Drunk marriage talk

[Emtaboo]

Hi ladies
Recently had baby girl with my partner and we’re looking forward to the future. I’m always upfront about plans with him regarding the important stuff. I’d like to get married but only if he really wants it too. He rang me when he was drunk and said he wants me to be his wife and he wants to be with me forever. Had he been sober I’d have been over the moon. However, my reaction was very muted, as he was drunk. I stayed neutral in response in case he said the following day he doesn’t remember anything, which would make me look stupid. I told him I loved him and we need to discuss such matters when he hasn’t been drinking. Would any of you ladies have done anything differently? I wasn’t turning him down, I just want these things to be discussed whilst not under the influence, to know what his intentions are. We’re both in our 40s and both been married before.

Well if course he should be asking you properly, if he’s asking you at all. Regardless of being drunk, he shouldn’t be asking you down the phone either. Does he remember saying anything?

Hi Op, I think you handled this very well. Have had a similar thing happen with my DP and we’ve got a baby together too (in our early thirties though and never been married before) his parents had a bad divorce so it’s a topic I don’t tend to broach. I’m of the opinion that if he really wants to, he’ll ask, as he knows what my answer will be. I don’t know if that’s very helpful to you but I just wanted to reply that I understand your position and I think your reaction was appropriate

Sit down and explain what you have written here. Nothing will get sorted if it’s not discussed and you are both getting lost in your own heads. He likely remembers but is embarrassed.

Sorry, meant to say if he really wanted to he’d ask when sober, as for us he only feels comfortable talking about it when drunk

If you want to get married tell him you want to get married.

My DH did something similar (except it was via text message and I was at work while he was at a wedding). I just asked him the next day if he meant it / remembered it. He said yes to both. Not the most romantic of proposals!

@hardboiledeggs

Sit down and explain what you have written here. Nothing will get sorted if it’s not discussed and you are both getting lost in your own heads. He likely remembers but is embarrassed.

Yep

You have a child together, no need to be so coy. 'Last night you said XYZ XYZ did you mean it?'

I'd have said 'yes' but then said - 'and let's talk about this again when or have sobered up'

When disinhibited by drink, that is what he says. So seize the moment and have the sober convo today

I think you’re both adults and approaching middle age, you should be able to take this discussion with him at any time now. If you can’t then something is not right in the relationship.

So he gets to call you when drunk spouting off about marriage with no expectation that he will take any ownership for his words once sober, but you have to carefully curate not only the emotions you display at the time but also the way you bring it up in the future in case it makes you look stupid? Doesn't sound like there's a very even power dynamic in your relationship tbh. You've had his baby, you should feel comfortable reacting authentically to something like that and also able to discuss it frankly the next day. I understand that a lot of women want to be proposed to but he seems to have a really disproportionate amount of power in this situation. He seems to have absolute freedom to express his thoughts and emotions as they arise, whilst yours must be carefully guarded. Take back some control and ask him outright as soon as he is sober whether his proposal was serious. And if he backs out of it then you should be really angry with him because that's a really cruel thing to do to you. He shouldn't get to say something like that and just go on consequence free.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

So he gets to call you when drunk spouting off about marriage with no expectation that he will take any ownership for his words once sober, but you have to carefully curate not only the emotions you display at the time but also the way you bring it up in the future in case it makes you look stupid? Doesn't sound like there's a very even power dynamic in your relationship tbh. You've had his baby, you should feel comfortable reacting authentically to something like that and also able to discuss it frankly the next day. I understand that a lot of women want to be proposed to but he seems to have a really disproportionate amount of power in this situation. He seems to have absolute freedom to express his thoughts and emotions as they arise, whilst yours must be carefully guarded. Take back some control and ask him outright as soon as he is sober whether his proposal was serious. And if he backs out of it then you should be really angry with him because that's a really cruel thing to do to you. He shouldn't get to say something like that and just go on consequence free.

Totally this

When you find yourself having to 'sanitise' your raw emotions, feelings and thoughts about things to your partner you have a huge problem on your hands.

Well, OP, I think your response at the time was wise but are you sure you want to tie yourself formally to someone you think may talk about such a major issue when drunk and not mean it?

@Bluntness100

I think you’re both adults and approaching middle age, you should be able to take this discussion with him at any time now. If you can’t then something is not right in the relationship.

They’re not approaching middle age, they’re right in it!

@VladmirsPoutine

When you find yourself having to 'sanitise' your raw emotions, feelings and thoughts about things to your partner you have a huge problem on your hands.

Yes, exactly this.

And I've seen that 'I want to get married, but only if he reaaallly wants to get married, too, and not just because I said so!' thing way too often on here, usually in what seems to me a frankly insane combination with having had children together. If you want something, express your wish clearly. Marriage, especially when you have a child and presumably entwined finances and possibly property ownership, isn't, and shouldn't involve some coy parade of female passivity and patience in the hope of some male performance of 'romance' based on a relationship model that is long out of date for 40something co-parents in 2021.

In a nutshell, @Corbally.
Time and again on here, women wait for proposals like it's a Jane Austen novel. Men seem to have all the power. Marriage isn't a gift bestowed by a man on a woman, it's a mutual decision about the future.

So he drunkenly proposed.

I do not understand why this is a problem that necessitates asking the internet for advice, instead of just speaking to him the next morning when he's sober about it, like you SAID to him that you would.

Not knowing what to do in this situation is a new level of passivity!

I never get this notion that women should wait patiently and coyly for a proposal! By and large men benefit from marriage far more than women do. Married men outlive their single counter parts and remain with better overall health than their single counterparts. The inverse is true for women!

Yeah if it's not a sober proposal it doesn't count, I'd ignore it. That said, I would have a sober conversation at some point about whether either of you see marriage in your futures. I don't approve of the idea that it's a unilateral decision made by one half of the couple without consultation.

You have a child together. You will.be in each others lives forever now. You can't make a bigger commitment than that.

Simply have a conversation in which you say I would like to be married. When shall we book the registry office for?