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Original poster

To insist dc go to ex's even if they don't want to?

16 replies

coffeerevelsrock · 22/12/2021 09:56

They are 12 & 14 and spend about 2 nights per week there and sometimes a bit more in the holidays. we've been apart for 8 years. There have been various issues over the years with one or other of them saying they don't want to go (from time to time, not always), but as they get older I start to wonder am I doing the right thing in saying that they have to?

Issues vary between each child. Ds1 finds his dad lazy and disorganised. Ds is quite an anxious child who is very switched on and I get the sense that he picks up the slack for his dad a lot when they are there and, despite the fact that I have never spoken of this, he has realised that his dad does nothing and I do and pay for everything. He has spoken of his dad 'not really being a parent' and has expressed frustration at the broken promises about holidays etc his dad has made, as well as describing dad as 'distant'. However, despite all this, he actually has a lot in common with his dad in terms of sport, walking, films and politics and I do believe he enjoys his company, and that of ex's wider family, when not worrying about the other stuff. Tbh, ds1 has always been like a mini adult (since being about 2!) and in that respect is easier to get on with. He will also do stuff he doesn't really want to to keep the peace,

Ds2 has a more troubled relationship with his dad as they seem to have nothing in common. Ex sometimes tries to meet him halfway but often becomes frustrated and irritated. Ds2 has told me dad hates him. He used to like going because he got pretty much unlimited screen time, but now he sees that as ex just not being bothered, helped by the fact he now gets more screen with me as he's older and Covid has messed up those boundaries for me! Ds2 is very stubborn and digs his heels in, refusing to eat stuff he doesn't really like, or go for walks etc. He doesn't interact much with the wider family when they visit and is now saying they hate him too, but I just think ds1 is such a good fit for them and ds2 so different.

I think ds1 feels caught in the middle of this pretty unhealthy dynamic and feels responsible for it. I worry about the impact of this on the brothers' relationship as I feel like ds1 is resentful of ds2 'causing problems' as he sees it, and ds2 feels like ds1 is favoured by ex. They were talking about it the other day and ds1 was giving ds2 advice on how to approach things with their dad and it made me aware of how responsible he feels.

Writing it all down has made me see how serious it is and unfair on them. Maybe the answer is they should spend less time there together? Not sure that ex would agree to that though and he refuses to ever discuss anything with me and cuts me down as interfering or thinking I own the boys.

Has anyone got any experience of older children changing contact patterns? I see posters all the time saying 'when they are older they'll vote with their feet,' but I'm not sure they are old enough for that or that I should stand by and let a big distance grow between them and their dad.

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 22/12/2021 09:59

My dd decided at 12 that she didn’t want to see her dad any more and I accepted her decision. He had let her down on numerous occasions and was just an all round rubbish dad. She resumed contact at around 19 on her terms.

AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 22/12/2021 10:06

I think at 12 and 14, it's up to them really, and I think thats how the legal system would look at it too.
It's their dads responsibility to maintain a relationship and do the work to repair it really, not the dc.

Bear in mind you will probably be put right in the middle of it all, though. Be prepared for that if they do refuse to go.

Sn0tnose · 22/12/2021 10:07

I see posters all the time saying 'when they are older they'll vote with their feet,' but I'm not sure they are old enough for that or that I should stand by and let a big distance grow between them and their dad

I think they’re definitely old enough. And why are you taking responsibility for the lack of relationship between them? There is already a big distance between them. You forcing them to see him isn’t closing that distance. Only their dad can do that, and it doesn’t sound like he’s that bothered.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 22/12/2021 10:08

At 12 and 14 my dc went from more time at df's to nc. He didn't parent them at all and was quite abusive..

Heronwatcher · 22/12/2021 10:21

Sounds like they have an altogether crap time when they’re there. I’d let them decide for themselves at that age. They may also not be telling you the worst of it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/12/2021 10:31

I agree that 12 and 14 is old enough to make their own decisions about it. I’ve got a 13 yo. Funnily enough, she always hated going to her dads for similar reasons - he doesn’t really parent / is very disorganised, but also has moods - but in the last year has finally started to go voluntarily. This is likely due to new presence of step mum / baby brother, but also she doesn’t need much looking after now.

Ds 7 absolutely hates going now and I feel like the worst person on earth forcing him! Exh doesn’t help by bringing him back quite frequently so it seems odd for me to be the one asserting exh’s rights - tbh I sometimes don’t as it’s too much like hard work, especially when ex doesn’t make much effort to make contact happen!

Original poster
coffeerevelsrock · 22/12/2021 10:36

Thank you for the replies. I feel guilty about having made them go now. I just worry that it's typical teen-talk, especially from ds2 (though he's not quite a teen yet) and that it could backfire. I mean, ds2 has occasionally told me he'll go and live with his dad when I've had to tell him off about something and, though the way he talks about his dad does feel different from that, I just worry that it's not and in a few years dc could be asking me why I let their relationship with their dad fall apart.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/12/2021 10:38

This is the awful thing about being a separated parent - as the rp anyway, or maybe it’s just mothers?

You feel guilty for making them going, and guilty for not making them as it’s their relationship with their dad (and in my case now there’s a wider family that Ds needs to feel a part of with the little brother). I’d love to know if rp dads get this guilt!

oftenbaffled · 22/12/2021 10:41

This morning my DD asked not to go to her dad’s tonight

It is bloody inconvenient for me

But my stance is…. Her dad and I divorced. No fault of hers whatsoever

So I said, sure and ex on same page and also said sure .

Original poster
coffeerevelsrock · 22/12/2021 10:44

Yes, GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing (took me a moment to get that ref - love that episode!) it's shit isn't it. Sorry you're experiencing this too. In ex's case, if he does feel guilt he pushes it down and turns it into anger towards me! 'You've turned them against me...you think you own them...' blah blah. Uuurrggh, as ds2 would type.

OP posts:
MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 22/12/2021 10:44

Mine are 14 and 11. My 11yr old stays 2x per week. His dad got him a PS4 and doesn't expect him to come and eat at the table etc, so he's quite happy there. My eldest hasn't stayed overnight for the last year and only sees him occasionally, for short periods. He is emotionally abusive and she had had enough years ago, but he took me to court over it and managed to get Cafcass onside. He has always preferred my son, which I think is why he doesn't push contact with her.

travellingturtle · 22/12/2021 11:23

You sound like you've got a great sense of how both your kids are feeling, and I'd trust yourself on this one.

Could you suggest a trial period of a different contact pattern, designed by them and perhaps slightly different for each child?

So you're not cutting anyone off, they have buy-in and ownership over it, and you agree to re-assess in, say, 3 months' time?

Would your ex be open to that if he knew the boys were included in the decision-making process?

Hankunamatata · 22/12/2021 11:33

Does dad live close enough for shorter visits? So just for evening or half day etc

Iwonder08 · 22/12/2021 11:47

OP, can you talk to their dad at all? Or send an email writing down what you said here? Give him a chance to fix it. It might be not immediately obvious to him how unhappy the boys are. Obviously not for his sake, but for your boys

AndTime · 22/12/2021 11:53

My DD often chooses not to go to her Dads, she has been doing so fir about a year now, she is almost 14. I don't really get involved, she just texts him and lets him know she has other plans.

You have to put in the ground work when kids are young or they shoe you the same amount of interest back as they get a bit older. She finds it boring, he favours her brother, they have no relationship with their stepmum of 11 years.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 22/12/2021 11:59

@coffeerevelsrock

Thank you for the replies. I feel guilty about having made them go now. I just worry that it's typical teen-talk, especially from ds2 (though he's not quite a teen yet) and that it could backfire. I mean, ds2 has occasionally told me he'll go and live with his dad when I've had to tell him off about something and, though the way he talks about his dad does feel different from that, I just worry that it's not and in a few years dc could be asking me why I let their relationship with their dad fall apart.
i think they are old enough and to be clear you have not let their relationship fall apart....he has. i would continue to try to encourage but forcing at this age is pointless to me as they will come to resent you for it. Good luck OP x
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