Feeling like a failure

[wishihadagoodone]

Posting here for traffic.
I've struggled with anxiety as long as I can remember. I have a complex of being in control of situations, so if I feel like I'm "trapped" somewhere, my anxiety spikes, I feel sick, dizzy and get horrendous diarrhoea.
I've been to therapy for this, CBT, I've been heavily medicated, practice mindfulness etc
It's exhausting and debilitating.
I can't enjoy the things you're supposed to enjoy like;
Christmas (afraid of getting sick and spoiling Christmas to the point I end up making myself sick with anxiety)
Holidays (being away from what I know, foods I'm comfortable with, my routine etc makes me anxious)
Weddings/parties (feel under pressure to sit through ceremony and I can't leave)

I have two children now and I've been working so hard at putting on a brave face and muddling through events for their sake.

But obviously COVID has made me a bit of a mess recently. DS3 has had a bit of a cough recently. We both have it and have both tested negative, so it's just a cough.
He's been coughing through the night and DH went into him this morning to find he'd been sick in the night.
Now my rational brain is telling me he's probably turned his stomach by coughing in the night. But because he's a bit off his breakfast this morning, I'm spiralling.
He'll get sick, then I'll get sick and then and then then etcetc

Will this ever get better? Will I always be fighting this? Feel like a fraud and a failure because I have to fake enjoyment at times and events that should be fun and memory making for my children.

OP, I didn't want to read and run. This does sound very debilitating. You say you've tried several different therapies - how long for? Anxiety as deep seated as yours, will take time to improve. My DD went through a very bad patch of anxiety and negative thinking. Anytime we suggested / tried a new therapy or treatment, she was very quick to say ' it won't/doesn't work'.
One thing that did stick with her was the phrase ' they are just thoughts, not facts'
I hope some wiser people come along shortly.
Sending an unMN hug!

I can completely emphasize with getting in a panic when kids are ill. I feel so totally useless!
I did get a piece of advice which helps which was to try and not constantly feel like I have to aim for higher standards or for what other people say I should be achieving. Everyone else is also occasionally putting on a brave face and frantically improvising.
You don't have to go on holiday if you don't enjoy it. You also don't have to go to parties. Lots of people avoid both these activities. I think we are conditioned by people selling things to us to believe that these are essential activities for a normal life- which is a load of rubbish!
I find that talking to mum friends helps - they put things in perspective and help me to laugh at stuff going wrong. getting a decent amount of lsleep and ogoing or a nice walk
on my own also helps.. I hope you find some time to put yourself first .

OP have you considered possible ASD? I just wondered particularly because you said you don't like being away from your routine and food you're comfortable with but also not liking big social occasions and the high anxiety which are common.

Whatever the case maybe it's time to stop fighting it and accept it? The fighting sounds exhausting. Maybe you could accept that Christmas is a stressful time and think about what you can do to make it less stressful - preprepared food, buying things through the year, getting your OH to help out more. It doesn't have to be perfect remember! If you don't enjoy holidays what can you do instead? Perhaps have staycations and do days out from home or find one place you like and feel comfortable with and go there every year. With parties either don't go or say you'll be leaving early because of the children.

I think it's about knowing yourself, knowing your limitations and finding things that work for you. Stop trying to make yourself into a different person and change the things around you as much as you can so that they work for you.

What you're doing (and doing really, really well) is imagining. You get an idea in your head and your imagination runs wild and - in a very short period of time - you forget that you are imagining so your fears appear real.

When you go to the cinema and watch (say) Star Wars your imagination has no problem making all the action and characters absolutely real, even though your logical mind knows it's completely make believe. I does the same think with your fears. Unless you have a time machine even figuring out what will happen tomorrow needs your imagination and it not yet real.

When you realise that everything that has already happened or is happening now is real (although memories are not reliable - but that's another thread!) and everything else is just your imagination you can start to change the narrative.

So, next time you start imagining, write down the story you are making up in your head. Then write down the same story but for every negative change it to a positive. For example;

My son is sick, I am going to get sick, Christmas is going to be ruined.

My son has been sick (past tense) but he will be fine, I am healthy and Christmas is going to be great.

Back up that second theory up with memories of your best Christmas or other amazing family time - really remember the laughter, the noises, the smells, the tastes and the way you felt. Keep rerunning that one until it becomes the stronger story in your head.