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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Uncomfortable with male friend

27 replies

Museumland · 21/12/2021 11:25

I have a friend who I met at the gym, he's a nice kind man. We have become friends , we don't do much apart from our sports together but he does quite often want to meet for lunch. The trouble is that I think he is quite lonely and if I meet him he always wants to come to my flat and will leave his bag to collect afterwards even if I suggest he brings it. He lives a few miles away and it takes him an hour to get to my place as he prefers not to drive. This then makes me feel guilty about ending things in an hour and frankly it's quite hard to see him on his way as he won't have anything else to do so won't ever leave without me having to make up a meeting or such like. I am now finding his friendship quite suffocating; he describes me to others as his best friend, if I see him he always wants a hug which seems to linger too long, there's other things he does which are a tad creepy. If I mention anything in passing such as a theatre play or another friend does, then he suggests we should go- I actually filter some things I do in my social life as he is always suggesting things we do together and if he hears I am doing them with other friends he honestly looks put out. He doesn't have many friends at all and is retired and has been separated from his wife for a few years. Recently, he came to my place and clearly had a bad cold ; I was internally so annoyed because I felt that in a more balanced friendship he would have said "sorry I have a cold" but I think he was determined to meet me - I ended up catching it and was ill in bed for days and did constant Covid tests (all negative). He also frequently seems to make up small things which I think he sounds impressive such as his running speed on the treadmill; which strangely seems to be significantly better than anyone has ever witnessed... anyway. I think I am beginning to compound a lot of things together which are now making me find him so irritating that I literally cannot bare to see him; which is a pity because he's a decent, kind person but I find his behaviour just suffocating.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2021 11:29

You need to distance yourself. Yes, it may mean he'll end up getting hurt but he'll get over it and it'll be worth it in the end.

You also need to stop being a pushover. When I read The trouble is that I think he is quite lonely and if I meet him he always wants to come to my flat and will leave his bag to collect afterwards even if I suggest he brings it My first thought was 'Errr well stop suggesting then. Just give him his bag and make him take it'.

Then I read on and the bag thing was the least of the examples of you letting yourself be walked over.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 21/12/2021 11:31

You need to distance yourself from this man. His loneliness is not your problem. I can count at least 10 red flags here.

If you become less available, he will get the hint and maybe try to make new friends too.

You do not need to take on the emotional labour of this - remember, no is a complete sentence.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/12/2021 11:33

Don't ignore your instincts just to be polite to someone and don't waste your precious time with someone you don't want to spend time with.

BlackberrySky · 21/12/2021 11:34

Do you think he is hoping it will develop into a relationship? His behaviour makes it seem that way. Does he have a regular schedule at the gym, meaning you could avoid going then? And definitely be busy afterwards so you can't do something together at the end of your session.

Orgasmagorical · 21/12/2021 11:35

he's a decent, kind person

Is he? You sound like you alter your behaviour to avoid some of his behaviour. He actually sounds quite manipulative.

He seems to bring more negativity to your life than positivity. I agree you need to distance yourself for your own wellbeing.

Corbally · 21/12/2021 11:38

Stop letting his 'loneliness' be an excuse for pushing you into far more contact with someone you don't appear to even like! He may be 'nice' and 'kind' but he sounds dull as ditchwater and like he has zero respect for your boundaries. I'd keep it to a quick coffee after a gym session, if you still want to see him occasionally, and definitely stop inviting him to your house for lunch! And you seriously need to work on your own boundaries -- so what if he thinks you're his 'best friend' and has nothing else going on in his life? You still get to tell him you don't want someone infectious in your house in the middle of a pandemic!

MasterBeth · 21/12/2021 11:39

He’s not being a nice, kind man when he imposes on your hospitality and politeness, hugs you in a way you find uncomfortable, or does other unnamed “creepy” things.

You have no obligations to this man. His loneliness is not your problem. You can choose exactly how much time you want to spend with him, including no time at all.

Corbally · 21/12/2021 11:39

Also, would you let a female acquaintance you didn't much like intrude on your life to this extent?

Ubiquery · 21/12/2021 11:42

Surely this is for you to manage? You just need some boundaries. If you don’t want someone to leave their bag, tell them to take it with them

Ubiquery · 21/12/2021 11:43

We don’t even know if he is lonely, it’s the OP’s guess.

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 21/12/2021 11:53

I agree with pps. Where are your boundaries? Why are you inviting someone that makes you feel uncomfortable into your home? Why do you assume he's a kind person? He sounds clingy and far too thick skinned to me.

pasturesgreen · 21/12/2021 11:54

He's a random you met at the gym and he's imposing on your good nature: you don't owe him anything and it's certainly not up to you to provide this man companionship if you don't want to. I'd go to the gym at a different time for a start, and generally be way less available. No more cosy meetings for lunch or coming back to your flat for hours. Start being quite busy, he'll get the hint and move on to the next poor sod.

Thebathneedscleaned · 21/12/2021 11:59

He's wanting more from this relationship.

Tell him you're not going to have sex with him and he will go away soon enough.

DaisyNGO · 21/12/2021 12:02

@MasterBeth

He’s not being a nice, kind man when he imposes on your hospitality and politeness, hugs you in a way you find uncomfortable, or does other unnamed “creepy” things.

You have no obligations to this man. His loneliness is not your problem. You can choose exactly how much time you want to spend with him, including no time at all.

This How did this start? It's crazy.

TooWicked · 21/12/2021 12:03

He’s a manipulative creep who is knowingly pushing and ignoring your boundaries.

Start saying no.

Lunariagal · 21/12/2021 12:10

Speaking as someone who has improved their boundaries, and reaped the benefits, could I gently suggest that you do likewise. X

icelolly12 · 21/12/2021 12:15

If you struggle being assertive, use Covid as an excuse for not wanting to go out to lunch, have people in your house etc. Change up your gym routine to avoid him or just stick to polite chit chat only. He's almost certainly after more than friendship.

kweeble · 21/12/2021 12:18

He’s a creep - stop seeing him for lunch and tell him you don’t want to be friends.

Deadringer · 21/12/2021 12:26

If you like him and want to spend time with him go to a cafe for coffee, lunch whatever but make sure you 'have plans' after so he can't go to your home. Never have him in your home again, and try to back away slowly so that you are spending less and less time with him. He won't like it but it will get easier as time goes on.

DeepaBeesKit · 21/12/2021 12:39

It just sounds like he wants a relationship to develop.

If that isnt what you want, make it clear to him and then stick to some consistent boundaries for what you do want.

billy1966 · 21/12/2021 13:47

All of the above, he sounds like a pushy PITA.

Him giving you his cold, causing you to be ill would have finished most people.

That was a very selfish unforgivable thing to do, even more so during these times.

Get rid.

Original poster

Museumland · 21/12/2021 13:55

Thanks very much everyone. I am being a bit/lot of a push over. He tends to suggest meeting at the house and then going on somewhere else. I was quite happy when we had social distancing ! I actually didn't see it as manipulate it's interesting so many of you have used that word and I think there's truth in that. Am very grateful for your comments

OP posts:

Crazykatie · 21/12/2021 18:27

@Thebathneedscleaned

He's wanting more from this relationship.

Tell him you're not going to have sex with him and he will go away soon enough.

Don’t say that he will see it as a challenge.

Just say no he can’t come back

NotMineToTell · 21/12/2021 18:53

This man is not your friend. His behaviour is full of red flags.
Friendships are mutually beneficial relationships with people you like, I can't see a single benefit you're getting out of spending time with this man, on the contrary he's making you feel uncomfortable.

At best he's lonely and feels entitled to your attention and company, but you are under no obligation to provide him with what he wants.

At worst he's a predator, repeatedly pushing your boundaries to see how much he can get away with. I wouldn't be alone with him again if I were you.

SommerTen · 21/12/2021 19:21

Seriously would you have allowed a much younger man you don't find attractive to get so close to you??
This man may be older & retired but he obviously fancies you by his behaviour.

As you clearly don't fancy him then definitely discourage his friendship.

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