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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I’m a bit of a crap parent?

31 replies

Bananaandpears · 19/12/2021 21:02

And I always thought I wouldn’t be. But I have a 12.5 month old who doesn’t sleep, has no routine, doesn’t eat particularly well and somehow I’m just really struggling Sad

She’s still up now and that’s fairly typical. I really struggle to get her to sleep. Then when she’s down she wakes every 90 minutes. I don’t mind her waking up but it does worry me a bit that she doesn’t seem to ever have a decent block of sleep say from 8 pm - 2am.

Just feel like sleep and diet are such basic things and I’m getting them wrong.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 19/12/2021 21:05

The sleep thing is not your ‘fault’. 50% of children are not sleeping through the night at 12 months.

That means it’s not unusual for your child to be waking up, it’s normal. Standing on your head can’t change that.

If you are surviving on such a little amount of sleep and getting through the day, then you are doing great.

3luckystars · 19/12/2021 21:06

That info is from ‘the no cry sleep solution’ book. I have been where you are and I tried everything, the only thing that cured it was time. All the very best.

Haggisfish3 · 19/12/2021 21:07

Meh. My kids are still crap at going to sleep and eat essentially beige food. They are 9 and 11. However, they are loved and know this, and they are massively secure in themselves. They are polite and kind. I am not a crap parent. You are not a crap parent.

ChangeChingyChange · 19/12/2021 21:07

Proper sleep training is your friend!

Original poster
Bananaandpears · 19/12/2021 21:07

Hmmm but … but … there’s a difference between not sleeping through and being up till all hours / waking constantly in the night, surely? I don’t know. I just feel a bit like I’ve caused problems.

OP posts:
Terminallysleepdeprived · 19/12/2021 21:08

Some babies just don't sleep. Dd didn't sleep from 8 months til she was 6.5 years old.

I blamed myself, convinced myself it was my fault I wasn't good enough, wasn't strict enough, wasn't maternal enough.

She has mild insomnia. I have it. I can't switch off in order to sleep. Silence makes it especially difficult.

Once I twigged this things got a little better. I would put a story cd on and just leave her. As long as she wasn't crying then she was OK and would fall asleep as and when she did.

Nowayoutonlydown · 19/12/2021 21:09

Some children are easier than others, that's all. Please dont beat yourself up. It's a tough time, but you'll get through this.

Yumchips · 19/12/2021 21:11

If you get afford it get a sleep consultant. I struggled for 10 months and didn't think it was fixable. A few changes and a week's worth of change to our lack of routine and suddenly we had order back. Now I look back I wonder why I was reluctant to spend the money or go for it.

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 19/12/2021 21:13

You are by no means a failure OP! Or a bad parent. Some kids are just trickier than others.

12.5 months is obviously old enough for a routine though, and if you’re struggling, maybe it’s time to gently try and implement one.

My kids are nearly 13 and 9 now, but I do remember what their routines were at that age, if that’s any help?

With the food, how much milk is she having in the day? And are naps just as and when?

Siennabear · 19/12/2021 21:13

Sounds normal to me. My 2 woke regularly until 2 and 2.5 years. You don’t need to sleep train, that will naturally sort itself out. My dd used to be a bit if a night owl and went to bed at 9-9:30. We have slowly got her bedtime earlier to7:30-8. It is such a long day otherwise. She is 3.5 and been going to bed a normal time for a while. Once they start nursery etc they will be more tired.
All children like beige food, just keep trying with different things.

Original poster
Bananaandpears · 19/12/2021 21:14

I’d be up for it but I think DH just sees it as a waste of money. Probably because I do most of the get-ups!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bananaandpears · 19/12/2021 21:14

She’s at nursery - has been since 9 months.

OP posts:
BakedTattie · 19/12/2021 21:14

My 8 year old is the huffiest kid in the world. And my 6 year old literally bounces off the walls and cannot or will not talk at a normal level but has to yell always.

In conclusion, kids are just dicks.

Your kid is alive, healthy and happy? Then You’re doing great 👍🏻

morechocolateneededtoday · 19/12/2021 21:17

Normal and fine if you're OK with the sleep side too. If you're struggling or baby overtired in the day and grumpy then I would recommend doing something. If you're both happy, leave it be and don't beat yourself up.

I've been there with the eating - it was a long hard road but has definitely improved lots as got older (now 5yrs old)

You're doing your best, baby knows they're loved and cares for. Not a crap parent at all

Papertrail392 · 19/12/2021 21:23

DS was an absolutely terrible sleeper and eater too. He's 12 now and thank god those days are behind us. I felt like a terrible mum compared to my friends babies who slept through and ate everything out in front of them.

It's not anything you've done though. I can guard you're a brilliant mum, sleep deprivation for that length of time is absolutely brutal so try and be kind to yourself. It will all fall into place eventually and there's no magic trick to any of it, your baby will just eventually settle. I'd bet anything that she'll be a bright little spark as she gets older, the tricky ones usually are!

Papertrail392 · 19/12/2021 21:24

Apologies for all the typos! Must learn to proof read before posting!

AngelicInnocent · 19/12/2021 21:24

My oldest never disturbed me at night from 6 months old. My youngest never disturbed me at night until she was 6 months old and then I never had an undisturbed night until she was about 8.

I was the same parent to both of them. Basically, kids are right little pains in the bum.

AmIAGrinchx · 19/12/2021 21:25

Is she waking because she's hungry? Or because it's a habit to wake up every 1.5 hours?

cathcath2 · 19/12/2021 21:29

You are a great parent for one reason: you care.

Tee20x · 19/12/2021 21:30

Imo sleep and eating can be some of the hardest things to sort out & the things we beat ourselves up about most. Don't worry OP. I don't have a fixed routine either - a loose one yes, but varies day to day based on a number of factors.

DD is 12 months and often refuses food

Tee20x · 19/12/2021 21:30

Oops posted to quickly.... refuses food, naps, goes to bed late (still up) but overall is happy, sleeps enough and is well fed & that's the most important thing :(

Franklydear · 19/12/2021 21:53

Nothing you do or don’t do will affect their sleep, and one day it’ll be fix, just like magic, roll with it

Original poster
Bananaandpears · 19/12/2021 21:55

Thank you. It does worry me.I don’t think she’s waking because hungry - often refuses a bottle although she will take sometimes for comfort and that’s probably a bad thing too!

OP posts:
Cupcakeschocolate · 19/12/2021 22:01

4 kids here op. I can tell you they don't properly sleep in till aged 5. Well mine anyway. None of them. Eldest is 8. Youngest is 2. 7 year old only just started sleeping through at 5.5 years. The youngest 2 still wake. Youngest is breastfed and still wakes. And 4 year old wakes up at least once a few nights a week. It can just be mum life. I see it as we like to sleep with someone and when a kids on their own yes, they probably do wake and don't want to be alone. Just take it in your stride

ThievesTemple · 19/12/2021 22:07

I loved the baby whisperer solves all your problems book, I used it to sleep train my two when they were young.
It only took a couple of nights to get it sorted, I couldn’t believe how easy it was and it didn’t involve leaving them cry and ignoring them which I couldn’t have done.

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