Separated families over Christmas

[awkwardperson]

Not quite sure how to articulate this one.

We are all grown up and have own children and family but parents divorced 15 years ago.

We alternate Christmas with my side and DH side and always host both sides. DH parents still together so nice and easy they come as well as DSIL and her family.

My side. Tends to be siblings and their family's as well as my DM and her new husband.

My poor father is then left on his own. He is not a Christmas person. He is not a going out for meal person. I don't even think her would come here to eat even if we invited him. (If DM wasn't coming.)

So, as the mediator, host, ever the diplomat, why so I feel a sense of guilt for my father? I wish I could shake off this sense of personal responsibility for everyone. It's too much to shoulder at times.

I would invite him too, if he doesn't want to come that's fine but not on your conscience. I go to things where my Dp's ex and her dp are there, my exh has been to ours too

Not possible to invite with DM and new husband. Not possible to mix them two worlds.

Well I am surprised you and your siblings don’t put your heads together and come up with something instead of leaving him out! I don’t think you (and others) seem overly troubled by too much responsibility if this is what normally happens.

He might just say he is not a Christmas person because he doesn’t want you to feel sorry for him.

Agree we probably should divide and make it possible for DF to have an option. Siblings are not currently in a position to host but I guess

Could you invite him when DPs family are invited? We do this and it works well. My DF just retreats to reading a book or watching a show if he isn’t feeling socialable. DHs family are all pre-warned that he is an introvert and politely leave him to his own devices unless he seems in a chatty mood.

@guardiansofthegalaxychocs

Could you invite him when DPs family are invited? We do this and it works well. My DF just retreats to reading a book or watching a show if he isn’t feeling socialable. DHs family are all pre-warned that he is an introvert and politely leave him to his own devices unless he seems in a chatty mood.

Not a bad idea. Thanks.

He’s not a Christmas or meal out person and you don’t think he’d come even if invited. Sounds like nothing to feel guilty about, though if it were me I’d want to talk to him and check he is happy by himself and doesn’t want to come (presumably you could have a three year cycle for example or a sibling could host him). Not everyone buys into the big family Christmas thing though. And unless he’s very frail or elderly presumably he could offer to host or visit a friend or whatever if he was lonely - he’s an adult responsible for himself not a child you have to make a magical Christmas for.

He’s not a Christmas or meal out person and you don’t think he’d come even if invited. Sounds like nothing to feel guilty about,

I think this is what I would say to a friend if I knew they were in the same position. It's sometimes a little harder to practice what you'd preach.

Arrr I’ve spent my life in guilt over separated parents and Christmas. The agreement was that we’d alternate, me going to my dads one year, mums the next. When it was my mums turn she’d take me off for the week without a second thought. When it was his she’d call demanding that I walk several miles to eat dessert on a pavement with her in ‘neutral territory’ and calling me perverse for not wanting to spend the day together ‘as a family’. I moved and now spend every Christmas with friends

Different to your situation but I get the guilt

In your situation I’d invite your father over for a day in the holidays when no one else, make your own tradition

Thanks for resonating with me.

In your situation I’d invite your father over for a day in the holidays when no one else, make your own tradition*

I really like this idea. And can try this next week.