Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Splitting time with young son

23 replies

birdyblue66 · 21/12/2021 19:39

I have a question.

I live 45 mins away from ex. Our son will start primary school. My ex has him for day 3 days a week 10am to 7pm.

How do we make this work once our son starts school?

For example, if ex was to pick him up from school on tues, Wednesday and friday, it doesn't make sense to me that he would drive our son back to his house for 45 mins spend a few hours and drive another 45 mins back to mine to drop him off?

It also doesn't make sense that if our son was to stay with ex for 3 overnight then for ex to commute 45 mins to drop him off to school and then pick him up?

I'm just confused as to how to work around this? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

The only way I see around this is ex to have whole weekends with our son but then that doesn't seem fair for all the weekend time to be his?

Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

birdyblue66 · 21/12/2021 19:41

I would also like to add that I wouldn't really be happy for my 5 year old to stay for 3 overnights days in a row.

OP posts:

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 21/12/2021 19:43

How far away are you from the school? What does ex want to do? 45 mins commute to school isn’t ideal, but doable.

I know friends who split exactly 50/50. Monday-Wednesday morning at one house, Wednesday-Friday morning at the other. Friday-Monday every other weekend.

Original poster

birdyblue66 · 21/12/2021 19:57

@hopingforabrighterfuture2021 I'm only 10 mins away

OP posts:

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 21/12/2021 20:00

Is your contact court ordered or have you worked it out amongst yourselves? Would your ex be able to do drop offs and pick ups around his work? Same for you?

It’s a tricky one. Definitely you don’t want him having all the weekends!

Original poster

birdyblue66 · 21/12/2021 20:01

That reminds me. I'm afraid ex will say that he should go to a school in between our homes. But surely since I do majority of the care/primary carer im being reasonable to choose a school that's convenient for me. Especially since ex'a work is flexible/he chooses his hours whereas I do long shift hours so sometimes other members of my family would help drop ds to school. Is this fair?

OP posts:

Original poster

birdyblue66 · 21/12/2021 20:02

@hopingforabrighterfuture2021 it is worked out amongst ourselves. I think it makes it more tricky because ds is still very young.

OP posts:

Original poster

birdyblue66 · 21/12/2021 20:05

I thought suggesting to ex to move closer to us but I doubt he wants to leave the comfort of his mums house despite being 40years old. That's not me shaming him but I know he just won't and would expect me to find a solution

OP posts:

RandomMess · 21/12/2021 20:06

Well you start by having every other weekend Fri after school until Monday 3pm (so in holidays/sick he does the daytime care on the Monday) plus one midweek every week. He could take him out for tea and some other sort of activity.

He has extra in the holidays to add to his contact time.

As most schools are allocated by distance to primary home then you need to apply to schools near you that he will likely get a place in.

DeepaBeesKit · 21/12/2021 20:10

I wouldn't really be happy for my 5 year old to stay for 3 overnights days in a row.

.... with his own dad?

SometimesMaybe · 21/12/2021 20:10

I don’t think 45mins commute to school once or twice a week is unreasonable. I also don’t think a parent having their school aged child overnight 3 nights a week is unreasonable either. Could he not have DC one overnight mid week and the every other weekend Friday-Monday and then split the holidays?

And remember this isn’t about what you are happy with it’s what’s in the best interest of the child. Usually that means having plenty of time with both parents.

cherryonthecakes · 21/12/2021 20:11

Are you even likely to get a school spot that's in between both of you? Round here, schools are oversubscribed so it's pretty much a given which primary you end up with for Reception based on your address.
Definitely don't give up all weekends. They are important so that you get quality time together and can visit your side of the family overnight if necessary.

cherryonthecakes · 21/12/2021 20:12

I wouldn't really be happy for my 5 year old to stay for 3 overnights days in a row.
My kids would prefer this to chopping and changing every day/2 days.

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 21/12/2021 20:13

Assuming you’re going to do state school, the application will need to be done to schools near your house- catchment area etc. Depending on where you live, I imagine it would be quite hard to get your child into a school in between your homes.

Hopefully you can work it out yourselves, as going to court is expensive and not much fun. But I don’t think he’d be unreasonable to want 50/50.

RandomMess · 21/12/2021 20:15

Why does he never have him overnight?

gogohm · 21/12/2021 20:17

I would have thought he would stay one or two nights a week with his dad picking him up from school and dropping him the next morning plus every other weekend. Many parents do 50/50 but it's helpful to live closer

DroopyClematis · 21/12/2021 20:17

Your ex sounds perfectly entitled to have your child 3 days in a row. He's your child's dad. Your ex can't see your child four nights in a row.
The fact that you don't like it is neither here nor there.
This is one of the problems with divorce/separation.

RandomMess · 21/12/2021 20:22

45 minutes travel to primary school one way isn't that abnormal in many places tbh certainly common for private schools

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 21/12/2021 20:24

ALL studies have shown that kids do better when they have one main base and visitation with both parents. 50/50 splits are about the parents, not the child and do not work.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 21/12/2021 20:25

There is a reason it is never granted by courts unless precedence has already been set.

tripletsohgod · 21/12/2021 20:29

@Calvinlookingforhobbes

ALL studies have shown that kids do better when they have one main base and visitation with both parents. 50/50 splits are about the parents, not the child and do not work.

Please could you tell me more about these studies? We've been doing 50/50 for years now and my kids seem to dislike it more and more as time goes on.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 21/12/2021 23:04

Sure. It’s an area of growing research. Going to Google scholar and typing in 50/50 custody will generate a number or research article which draw conclusions from real life examples. A very good one is ‘Children in dual-residence arrangements: a literature review’ by
Rakel Berman & Kristian Daneback and it sums up a lot of the main findings in recent times.

The most interesting thing I read that stuck with me is that even when it’s 50/50 kids will alway report at feeling and being ‘at home’ in one place more than the other and emotionally connect one with home. For me though, I know as an adult, I couldn’t live in two houses and make sense of it all and I certainly don’t think many kids could thrive like that. I don’t say this to offend anyone or cause upset. 💜

tripletsohgod · 03/01/2022 21:14

@Calvinlookingforhobbes

Sure. It’s an area of growing research. Going to Google scholar and typing in 50/50 custody will generate a number or research article which draw conclusions from real life examples. A very good one is ‘Children in dual-residence arrangements: a literature review’ by Rakel Berman & Kristian Daneback and it sums up a lot of the main findings in recent times.

Thank you very much - I'm reading the literature review now

Hankunamatata · 03/01/2022 21:23

45 min commute isnt the worst in the world, give wee one chance to chat with dad and catch up.

Flip