Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Compulsive liar....call out or ignore?

59 replies

Redlorryyellowduck · 21/12/2021 10:48

Nc as she knows I'm on here.
A female relative is the most horrific liar I have ever met.
She lies about anything and everything, from small things to big things. Some of these lies are of no consequence (apart from being stupid and weird) but some are more significant.
Luckily I only have to see her a few times a year, but I'm torn between smiling and nodding, and pulling her up on every single lie. Mostly because I'm annoyed that thinks we are all stupid enough to believe her Walter Mitty version of life.
How do those of you unfortunate enough to have a Tom Pepp in your life cope with it?

OP posts:
NdujaWannaDance · 21/12/2021 12:58

I'd have to challenge her on the lies, but I think I'd do it in a faux innocent passive aggressive way to avoid a massive fallout, which I assume as she's family would impact negatively on other people.

I'd say 'Really? Gosh, that's odd. Didn't you say last time that blah blah blah? I must have misunderstood because both those thing can't be true. I'm confused!'

That sort of thing. And watch her try to worm her way out of a hole.

Original poster
Redlorryyellowduck · 21/12/2021 13:29

@NdujaWannaDance I've definitely done that a few times. "Wow, so you had offers from Oxford and Cambridge but turned them down, amazing!" "So you were a fully qualified engineer by the age of 19, I didn't think that was even possible, wow" "So you grew up overseas, despite your parents saying you didn't, crikey, amazing".
She gives zero fucks Hmm

OP posts:
FrippEnos · 21/12/2021 13:45

Redlorryyellowduck

IMO, these people actually believe the lies that they tell.
I think that they have to because if they took a look at the person they actually are they would be disgusted.

Snowmanuel · 21/12/2021 13:49

She doesn’t sound well. At all.

NameChangeCity123 · 21/12/2021 13:52

I would just keep picking holes in what they are saying. They will likely get fed up trying to think of things to make it believable and it lets them know that you're aware they're taking rubbish. Why do people do this? 🙄

user463876887 · 21/12/2021 13:57

Wow I know someone very close to me and who I have to see quite a lot who is exactly like this. Will make up absolutely fictitious stories or heavily embellish or distort others to make them more dramatic and will tell absolute fibs about things that are so irrelevant it makes ME go nuts. I mean why lie for absolutely no reason. Then looked up definition of compulsive liar and yep she fits the bill and they do exactly this. Lie even when there is no need to. She does it so much that we just have to automatically assume she's lying every time she opens her mouth. How do you tell fact from fiction. She's extremely insecure so I wonder if this fantasy world she's built in her head is a way to handle that.

itsgettingwierd · 21/12/2021 13:58

I know people like this.

I tend to ignore and just allow them more rope.

If you try and hang them they'll twist it as you being unkind and why do you need to challenge etc.

Eventually she'll hang herself because she'd have to,d so many lies she will have forgotten what they are!

Thefantasticfour · 21/12/2021 13:58

My SIL is like this. She lied about so many trivial things, that then moved onto minor health scares, but because it was minor lies no one pulled her up on it. I was really close to her and knew she was lying and so did numerous members of the family but there was no proof and everyone just took what she said with a punch of salt. It all came to a head with me when she came over to my house and told me she'd found out she was pregnant. She said she couldn't tell my BIL because he would make her abort the pregnancy but had me feeling how hard her tummy was and all sorts. She went in depth about the symptoms she was showing and how excited she was. The very same day as this her sister who was on her third round of IVF was in hospital going through the horror of a stillbirth at 27 weeks. I knew she was lying, I knew my BIL would never of even considered an abortion and I just couldn't let it go, she was either going to have to fake a miscarriage to me, or fake a pregnancy and miscarriage to the rest of the family and I just couldn't let her go on with it, especially knowing what her sister was already going through. I told my MIL everything she'd told me and how I was sure she was lying, so she went round to BILs house and sat them both down and confronted her. She had no option to just admit everything, and apparently started counselling etc. I didn't see her or speak to her for a very long time, and then we spoke at a family gathering a couple of years later, where I'm fairly certain she lied about a load of new things about her family and her past. Apparently being called out on lies doesn't stop people like that lying, so now I just keep away from her, and if I do have to see her I just look at her as she speaks and don't really acknowledge what she says if it sounds unlikely.

CounsellorTroi · 21/12/2021 14:02

@Loveisthere

Have a friend like always been to the best restaurants but cannot comment on the menu. Has lots of designer shoes and matching bags but we have never seen them because she doesn't want to show off, there plenty more but I won't bore you. We all play along instead of calling her
Sounds like a girl I used to play with when I was a child. She had all the latest dolls and games, but wasn’t allowed to get them out in front of anyone else. She could do fantastic acrobatic tricks but “wasn’t allowed to”.
Vapeyvapevape · 21/12/2021 14:17

I also work with someone like this , I call them out especially when a few times they’ve thrown me under the bus with their lies. They once repeated a story that I had told them but inserted themselves as if it had happened to them and not me, I called them out in front of everyone and they just said they forgot it was me and not them it had happened to. Everyone looked a bit Confused , I also just stare at them and say reeeeeally when listening to yet another one of their fantasies.

itsgettingwierd · 21/12/2021 15:37

I remember a group of us wanting to call out a sports parent who always lied on SM about their child's achievements - or worse things in a way they seemed something they weren't.

Her kid rarely turned up for morning training yet we'd always see FB statuses "here again with X sport and me in the gym".

One morning we dared each other to reply "don't want to worry you but we are here and we can't see X. We've been to gym to find you as concerned about her whereabouts but can't find you either. Can you let us know you're both ok".

They stopped after this unless she was actually there (rarely!) and always accompanied the status with a selfie of her in the gym 🤣🤣

IsabelHerna · 27/12/2021 10:16

I think that your relative lives a sad sad life... I wouldn't bother calling her out unless she starts comparing you to herself and making you feel sad

BornOnTwelfthNight · 27/12/2021 12:02

I know someone like this, calling them out doesn’t do any good as In my experience it will get one or all three responses,

Deny, Lie or cry, Usually in that order!

They’ll initially deny it, but after being pressed further, tell another lie to cover the first one, but if they’ve been rumbled will cry and play the victim.
But still no admission or acknowledgment that they lied in the first place. So calling them out is pointless!

In my case I went NC as 90% of what they said was usually a lie and I got to the stage where I didn’t know what was actually the truth.
Also those lies were usually completely and utterly pointless but it got to the stage where they were getting nasty with it and deliberately trying to cause trouble within the family.

BornOnTwelfthNight · 27/12/2021 12:21

They once repeated a story that I had told them but inserted themselves as if it had happened to them and not me

Yes this is exactly what she used to do to me, but I drew the line when it was a really an emotive subject. (Pregnancy scare) She literally parroted it straight back to me when I stopped for breath and told me she was pregnant but was getting rid of it (in her words all said with a smirk on her face) she was only 5 weeks In with her new boyfriend!

I was shocked that she would do that, and my response wasn’t what she was expecting (ie sympathy and attention) so she left in tears playing the victim!
I didn’t speak to her that but she kept up the pretence and faked being booked in to the hospital for a termination and was feeding information to someone else knowing it would get back to me!
It was all bull and easily disproved!

When we did start speaking again, she never even acknowledged any of this even took place!

sweetbellyhigh · 27/12/2021 12:25

Calling out doesn't work. Compulsive lying is a complex disorder. I would not be surprised if this person has no insight into what they're doing.

It's actually very sad and probably to do with very low self esteem and insecurity.

But they will not respond positively to shaming, they need lots of support and encouragement to create better habits.

OhGiveUp · 27/12/2021 12:54

A woman who I used to work with was a compulsive liar to the point where, unless it was a work related matter, we all avoided her.
She would always trip herself up constantly because she lied so much that she actually forgot the initial lie she told.
She upset and angered so many colleagues that she ended up being dismissed.

Oblomov21 · 27/12/2021 12:58

I wouldn't be able to help myself, I'd have to call her on it.

"Oh that's strange because I saw your friend sally and she told me you didn't xxx"

BowledOverly · 27/12/2021 13:01

My MIL is like this. Lies range from saying her outfit is designer (it’s not) to her telling whole family she was dying of cancer (witnesses have been with her when doctor assured her there is no cancer). Anything in between including making up stories about other people.

We are firmly NC as I consider her the vilest of creatures.

Marmelace · 27/12/2021 13:36

My step sister embroidery the truth, she always has, always bigs up anything happening. I avoid her, I'd rather a thief than a liar.

Marmelace · 27/12/2021 13:37

Embroiders the truth!

Ohyesiam · 27/12/2021 13:43

In my Experience there is no point calling out a compulsive liar as they believe their own lies and there is just drama.
More importantly it doesn’t change anything. They don’t know how to stop.

mulledwineshine · 27/12/2021 13:47

My ex is the same and i have a friend who has been like this since childhood. I think its down to trauma/issues from childhood which has led on to a personality disorder.

With her i just smile and nod, with him i mostly do the same unless it effects me which I then call out because its too much of a drain on me mentally to be constantly pulling him on stuff.

AuntMasha · 27/12/2021 13:51

An ex friend was like this. Plus would tell other people things I had said which weren’t true and for some reason would tell other people exaggerated stories about how much money I had. She seemed obsessed with my finances in particular. It made me feel very vulnerable and if I protested, she just made light of it. She was also fond of telling half truths in which she was always apparently the victim and the other person was the villain. But if you found out that she’d left out a big chunk of the story which put a completely different slant on it, she would give you the silent, passive aggressive, cold treatment to punish you!

SarahJessicaParker1 · 27/12/2021 13:53

@Redlorryyellowduck

She has been called out before and just told more lies to cover the lies we'd called her on.

Some of the things are beyond possibility due to the timeframes involved, so I wonder if she even cares if we believe her or not if that makes sense, or if she's convinced herself the lies are true.

I'd prefer to call her out each and every time, but she's the mother of a child I care deeply about, she could easily cut me off from the child which would be heartbreaking.

My fear really is that she'll somehow ruin the child's life with her lies and fantasies.

It's just galling to have someone sit at your table, eat your food, and tell you such ridiculous fibs that you feel foolish that she'd even spout them. It's so difficult.

I'd ignore and avoid based on this. I have little time for people who lie all the time. You've tried already to call her out and she lied some more.

I'd avoid her completely if possible.

ChargingBuck · 27/12/2021 14:03

@steppemum

worrying that she has a child.

if that child is old enough, I would really want to have a conversation with them to make it clear that you all love their mum, but she does talk fantasy, and it is ok for the child to acknowledge that, and not to believe all the things their mum says.

As a child it must feel like you are being gaslighted all the time

here speaks the voice of experience - it does.

OP, if you could be the tactful, kindly adult that gently points out to the child that you know how difficult it is to be fibbed to, that mum has a problem with it, but other adults can be trusted not to bullshit the child ... it could be a lifeline to them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread