To have got upset with DS6’s constant rejection?

[Flockameanie]

I mean I know I am U because he’s 6, but it just wore me down this evening.

DS is 6 and has always, since I returned to FT work when he was about 9mo, preferred DH over me. He would always rather DH baths him, puts him to bed, etc. For a period of about a year when he was about 2 he would have an utter meltdown if I put him to bed. When he was tiny (around 18m) and if DH left the house (eg taking older dc to school) DS would literally cry at the door until he returned. Even now if DS is hurt or upset or scared he will always go to DH, never me.

Tonight it wore me down and I got really upset. I know DS isn’t doing it ‘on purpose’, but it still hurts.

I spend as much time with him as with my other DC, with whom I’m close. But less time with both of them than DH does (I work ft, DH pt in school hours, so he does all the after-school care). The only real difference, over the course of their lives is that I spent more time with DC1 until they were about 2, as I only worked 4 days a week.

What can I do to build a stronger bond with DS, who, frankly, isn’t interested in spending time with me? (We do spend time together, btw! But it’s just that he’d always choose DH over me and it makes me feel like I’ve totally failed as a mother)

You haven't failed. My 6 year old is the same and I'm a stay at home mom so 🤷‍♀️
I think sometimes they just pick a favorite and stick to them. It won't be forever I'm sure.

Thanks. Still - makes me feel like crap.

I keep wondering if it’s because I had a bit of PND when he was a baby… All sorts of maternal guilt going through my mind there.

I understand. I think it's because I don't play with him enough. Even though for years day in day out it was just me and him going places and doing fun stuff.
It does really hurt.

I went through a period of this when my dd was 18 months. I had my ds when she was 15 months and her dad did a lot of the care for her in the evening whilst I was with ds. It got to the point where I couldn't get her to eat properly. I felt sad because she would show her dad preference. We then swapped so dh would take care of ds in the evening and I would feed dd and put her to bed. We got more one on one time and things improved. She is 5 now and we are close but she is a daddy's girl through and through.

My older DC has also had times of preferring one of us over the other @Sceptre86. But with DS is has been sustained and consistent since he was old enough to show a preference. He has never once in his life chosen me over DH when he has been in a situation to. It flipping breaks my heart and I really want to do something about it while he’s still young enough.

My youngest grandson totally ignored me until he was about 5, despite it being me who did most of the care when they came to stay. I never got kisses or cuddles but his Grandad did. He grew out of it and is now a very loving child to me. Perhaps yours will be the same?

Is there anyway you can spend more one on one time. For instance talk about doing something fun together or taking him somewhere on your own. For example watching a film together, sea world, softplay, adventure Park etc. In the meantime your oh could do something with your eldest. I know it's easier said than done at the moment with covid but it's worth a try. Also over Xmas maybe you could try having a lazy day together, so pjs on, get him to make some popcorn with you then snuggle in your room or on the couch (wherever rhe TV is) to watch a film he would like to watch or play his favourite game, couple that with loads of praise and comments about how much you are enjoying his company, how special he is to you etc.