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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to tell my 6 year old the truth about santa?

49 replies

GreenAndPinkThemeTree · 21/12/2021 18:32

I won’t because she has cousins who’re the same age and a bit younger who believe and she can’t keep a secret but I so want to.

She loves most parts of Christmas, she loves choosing presents for her cousins and other family members – she is surprisingly good at choosing presents. She loves the pretty lights and decorations. She likes counting down and watching more and more presents pile up under the tree.

But she hates Santa, always has. She’s scared of him, gets very anxious in the week before Christmas saying he won’t come etc. and she’s a nightmare behaviour wise worse than any other time. In my house we do 1 present and the stocking from Santa as she’s always been a nightmare with him, the other presents are from me or family – but ExH and his family also do Santa so she gets two “visits”. She is absolutely fine Christmas morning when she sees he’s been, but the build up is horrible for me (and of course her dad only sees her 1 night EOW so it is me who deals with it all).

She has some SN (suspected dyslexia and dyspraxia but does have a communication disorder and hypermobility) so that probably adds to it. When you mention santa she starts getting anxious, will hide. We don’t have any photos of her with Santa at all as she usually refuses to even see him. School don’t even attempt to get her in the hall with her class now and instead have her doing another activity in another room as the first two years (Nursery and Reception) she was at the school she ran off out of the hall when Santa came in –she was found in the toilets--

AIBU I know but it’s such a hard time. She gets very anxious and when she gets anxious she can become violent. I get bitten or hit. She is never violent with anyone else, but me which I am relieved about.

Just a rant really. I won’t tell her the truth about Santa as she’ll just go and tell her cousins and classmates and spoil it for them but I always dread the run up to Christmas.

OP posts:

Odile13 · 21/12/2021 19:05

I don’t ever remember believing in Santa as a child. I knew the presents came from mum and dad. We didn’t leave anything out for Santa or anything like that. And Christmas was still the most exciting and wonderful time of the year! I would just tell her by following some of the excellent advice others have already given. Good luck OP!

Original poster

GreenAndPinkThemeTree · 21/12/2021 19:05

I can't tell her the truth, she really can't keep a secret, trust me she can't.

I will definitely say about him not coming in the house and see if that helps.

OP posts:

PilesEdgeworth · 21/12/2021 19:10

I can't tell her the truth, she really can't keep a secret, trust me she can't.
I don’t think that’s a big deal though. I can’t remember an age where there weren’t at least some non-believing kids.

Other parents can just say you only told her Santa wasn’t real because your daughter was scared of him.

AnxiousWeirdo · 21/12/2021 19:10

DD(7) hates the idea of Santa / tooth fairy etc etc in the house, they leave gifts / coins outside 😁 they're very considerate!

A family member bought her an elf on the shelf one year, DD damn near left home 😂

orinocosfavoritecake · 21/12/2021 19:11

But so what? The worst outcome is that she tells her cousins and they find out a year or two before they would anyway. It’s not that big a deal - much less significant than her being so upset.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 21/12/2021 19:31

You need to tell her the truth as it really isn’t worth causing a child that much upset over a lie. I would pick a time to tell her when she isn’t seeing any other children for a few days and hope that it’s gone out of her mind by the time she sees the
but honestly, if she does tell another child she’s only telling them the truth so it isn’t a big deal. She’s going to find out sooner or later anyway and there’s no guarantee she’ll be any better at keeping a secret when she does find out so I would say it’s worth a risk that another child finds out sooner than they would have to unburden her of this also terror which is being caused by something that’s not even real.

Honestly it is unethical to keep up the pretence/ lie that Santa exists when it is so distressing to her, if another child was happy believing in vampires/ monsters/ ghosts and they were terrifying your DD would you insist on telling her they were real and leaving her scared and frightened just to save the other child’s feelings?

You need to put your daughter first and tell her the truth, if you keep up the lie and cause her this much fear and anxiety don’t you think she will resent you in the future for not telling her the truth sooner and choosing to leave her scared and terrified every December?

Apricotblue · 21/12/2021 19:42

Tell her the truth, don’t put other children before making your own child feel safe and secure.

MrsWhites · 21/12/2021 19:43

In this situation I would say that you’ve agreed with Santa that you will buy her stocking presents as well as the presents off you so he doesn’t need to come to your house.

That way she still believes there is a Santa but she has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

BoredZelda · 21/12/2021 22:26

My daughter was scared of Santa, so he left the presents outside.

Blueeilidh · 21/12/2021 23:14

If Santa is also coming to ex house can you not just have that as the Santa visit and keep your house a Santa free zone and keep all mention of Santa to a minimum. Obviously she will still encounter Santa and talk of him elsewhere but that won't actually change if she knows the truth.

LittleRoundRobin · 21/12/2021 23:18

ItsDinah · 21/12/2021 23:32

Actually, Santa is a very old man now and delegates most of his work and deliveries to elves, fairies and Mums. Are they scary? If DD would prefer, Mum can just see to everything.

Lolingokay · 21/12/2021 23:33

Why on earth would you NOT tell her, I think you should be considerate of your own DD and tell her Santa is not real. She's scared of Santa, runs away when 'Santa' comes to visit etc. If she was scared of zombies or vampires and ran away when someone dresses up as one in a fancy dress party or movie or something, wouldn't you tell her they're not real? So why keep your DD living in fear and anxiety over Santa who doesn't even exist (and when you think of it, the idea of a strange man knowing where you live and squeezing himself through your chimney in the middle of the night is very creepy).

MelroseGrainger · 21/12/2021 23:40

I agree that it’s almost cruel to keep up the pretence when it causes her so much distress and anxiety. Why do it? So what if she tells other children that he isn’t real: it is then their parents’ choice to brush it away however they want to. But your responsibility is to your daughter. To make her feel happy and secure and safe. Bloody Santa is not worth her being miserable! Please get some perspective and end this for her now.

DrCoconut · 21/12/2021 23:58

My 6 year old knows santa isn't real. He and his friend at school worked it out as (obviously) so much of it doesn't make sense. So, there are other kids that age who don't believe in it anymore and I personally don't think it is bad to tell her, especially in the circumstances.

DoncasterHombre · 22/12/2021 00:21

@gingeristhenewblack43

"Tbf a strange man in your house in the middle of the night is alarming!"

It's worse than that though, isn't it.

A strange, bearded man who lives with eleves sneaking into your house while you're asleep on the exact same night every year. He gets there by flying around on sleigh pulled by magical reindeer who can fly and -apparently - he spies on you throughout the year to make sure you're behaving. Better less said about the fact he has a glass of sherry at every house he visits and then empties his sack under the tree in your living room.

Don't know why anyone would want him in their house, let alone a small child.

Original poster

GreenAndPinkThemeTree · 22/12/2021 07:22

Her elf left her a note this morning with a tick box asking her where she wanted the presents from Santa to be left.

Options;
Porch
Garden Shed
Under the Tree

She chose the porch but said Santa will need to text mummy to tell her the presents are there. So that's whats happening according to her and she seems a lot happier

OP posts:

Heartofglass12345 · 22/12/2021 11:59

Sounds great to me I hope it helps it's not worth keeping up with it if it's going to upset her

SnowdaySewday · 22/12/2021 12:47

Best solution.

However, she might want to see the message so make sure Santa sends one that magically self-deletes after it's been read.

Original poster

GreenAndPinkThemeTree · 22/12/2021 12:55

@SnowdaySewday

Best solution.

However, she might want to see the message so make sure Santa sends one that magically self-deletes after it's been read.

@SnowdaySewday I have a phone I use for work and they won't mind me texting myself on it, can even put my own number in my personal phone as Santa

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/12/2021 12:57

In these circumstances I'd just tell her and say not to tell her cousins.

Metabigot · 22/12/2021 12:59

Leave clues. Lots of little clues.

ApplePippa · 22/12/2021 13:14

Glad you've found a solution OP

My autistic DS was similar when he was little. Hated the very idea of Santa and would get very upset at nursery/school Santa visits. I remember him pointing at a picture of Santa and shouting "Don't like him!".

We did tell him the truth, because he needed it. We explained that it was just a game, and that lots of children believe Santa is real when they are little. I'm afraid I didn't worry about him telling other children. I figured that that was for their parents to manage, and my job was to reassure my very anxious child and help him feel safe. As far as I know he never said anything to anyone.

Legoisthebest · 22/12/2021 13:29

Tell her the real background story. Father Christmas aka Santa Claus is based on the real person called St Nicholas who was the Patron Saint of children and would deliver gifts. Of course he lived 100s of years ago so isn't real anymore so we have to pretend and parents do the job of delivering presents now. If you see Father Christmas in a grotto or at a fair it's just an actor pretending.
Maybe get a copy of the book Father Christmas by Raymond Briggs which is a funny way at looking at the story.

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