Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To spend Christmas Day volunteering

25 replies

Reflectedlights · 19/12/2021 15:22

‘D’H and I are over. He doesn’t think we are but in my mind we are and we finished a long time ago. There is no one else and never has been. I find him lazy, thoughtless and emotionally draining. Over the years what was annoying became repulsive.

Dh and I have not shared a bed for 7 years. This has always been his choice. He falls asleep on the sofa and stays there. That’s when our sex life ended too. I used to beg him to come to bed and he always promised he would but he never did. This used to upset me so much but now I enjoy having my own room and sleeping in my own. I haven’t asked him to come to bed for 4+ years.

I don’t sit in the living room in an evening as within 2 minutes he’s snoring. I have asked him to see a doctor over this but he never did.

My children are older - the youngest is 17 and the eldest 21 and at university. They don’t understand why I’m not always happy and want to spend time with dad. He is very much the Disney dad. He does absolutely fuck all but when the kids are about he’s all over everything. They see me as the moody bitch who sits upstairs all the time.

I can not afford to leave him. I would get no help financially from anywhere and I can not afford to rent or buy him out. I’m hoping in the next few years to be able to leave. I’m not depressed by it, it is what it is. I have great friends and apart from my marriage I enjoy my life.

Today I lost my shit. I have been poorly the last week -in bed flu- and no one did fuck all. The Christmas tree was still sat where I left it a week ago, no washing done, no where hoovered and the bathroom and kitchen is just revolting. I asked for help and was told I was nagging by the kids. I asked h for help and he told me I had spent the week in bed and done nothing so why should he. I am raging. I’m not trying to sound like a martyr but I got all the gifts and wrapped them, sent the cards, ordered the food, picked bits up each week and so on. Nothing different to what anyone else does but if I didn’t do it, then it wouldn’t be done.
For the first time in a long time today I just felt done. I cried putting the tree up whilst he dozed on the sofa. The kids came down and he jumped up and gave the ‘oh love it looks lovely, you’re so good. I can’t wait for you to do your magic on Christmas day’

I saw red. It made me realise I’m just here to do what’s expected and that’s it. I’ve now signed up to volunteer at a lunch on Christmas Day. It’s 10-5pm. I will watch the kids open their gifts and then go. I can’t play happy families whilst he talks to his parents on FaceTime, laughing with the kids and I’m in the kitchen doing it all.

The only thing that’s scaring me is the thread on here about the worst Christmas. What if my kids never forgive me? What if I ruin my relationship with them?

OP posts:

Backtoreality1 · 19/12/2021 15:26

Just explain to them what you have written here- they are old enough to have some understanding and can’t be blind to the fact that you are basically living independent lives. Maybe focus on wanting to do good for others rather than telling them it’s because you don’t want to be around husband- just to take the sting out.

Bellafrenum · 19/12/2021 15:37

In your position I would do it. If they say it ruined Christmas I would act surprised and say oh but dh, you are such a perfect Disney dad and dc, I am just a nag so I thought it would be the best Christmas ever without me here?

But then I am a bit passive aggressive 🤣

gogohm · 19/12/2021 15:38

Talk to them, then leave him. You can afford it, life will be different but you are miserable and life is to short for that. I've been in your position and the kids knew, we thought we hid it!

Restart10 · 19/12/2021 15:42

Do it op. I think your kids are a disgrace at their ages to be such pigs and leave it all to you. Your dh is obviously a great role model for them..Not! Spend the day where your efforts are appreciated.

girlmom21 · 19/12/2021 15:43

Your kids are adults (or very nearly for the younger one) and they sound almost as bad as him.

You don't exist to be their skivvy.

AuntieStella · 19/12/2021 15:44

It's wrong take up a volunteer slot and then quit out of it. It's pretty rare to be able to get an 11th hour slot at all, so of course you need to stick with that plan.

Tell your DC all about the positives of your volunteer role, and how you will see them both before and after, and his of course Daddy will be there for everything in the middle, and that everyone one can have a good time

Mermaidwaves · 19/12/2021 15:49

It sounds like everyone takes you for granted so this is a chance to show them all you do and him a taste of what it's like to live without you. I bet you will have an amazing time volunteering and will come home much happier

MojoMoon · 19/12/2021 15:53

Do it, your kids can learn to be less selfish.

Please go and see a solicitor in the new year and get proper advice on financial arrangements if you split.
There are other options beyond you buying him out of the existing house

ChangeChingyChange · 19/12/2021 16:00

God this is no way to live. I would just leave. Do you not work or have the capacity to work?? Why do you think you can't afford to leave - you'll have half the house which he can sell or buy you out of if needed. You need to sort yourself out this reads like you're the slave of the house completely unappreciated. Why do you want to live like this?

sausagelastrange · 19/12/2021 16:32

OP - the first Christmas after I left ex-husband, I volunteered for crisis at a temporary shelter in London.

It was hands down one of the most memorable Christmas's I have ever had. I slept on the floor in between shifts, talked to people who came for a bed and a meal and had a cup of soup for my Christmas lunch.

I'd love to do it again and will do once my son is older - good luck with whatever you decide

YoungBritishPissArtist · 19/12/2021 16:36

Assuming your H have to cook for the DC, this might make them realise how much you do for them.

manysummersago · 19/12/2021 16:39

It sounds awful and I’m sorry you’re going through this but I don’t think volunteering and removing yourself from the house is the answer.

Suzanne999 · 19/12/2021 16:44

Well done. I’d have done the same. You’re not your family’s unpaid servant.
Come Christmas Day, open presents with the children then say I’m off, bye, there’s food in the fridge —- and leave them to it.

Sorry you haven’t the resources to move out, I’m sure you’d be so much happier.

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2021 16:48

The only thing that’s scaring me is the thread on here about the worst Christmas. What if my kids never forgive me? What if I ruin my relationship with them?

Well you need to get on and tell them.

Christmas is 6 days away.

Lollyfalalalalalalalalaaahhhhh · 19/12/2021 16:50

Just don't spring it on them. That's my only advice if you don't want the resentment and confusion in years to come.
A simple 'I had a bit of time to think last week, and I've decided to volunteer to help less fortunate people this year. I'll be out from 10 til 5' and leave it at that.

1forAll74 · 19/12/2021 17:00

I think that your children are old enough, to understand your home situation, you are only going to be out for a few hours, not a week.You will at least, get to see some happier people, eating lunch, and chatting away, all served by kindly volunteers. But your husband should be doing some volunteering work,by the soundof things !!

boogiewithasuitcase · 19/12/2021 17:09

I asked h for help and he told me I had spent the week in bed and done nothing so why should he.

So there is a total lack of support from your DH and DC even though you have had flu - and you are probably still recovering. Please put yourself and your health first, OP, nobody else is going to do that for you. Fuck giving them a magical Christmas. They don't deserve it!

Lollypop701 · 19/12/2021 17:10

Make sure you tell them, they have plenty of time to sort themselves out. I’m not sure it’s the best way to do it, you will get fall out for not wanting to spend time with your family, even though they don’t deserve it. You need to leave, or a least confirm the marriage is over, then you will hopefully get more understanding. It’s going to be tough I fear op, but Staying as you are isn’t the answer

AlbertBridge · 19/12/2021 17:18

I get that you've reached breaking point. But another way to tackle this would've been to sit everyone down and delegate all the Christmas Day tasks between everyone.

As it is, you've just flounced. While it's dramatic and memorable, I suspect they'll all just bond at home without you.

Tickledtrout · 19/12/2021 17:23

Invite the kids to join you and eat your dinner there
If they choose not to then they can sort themselves out with their dad
Have a lovely Christmas away from your H and make sure he's gone by next year . See a solicitor. It might not be a bleak as you think. Teens are incredibly self centred. Might as well please yourself OP

StoneofDestiny · 19/12/2021 17:26

I think I'd tell the children what you have said here adding that you feel unappreciated, exhausted and unneeded. That will explain why you think you should go where you will be appreciated and needed.
I'd then make practical plans to move out from this dead marriage.

MajorCarolDanvers · 19/12/2021 17:33

I think volunteering is a courageous first step in standing up for yourself.

I hope you go through with it and I hope this gives you the confidence to explain to your kids why you are doing this.

I also hope it gives you the confidence to get out of this marriage. You deserve so much better.

Good luck.

CharlotteRose90 · 19/12/2021 17:41

I think it’s an amazing thing you plan to do but sadly I think the kids will side with dad on this one and you’ll look like the bad one. Could you not sit down with the kids and split with chores between them or say they’ll be having toast if you get no help

bowlingalleyblues · 19/12/2021 17:46

Let your family know, and invite them to volunteer with you or otherwise organise their own Christmas cooking, and say you’ll join them in the evening, can they cook enough for you to have some.

Bagadverts · 19/12/2021 17:58

Now that you have taken it up I don’t think you should pull out.
How much have you talked to your DC about chores. Have they each had to help out? Do they do it? I’d say absolutely fine to leave DH to his thing but these are your children as well. If there hasn’t been that expectation then you may lose them a bit. Or as pp has said it may shock them. From the sound of it though it would not matter if the DC change you need/will separate.

Flip