Didn't get the job. How to get over it?

[Handy123]

I just found out today that I didn't get the job.

It's a job that would have been perfect for me, combining two areas of my expertise. I'm well qualified and experienced in both areas.

The interview went really well last week and I thought I had a chance. I thought that I was warm, friendly and confident without being arrogant. I had to do a long presentation and it went smoothly.

The problem is now I will be really negatively affected by this. It's really dented my confidence. I probably spent 15-20 hours preparing for it (usual for that type of role) and I'm now questioning whether I'll be able to go for a role like this again.

I have asked for feedback but apparently all the interview panel are now on AL, so it won't be until January. I now have a feeling I'm in for a glum Christmas. Sorry I know its a very self-pitying post, but I feel like I've had such a huge setback.

AIBU?

YABU - Dust yourself off and try again
YANBU - It's normal to feel really gutted and to have knocked confidence

It's crap, when you don't get a job you really want.

I work in HR so have sat on loads of interview panels over the years, as well as having lots of interviews myself, so I'm quite practical in my approach and never get my hopes up.

Interviewing just isn't about you, it's also about the other candidates perform and how the panel assess you all. You can only do your best, the rest is out of your control.

Take some time to grieve, because it is a loss, but take your learns from it.

I think maybe you got your hopes up much more than you’re saying, which makes it worse.

In reality you likely did great, simoly someone else was more suited in this instance, which is not a reflection on you.

I think accept it’s disappointing, dust youtself off and keep looking for the next one

Me too OP, a couple of times recently, internal, civil service roles, that I’d be superb at. Very apologetic recruiting managers. I hate competency based interviews.

I work in HR too and there are often several really good candidates at interview and any of them could do the job. Its a numbers game, don't give up. You know you can do it and you'll get there.

Sorry to hear that OP I feel your pain!! I've had 4 interviews level transfer in 2 years and no luck I too hate civil service competency interviews!

@Seainasive

One thing I’ve realised is that often they don’t want the perfect candidate who ticks all the boxes. Hiring managers often prefer someone they can bring on, and train in the way they want.

It is entirely possible that you didn’t get the job because actually you are too good for them.

Gutting yes, but dust yourself down and try again.

There is truth in this.

Sometimes, you may have better experience than the hiring manager and threaten them. Employers also like to be able to give the candidate a step up, whether it is training or a better brand or experience or salary. If you tick all the boxes, this becomes a sideways move and the fear is you won't stay for long.

I have been gutted not to get certain jobs and also been on the side of the hiring manager. There is inevitably a lot of luck involved and the more senior you get, the more difficult it is to find the right role. Whilst you may have been getting the pick of roles when junior, for senior roles, the right 'fit' becomes much more important and it is in the head of the hiring manager who this person might be and what their experience should be in. It is impossible to be all things to all people.

You pick them and they pick you. They have more knowledge of the role and therefore, if they don't pick you, it could be they know something about the role that your particular skills or experience or background would not make you the best candidate for.

As for feedback, it is likely to be anodine like you were good but another candidate was better. There is a reticence to crush the spirit of the candidate so whatever the reason is, you may not get to the bottom of it.

I guess the only thing left to do is move on. It could have been a lucky escape rather than the one that got away. . It is disappointing.

Allow yourself to have a good wallow for a couple days,

Then go on a brisk walk and decide how you will make a job like this happen next year - come home and write down 3-10 action points

Then forget about it and have a great Christmas.

Crack on with finding a job in the NY

Don’t talk yourself into letting this dent your confidence - the only person it will hurt is you. It will only knock your confidence if you let it. No one gets every job. You don’t know who you were up against or what mix of skills they needed in the team. Get the feedback, take what’s useful and go get your next job.

I was in this situation earlier this year OP.

I got through it with loads of swearing.

I recently got a job I really wanted...and it's really not turned out well. Toxic boss, psycho colleague...

This is not forever. Like relationships, you'll get over it when there is something else to think about. You've done the hard work with your application, you just need to tailor that for the next vacancy now.

You'll be fine.

@Handy123 I thought I’d share a story from my life that might cheer you up. A few years ago I applied for a job at a company which I didn’t get, didn’t even make it past the first interview. 3 years later I work for the same company in a MUCH more senior role than I applied for. I’m now an ‘internal client’ for the team that I didn’t apply for.

Things just work our that way sometimes - bigger and better things waiting

Loads of people saying "I bet you did amazingly but someone was 1% better" I get that comes from a good place.

But we really have to be OK with failure. Maybe OP completely fucking tanked! But so what? It's just a job. You get over it and move on.

If you're so sensitive you can't fail at something, then you need to do some serious work on yourself.

It's fine to fail. It's part of life.

I completely understand. I've been interviewing and have had to complete a number of projects and presentations for each role, it's so much work!! What a lot down. You will feel SO much better if you apply for another job, even better if you apply for 5-10!

OP I really feel for you

In November I had an interview for the perfect job. Then a second interview at the beginning of December. Then I had a 3rd interview to meet the team & have a chat and introduce ourselves.

And then radio silence ever since it’s bloody painful. Especially when you know it was the perfect role.

But there will be others

@Animood

Loads of people saying "I bet you did amazingly but someone was 1% better" I get that comes from a good place.

But we really have to be OK with failure. Maybe OP completely fucking tanked! But so what? It's just a job. You get over it and move on.

If you're so sensitive you can't fail at something, then you need to do some serious work on yourself.

It's fine to fail. It's part of life.

Maybe she did, but they're both failures, aren't they?

If you are excellent but someone else was better, you failed to get the job. If you were awful and everyone else was better, you failed to get the job.

You sound as if you just want to pretend the OP is being overly 'sensitive,' when there's nothing in her OP to indicate that she doesn't have perfectly good self-awareness about all of this.

@woodlandarchitect

OP I really feel for you

In November I had an interview for the perfect job. Then a second interview at the beginning of December. Then I had a 3rd interview to meet the team & have a chat and introduce ourselves.

And then radio silence ever since it’s bloody painful. Especially when you know it was the perfect role.

But there will be others

Any company that will go radio silence after 3 interviews are arseholes! The least you deserve is a phone call! That's despicable

Yes I think she is being too sensitive and also not realising it's absolutely fine to fail. It's normal and to be expected to fail when job hunting.

As one PP said, she applied for 100 jobs. Now if you've applied for 100 jobs and not got one, you have the right to be upset!

But 1 job, nah. Dust yourself off and crack on.

This was me a few months ago. It was my perfect job with hours I could actually do which is hard for me to find. I was so so hurt. I felt like rubbish for about a month.

I allowed myself a couple of days to ‘grieve’ over it then had to pick myself up. But yeah, after a month it didn’t hurt so much.

It really really does hurt though, you’re not alone.

I interview people a lot, for senior positions. Firstly it's ok to feel the way you do, but the chances are that the reason you didn't get the job is nothing to do with you at all.

When I interview people, I only interview people who are sufficiently knowledgeable and experienced to do the job. So, everyone interviewed is likely to be appointable. On the day, you're not picking the "best" candidate, you're picking the best fit.

When I'm interviewing, I'm thinking about the skills I already have in the team, and where we need something different. I'm thinking about how people will interact with the people they have to manage downwards, upwards, and sideways. I'm thinking about how they'll get on with our stakeholders and partners; what new networks they can bring to my service and organisation; how specific projects they've worked on will fit with what we have coming up, etc. None of this means they're "better" than other candidates, it's just who fits best with the team, organisation, networks, etc. And none of the candidates can prep this stuff, so most of it is down to chance.

The benefit of this to the candidates of course, is that when they do get a job, it feels like the right fit. And if you don't get a job, then chances are it's a good thing... because it probably wasn't the right fit for you and you wouldn't have stayed long anyway.

A applied for 80 jobs and only ended up with one offer. Role and company of my dreams. I start on the 10th, hang in there!

@fellrunner85. Those are very wise words, and I find them very comforting. Makes perfect sense of course.

OP - I interview a lot and it will have likely come down to experience. When we have really good candidates that is what it usually comes down to...something we can find on paper to differentiate as all the verbal questions are score-based so we often need a tie-break. There's nothing you can do about it - it's out of your hands. Give yourself 24hrs to lick your wounds and then move on! That's pretty poor that they didn't provide feedback before they went on AL as this is something we would compile for each candidate immediately after interviewing as so many ask for it. They've given us their time so it's the least we can do.

@rosesarereddish Please do not be upset for one more minute - fuck them. What appalling wording to use for feedback. Honestly, this shows you that it was not the place for you...you'd be working with or for at least one awful person and would be constantly trying to prove yourself. Really horrible and very unprofessional.

@Cam2020

It's a bit like unrequited love, isn't it? As cliched as it sounds, the right job will come along and the process you've just been through will stand you in good stead.

It's not a given though is it? Not everybody gets a job they're happy with eventually. I've been applying for other jobs for over a decade and am still stuck in my low paid job, it's really hard.

I tried applying to lots of jobs over the past year and didn't get anywhere inc an internal post which was rejected and rather embarrassing but I've just started a new job and it's the best out the lot of which I applied for so I'm glad I didn't get offered anything before this one. Things have a way of working out for the best in the long run.

Both - it's understandable to feel like that, but you need to dust yourself off and give another employer the opportunity to have your expertise; one that isn't so blind to what they missed out on.

Op honestly something better will come along and it will be their loss .I applied for a promotion at work , I have done the role in a previous role but a younger , Inexperienced college got the role. At the the time I was gutted it hit my confidence, thought I must be awful even though I have done the job years even though my manager and my boss reassured me .But now I am relieved as actually I start a degree around work next year which I would not have been able to do otherwise so it actually turned out for the best. I can see now their flexibility is better than mine and to be honest I am firm believer everything happens for a reason there is something better out there for you.