To say no to being a Godparent

[ffscovid]

Background: I was brought up to go to church (CofE) every week. We weren't a very religious family (for example, we didn't say grace at mealtimes or pray together / study the Bible as a family), but church on Sunday was an important part of my parents' week (and still is).
I was baptised as a baby and confirmed in my early teens but as I grew up, I decided that church wasn't really for me and I would consider myself agnostic nowadays.
I had my own children a few years ago and decided not to get them Christened. I did briefly consider it to keep the peace with my family but when I read through the promises you're asked to make, I realised I'd be standing in church and telling lies, which didn't sit right with me at all. DH agreed as he's an atheist.
Anyway, fast forward a couple of years and DSis has asked me to be Godmother to my DN. DSis doesn't go to church (nor does her DH) but wants the baby Christened as 'it's a family tradition'. I really don't want to say yes, for the same reasons that I didn't get my children Christened. You're asked to promise to bring the child up in God's faith, take them to church etc. and I just can't promise that, nor could I tell lies in church (as I respect the religion even if I don't feel it's for me).
If I say no, I know that DSis (and the rest of the family) will be really hurt. But if I say yes, my kids will wonder why I could lie for DN but not them.
WWYD?

I had a very similar situation with my sister. I said no as well and she was very angry with me. I think I’d feel differently if my sister had been an avid church goer but she wasn’t. Anyway, after I offered to buy both children their christening outfits, she got over it and a female cousin took ‘my’ place. It was a number of years ago now and, to my knowledge, neither my sister or her children have set foot in a church since!

I would say no. Some people would happily go and say words they don't believe but I think it's good you won't. DH politely refused to as well.

I've politely refused twice. I'm not religious at all and it would be hypocritical for me stand up in Church reciting vows that I don't believe in at all and would not follow. It's disrespectful to those that follow that religion. I didn't get married in Church for this reason.

Could you ask to be a fairy godmother instead? Skip the godly bit and just do nice things with DN?

I mean, to honest, Godparents are like surrogate aunties and uncles (you’re already a real auntie… just go the extra mile).
As a recovered Catholic AND being that it’s your sister’s baby, personally, I think you might be overthinking it. But that’s just me and my opinion. If it doesn’t feel right, OP, it doesn’t feel right. There’s nothing wrong with declining. My dear friend declined for similar reasons and I had no problem with it.

I've said no twice too. I do non-god-bothery stuff for them instead.

YANBU.

I said no to friends for the same reason you did. They pointed out their son has an atheist godparent, so I accepted. Eventually. Have never discussed religion with my godd in 20 years.

My mum was an atheist and godmother to two children. With both, she made it very clear to the parents she was not religious and would not contribute to that area of the child’s life (I guess as an atheist she wasn’t bothered about lying in church!). However she got the kids birthday presents and I believe they knew that if they were ever in trouble and needed her help she’d be there for them. Basically a special auntie I guess. Neither of the sets of parents were overly religious themselves however (not regular church attendees!) so probably weren’t that bothered - I guess if they were they’d probably know more religious people to ask!

In your situation, I’d make my position clear (I won’t be doing any of the religious stuff etc) and if the parents are happy go for it. It’s not really any different to getting married in a church when you’re not very religious, which many people do.

I think it’s fine to say that you don’t want to do the lying in church part but I don’t think you realise that they’re aren’t just asking you for tradition. Isn’t the point of his parents that you do look out for them and provide them with guidance and support etc? And if anything happens to the parents then you will look after the kids?

My 3 DSs are all baptised but my DH is not a Christian. When we asked the vicar's advice, he said to DH not to recite the vows. Could you do that, rather than say no outright?

Thanks everyone for your input. Maybe if I was an atheist rather than agnostic I'd find it easier to lie. But I still have a lot of respect for church / Christianity, I just struggle with believing it all myself and would feel very uncomfortable standing in church lying.

For those who suggested that I just don't make the promises during the ceremony, yes that's a possibility but then what's the point in being the Godparent? The purpose of Godparents is for the parents to nominate people to help them to bring their child up in the Christian faith, and I wouldn't be able to do that as I don't really believe in it. I'm already a very close relative and Godparents aren't automatically legal guardians should anything awful happen to DSis & BIL, so I can still offer to be nominated in their will to look after DN if the need arose.

I would say no if asked for the same reasons op, they might be upset at first but they will get over it.

We are agnostic. DH was asked to be godf to friends DS. DH explained whilst he would take on all responsibilities other than religious ones, the parents were ok with that and I think DH said a slightly different oath at the ceremony. Perhaps you can have a differently worded oath?

I think it's pointless asking aunts and uncles to be godparents as they're already important parts of the child's life anyway and it reduces the number of potential presents they will get. Could you say you don't feel you need to be a godparent to be close to DN?