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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex changing plans for 3rd time

21 replies

oaksholly · 21/12/2021 18:51

I've had enough of the back and forth and I need to know I'm doing the right thing In not giving in.
Sorry it's a long one.

Ex told me in November DS will be with me this Christmas until Christmas Day which he normally picks him up after dinner. Every year he's had a girlfriend so always has dinner with her family. No problems. It's my Xmas to have him this year

2 weeks ago he texted and said no he never said I was having him (sent him the SS) but said no he wanted to have DS because his other child will be there and if our child doesn't go then he will have the children separately every year. So I said ok fine but to drop her off in the morning. Cancelled all Xmas eve plans and offered to work late shift since I won't be doing anything. All ok

Then his ex has changed her mind and said their child will be staying with her because it's her Xmas to have child so he texted me saying he would prefer to just have them both next year and for me to have him Xmas eve and he can stay at his Xmas night. Ok so had to change work shift etc. Like I said every year for the past 10 years he's stayed with me for dinner and we have planned for a joint present for him and nephew to give them at dinner.

I texted him saying dinner will be finished about 3 if you want me to drop him off or he can pick him whichever. He's now kicked off big time because I won't let him go to his for dinner. Saying I should of known he would be going to his for dinner. I said he always has dinner with which ever girlfriend he has which is no problem but I'm not a mind reader and I'm not changing my plans again because he can't communicate with me and if I didn't text him today I still wouldn't of been none the wiser what the plans were for Xmas day. If I let him go it would be the 3rd time I'd be changing all the plans not just for DS or me but other family members who we have arranged stuff.

Aibu? Sorry it's long.

OP posts:

Bubblty · 22/12/2021 06:44

No he can't keep changing his mind like that. And the Christmas plans for your child shouldn't be dependent on the other child from another relationship. It's great if the Christmases could get synced so they can spend it with each other but not necessarily. Each child is an individual they don't have to be together each year.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 22/12/2021 06:48

Sounds like you’ve been very flexible which is now leading to him taking the piss. Does he just want to do the whole ‘my ex is stopping me seeing my kid at Christmas’ thing?

RedWingBoots · 22/12/2021 07:01

What the fuck is wrong with him?

underneaththeash · 22/12/2021 08:01

Text back a simple - not changing plans again, see you at 3 at my mums.

Ignore further texts.

AperolWhore · 22/12/2021 08:09

Oh my gosh what an ass! Stick to your guns and do not change plans again. Agree plans for next year now and tell him he either gets in line or he can forgo Christmas Eve/day and get Boxing Day going forward. Stay strong mama x

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 22/12/2021 08:22

I think you've been more than flexible already. You can't change your work plans again, just no!

billy1966 · 22/12/2021 08:42

@underneaththeash

Text back a simple - not changing plans again, see you at 3 at my mums.

Ignore further texts.

This.

Stop being so flexible, you are too nice.

He sounds like an idiot.

Heronwatcher · 22/12/2021 08:51

You are far too nice, plus it sounds like he doesn’t give a crap about what your DS wants or your plans, just whether he can be seen to be playing happy families. Even splitting the day sounds a bit rubbish for him if you ask me- how old is he? What does he want to do? Does he even like the other child? Why does what the girlfriend and other child are doing have any bearing on this? I’d agree with one text explaining that you have already changed your plans 3 times at great personal inconvenience abc will not be changing them again. And I would also say that next year all Christmas contact has to be agreed in writing by 1 November otherwise he can have him for Boxing Day, to avoid this happening again.

Xmasgetaway · 22/12/2021 08:55

This thread should be read by everyone wanting to start a family with someone who already has children with other people………

Cocomarine · 22/12/2021 09:28

@Xmasgetaway

This thread should be read by everyone wanting to start a family with someone who already has children with other people………

You realise that the vast majority of people who do that are not themselves arseholes, and are not surrounded by arseholes? My XH had a child after we split, we make plans, we have some flexibility, and he doesn’t take the piss. So how about we blame the man who is being an arsehole here?

Bubblty · 22/12/2021 09:33

@Xmasgetaway

This thread should be read by everyone wanting to start a family with someone who already has children with other people………

Bit rude

Original poster

oaksholly · 22/12/2021 13:52

@Xmasgetaway

This thread should be read by everyone wanting to start a family with someone who already has children with other people………

I was the first to have a child with him. And your comment is unnecessary

OP posts:

Original poster

oaksholly · 22/12/2021 13:54

@Heronwatcher

He hasn't got a girlfriend this year hence why he now all of a sudden wants to have him for xmas dinner but all the other years before he's had a girfriend and always has dinner with her family. His other child is with another woman completely. I think it's literally just for Facebook purposes and he can post on there how much of a great dad he is to his 2 kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

oaksholly · 22/12/2021 13:57

Thanks everyone I knew I was in the right to not change my plans again.

Just to clarify he's hasn't got a girlfriend this year which is why he's now wanting him for the first time in 10 years for Xmas dinner. If he did have a girlfriend then he would be having it with her. I honestly can't keep up with the people he sees and not interested. I suppose he thinks I'm a mind reminder and should know all this. I won't be changing the plans and have sent him a a final text to say this.

But he's constantly leaving the days he has him to tell me last minute and never tells me times of pick up or drop off I constantly have to ask him. So I don't know why I'm shocked I thought this would be any different.

OP posts:

Mummapenguin20 · 22/12/2021 14:02

Stick to your plans. I have a ss who when vists just slips into our plans. And we would never dream of messing his mam about like that x

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2021 14:03

I think YANBU and going forward, you should refuse last minute changes as he’s just being a selfish wanker and you shouldn’t change your plans to suit him. Sounds like you’ve been far too nice previously.

NorthSouthcatlady · 22/12/2021 14:04

Another vote to not change your plans. You have been flexible enough. Plus it most likely will encourage him to push for more and do something similar next year. How old is he? 12?!

itsgettingwierd · 22/12/2021 14:05

Stick with the plans you have now.

And going forward consider getting a court access agreement written up so he cannot keep messing his ds around.

FreedomFaith · 22/12/2021 14:14

Don't change your plans again.

Simple text saying 'we have changed plans 3 times now, it's not my fault you are thick. See you at 3'

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 22/12/2021 14:39

My ex is like this. Has a stream of gf's which means he was constantly changing his plans with dd. After a few years of this I lost my rag.

Told him he could have her eow, picked her up from school on a Friday and dropped her off home on a Sunday after 5pm. We have every other year for Xmas and that's that. No more 'oh I'll collect her from your house on Friday, oh no I meant Saturday, can I just swap a weekend' just no. If I get a call from school as he hasn't collected her i used to pick her up, then the next time he got to see her was his next weekend. I'd take her out so we weren't available to him. Now school know to ring him. This has stopped him being flakey.

girlmom21 · 22/12/2021 14:43

@FreedomFaith

Don't change your plans again.

Simple text saying 'we have changed plans 3 times now, it's not my fault you are thick. See you at 3'

Ha this is my favourite response

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