Is this reasonable or narcissistic?

[justamumseekingadvice]

Say if you weren’t allowed to see your child this year (say for arguments sake - the court has said you’re not allowed until some investigations are completed) for their birthday or Christmas (very close together)…

Would you want to send your child a card and gifts so they know you’re thinking of them at this time and something for them to enjoy whilst you can’t be there with them?

OR…

Would you refuse to send them anything - not even a card - until you can open them with them even though that could be months and months down the line…

Is this a normal reaction to have as a parent or just another narcissistic trait of this person making a celebration all about them rather than the child? 🙄

(If they were offered to video the child’s reaction and send to the parent, would this change your view?)

Asking for a friend… obviously… 🤷‍♀️

yes its self centered

gifting for birthdays and xmas etc are for the benefit of the person receiving the gift not the giver

I’ve seen this reaction before. There was a kind of twisted logic ascribed to it but it was entirely self-centred.

It demonstrates an inability to put the child's needs & feelings first. It doesn't bode well for a future close relationship. A child is not an extension of a parents ego (shouldn't be anyway!)

Don’t offer to video it. I’d avoid facilitating anything to give the child a false impression that the father cares. It will only set them up for future disappointment.

Tell the child ASAP that their dad won’t be sending presents presents. Talk that through. Say some people don’t always do what we’d like or think of our feelings. This will prepare them for their future relationship/non-relationship with him.

Of course you'd send a card and gift - especially if someone's offering to show you their reaction.

You'd do everything you could to let your child know how much you love and miss them.

Some people are so incredibly selfish.

That person isn't a parent.

Thank-you for all of the quick replies already - I just needed to know that I wasn’t going crazy! 🙄 I even offered to buy the presents in time and wrap them from them, if they had sent the money over if the post wouldn’t arrive in time but still no…

I just feel so bloody awful for DD, I was so tempted to just wrap something from him so she didn’t spend the whole day thinking her dad forgot about her, I really don’t understand how a parent can be so self-centered and egotistical… but equally it’s got rid of any doubt and guilt I had about DD not seeing her dad and going through court! 👍 x

It's selfish and shows that he only cares about his own feelings. No contact was a good decision.

I wouldn't lie to dd. Don't make excuses. Just explain that sometimes adults can make bad decisions.

It's a selfish attempt at control via the only method left to them and it's beyond shitty

I'm in the position of the other parent in this scenario - I have been buying, wrapping and passing over presents which have been thrown away for more than a year. I'm not yet at the stage where I feel that I should only buy the presents when I can see them again but I'm very close to that and I don't think I'm a Narc

All I'm saying is there's more than one way to look at this decision.

@Cashncarry I completely understand but I think your situation is slightly different and sounds like it’s been going on for a while… contact has just been stopped in my case very recently and I think they was hoping that if I allowed contact over birthday and Christmas that I wouldn’t move forward with the court case and they would be allowed completely free and unrestricted access to DD again… so in my case I think it’s definitely a narc/control aspect to it…

It's selfish and controlling but not necessarily narcissistic.

This is exactly the sort of thing my Dad used to do. He was incredibly controlling and domineering.

No, it's not normal and best not to cover for him IMO.