I have very little advice, although I think that your DB should help out by at least researching carers and he should talk to your father about it. Order some ready meals/cook frozen meals for you and your father (or get someone else in the family to). You will survive the exhaustion, even if you feel like you have nothing left in reserve (I've been there when my husband was on life support/coma when I had a young baby and child). The back and forth to hospital and stress was exhausting, but I got through it and you will get through this too). I'm sorry that you have so much on your plate to deal with at once. X

Thanks @Hugoslavia. I am sorry to hear what you went through. I am sure I will cope, just got to keep on going I guess.

I’d get signed off sick and like Hugoslavia said, get some cook ready meals in to take the strain off.
Can you afford to start the new job a bit later? And suggest starting 2 weeks later?
Look after yourself otherwise you will get ill

I would get a sick note for the old job.
Care really needs to be sorted sooner rather than later, as things take time to organise and it’ll be easier on your mum when she comes home (tell your dad).
Ask DB to be on stand by for when you begin the new job.