Need help or am I too far gone?

[HelpMeFindMySparkle]

I'm 39 after a trauma 3 years ago I've put on nearly 5 stone.
I look awful I always used to take pride in my appearance I still put on make up but slapped on, my nails are never I have zero skin routine/beauty treatments.
My clothes are drab and oversized I dress for comfort now as I don't feel like I look good anyway.
I used to get some male attention (I was never a supermodel but I got some attention) but now literally invisible, totally invisible and almost asexual if that makes sense -(in the eyes of others)
I want to feel good again, I want admiring glances and people to compliment me I feel like shit and so far from ever looking good again.
I know I need to lose weight but I need full. Overhaul too I look old, drab and boring. That is so far from who I am inside I want feel like I'm interesting on the 'ourside' too I feel mismatched with how I look

Bumping

The first place to start is therapeutic help with the trauma, have you had any support? Because that is the core of this.

I feel somewhat the same.

I believe it starts with valuing yourself (or otherwise) and deciding to invest in your own health and appearance.

I’m planning to start with some healthy habits in January (dry January, cut down on meat, take some decent supplements, get my step count up)

Start small

Thank you for responding yes I've had 2 lots of cbt sadly not effective I'm currently having emdr for my ptsd going OK so far

YANBU to want to lose weight and feel fitter and more attractive, and at 39 you're still young enough to do it.

I lost weight using Slimming World, it worked for me. I would recommend trying to incorporate a bit of exercise into each day if you can - even if it's just a 15 min walk each day, or a few exercises while watching TV. If you don't feel ready to join SW or follow a proper diet plan you could tweak your eating habits bit by bit, so that you eat more of the healthy stuff like fruit and veg, and less high fat/sugary foods.

It will take a while to get the whole 5 stone off, but even just losing a stone will probably make you feel better. Better to lose weight slowly and steadily, rather than crash diets which do work but as soon as you go back to eating "normally" (which might well involve some bad habits) all the weight tends to return - plus some! (Hence the companies selling extreme diet plans have plenty of repeat clients.)

You can do it OP - good luck.

Ok, dealing with the weight is a long haul process - have you ever successfully lost weight before and if so can you do that again?

Get some exercise, even if it's only going for a daily walk (ideally somewhere green) Good for body and soul.
Look at adding yoga or Pilates (lots of online resources, you don't need to go out to do this) and even if daunting, consider C25K

What's your hair like?

Even if you're not finding the energy to do a manicure and maintain varnish, at least use handcream daily and shape your nails.

Get a nice perfume - just as a treat

You can still dress for comfort, but it doesn't have to be drab. Do you have any budget for new stuff? I'd limited, then look for things like scarves in supermarkets or charity shops. Having something new, with colour (especially near your face) can give you more of a lift than you'd expect.

Get enough sleep

And there is a mindfulness practice that might help you, which is to write down every evening a list of 10 good things about that day. Doesn't matter if you struggle to spot them, or how small or tangential they are. It means that you won't be spending all your time and thoughts on the negative. Sounds a bit forced and cheesy? Doesn't matter, it's a growing habit.

CBT has its place but proper psychotherapy would probably be a better fit for you - and I hear emdr is effective so that’s great too.

Be very kind to yourself. Auntie Stella has some fantastic advice too.

Thank you all for you kind responses really good starting points ☺️
My hair is actually my best feature by accident/luck big beach waves are still in my hair is long and easy to manage so if I do get a very rare compliment it's usually about my hair

There is no such thing as too far gone.

Start treating yourself to clothes that flatter and fit now, don't wait to lose weight. Vinted is great as you can buy at a good price then sell on so less my money spent and less guilt about fast fashion!

Also if nails were something you enjoyed then book an appointment now for after Xmas or whenever you can. I remember when I had post natal depression the HV told me to pretend to love my baby and it'll help it happen. I do believe the approach helped (among other things). Try pretending to love yourself whilst you work on healing x

Your hair sounds gorgeous!

You absolutely are NOT too far gone. It's all a vicious circle, isn't it? When you're carrying extra weight that you want to get rid of, you know what you need to do, but it's that initial motivation to get started and stick with a healthy eating/daily exercise routine that's the hardest. The healthy eating is the most important aspect. The exercise (and a 30minute walk is what I'm classing as "daily exercise" here) is good for you mentally as it boosts the "feel good" hormones. I wish you the best of luck in getting to where you want to be. Re weight loss, a weekly group thing works for me, as it means that the weight loss is broken into more manageable chunks as I'm
going from week to week, and a loss of a pound or two, rather than trying to tackle losing a couple of stone on my own.

I think what @2TurtleDovesInARow says is good. I have a horrible history of eating disorders and bad thinking but one of the things that helped me was pretending to be someone who looked after themselves. It gradually got easier as good habits were formed. It gets the brain out of negativity. You’re 39 you have so much of your life ahead of you. It’s worth it to change, to learn how to respect your body and be kind to yourself. It is hard when it doesn’t come naturally but you CAN get there. Xx

Hi, sorry to read this. I had something similar a number of years ago, deliberately made the choice to overeat and the collateral damage of letting myself go. Cue COVID and the realisation I was obese and I worked with people who were seriously ill and weighed far less than me. After a few false starts with slimming groups and diet apps I hit on keto and it was transformative. I used it design my own weight loss all you can eat plan which was restive but effective and I lost 2kg a week. After I had lost 10kg I joined a gymn as I had no stamina, was easily fatuyed and had pretty much constant fatigue. After 6 weeks and a good multi vitamin and resistant exercises and a bit of cardio I woke up one morning and the fatigue had lifted. I was elated. I also got a hair cut off
, then highlighted, then REALLY highlighted, as it was when I was young. I rounded off my 15 months of transformation with a birthday make over at the Chanel counter. I could not believe my eyes ( and neither could anyone who knew me). So yes, it is doable, the damage is not permenant and you can actually feel well again
. Just do it and find what works for you and do it
PS I
I did not join the gym or exercise until I had lost over 2.5 stones as I lacked the energy and motivation to haul all my extra weight around

Hi OP. at 29 I suddenly put on 5 stone due to thyroid issues and have never really lost it. I'm 40 now. I entirely lost myself, didn't see the point of making effort as I felt the foundations were so awful.

Then I bought a coat. A plush vintage style wool coat, glam and a bit statement. After probably a year of looking at it and thinking "its not worth it for someone like me" I got it and I felt so much better. I realised that making the effort actually did make me feel less shit.

Now I'm still fat and not sure if that will ever change-- not for want of trying! But I do put a lot of effort into my appearance in some ways, and actually I find it quite fun now.

You are never too far gone. You just have to find the thing that will make you feel a bit good again. Play up your hair, get a wonderful item of clothing you love etc.

Also I recommend doing some kind of physical exercise that makes you feel good-- I started belly dance which is very suited to curvier women. I can't do it very well but I was doing something lovely and beautiful with my body. That made me not hate my body so much.