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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send gifts to friends children

26 replies

vickyrn1986 · 19/12/2021 11:42

I'm 34 (F) and have been friends with a 43 (F) for a few years but we've been very close over the last year. Her family have had quite an upsetting year and as a result I've taken a lot of time off my work to spend with her teenage children. She's self employed and needed to work but felt guilty, so I took annual leave to hang with them and take them to the cinema or out for food in the school holidays.

We all went on holiday together and for their birthdays I got them both gifts they loved. Over the past few months I've seen little bits and pieces that I knew they'd like so bought them with Christmas in mind. I don't have family and always spend Christmas alone which my friend knows. Last year she wrapped up individual gifts with dates on them for me to open each day of the holidays.

She lives a distance from me and I don't drive but she works close to my home and a few weeks ago I asked if she could stop by to collect their Christmas presents. She ignored the request. I mentioned it again a few days later and she said 'you don't need to get us anything'. I explained I already had and it was all wrapped up. She's been a little distant over the past couple of weeks and I didn't want to ask again so I parcelled up the gifts and sent them (at quite the expense) via courier. The parcel was delivered a few days ago and there was a picture sent of her daughter opening the door. There are four wrapped gifts for her and each of her two children plus a card saying it's just a small token and I hope they have a lovely Christmas.

She hasn't been in touch since it arrived and I'm wondering if I was in the wrong sending them. I thought the issue was going out of her way to collect them but I'm now paranoid it was something to do with her not wanting the gifts and that I've done something wrong.

OP posts:
AmIAGrinchx · 19/12/2021 12:01

Either she's finding Christmas hard from whatever upset she had this year OR she's a CF whose been using you if you don't get a thank you by Boxing Day I wouldn't bother with her again, she doesn't deserve a good friend like you. Thanks

Billandben444 · 19/12/2021 12:02

It seemed a good idea at the time and was generous of you but I think you've come over a bit OTT and possibly needy? Stop the gifts and just send Christmas wishes next year.

UnsuitableHat · 19/12/2021 12:09

If she didn’t get you anything perhaps she’s a bit embarrassed. She did after all ask you not to get them anything - ok you already had done but this sounds like a message for next year that you don’t need to bother with Xmas pres. Also of course they may not have opened them yet.

UnsuitableHat · 19/12/2021 12:09

Sounds like you’ve been a good mate to her btw.

Original poster
vickyrn1986 · 19/12/2021 12:12

@AmIAGrinchx

Either she's finding Christmas hard from whatever upset she had this year OR she's a CF whose been using you if you don't get a thank you by Boxing Day I wouldn't bother with her again, she doesn't deserve a good friend like you. Thanks
What's a CF?

It's tricky because we have some events booked with the kids in the new year (though everything is a bit up in the air restrictions wise!)

OP posts:
Original poster
vickyrn1986 · 19/12/2021 12:14

@Billandben444

It seemed a good idea at the time and was generous of you but I think you've come over a bit OTT and possibly needy? Stop the gifts and just send Christmas wishes next year.
There's been a running joke about her being the needy one because during the roughest points in the year she was ringing me at 3am in tears begging me to spend £40 and get the train up to hers the following morning because she needed support. I don't grudge it and I'm wondering if she's a little embarrassed because of how clingy and needy she was this year.
OP posts:
Cocomarine · 19/12/2021 12:16

Can you clarify the “4” wrapped gifts for her and each of her two children?
So 12 presents in total?
After she’d told you not to get anything, and avoided collecting?

I think it’s distasteful btw for you to mention the courier expense! She didn’t ask you to send them.

I don’t think she’s sounding like a user… she certainly wasn’t grabbing those presents from your hands! Sounds more like she’s feeling that she’s had too much from you, and the balance is starting to feel uncomfortable. Perhaps the lovely dated gifts from her last year isn’t something she has time or energy or ideas to repeat this year. Perhaps she feels with your kindness this year she ought to invite you for Xmas, but, doesn’t want to. Not because she doesn’t like you, but because she wants a no-hosting day focused on her children.

It sounds to me like the friendship has got closer than she wants, and she’s backing off as she’s starting to feel beholden?

She should have sent a, “thanks, but I did mean it when I said no gifts, so please don’t do it again.” (better wording!)

How much did you spend?

vdbfamily · 19/12/2021 12:17

I would probably send a follow up message saying something like" I hope you got the gifts okay, I wanted to treat you all but please understand I am not expecting anything in return. Really looking forward to seeing you all soon. xx"
She may just be stressing about the expectation on her if you are generous to them all

Cocomarine · 19/12/2021 12:22

A running joke about being needy?
Ouch!
I don’t think people really joke about that.
If she’s been joking about it, I expect it was in the hope of you saying, “oh no you’re not” or because she knows she is and is embarrassed by that and trying to find a way to acknowledge it so you know that she is aware.

Which links in with my previous post… I think the balance of friendship has left her feeling bad, the needy user, the taker. Receiving 4 presents each (?) from you is going to feee into that.

When we’re embarrassed, it’s not unusual to hit out at someone else. Instead of feeling like a user, she may be deflecting that feeling by instead choosing to be cross with you for ignoring her wishes.

Or, the gusts may have just gone under the tree and she fully intends to thank you on the 25th and I’m way over thinking 🤣

Original poster
vickyrn1986 · 19/12/2021 12:23

@vdbfamily

I would probably send a follow up message saying something like" I hope you got the gifts okay, I wanted to treat you all but please understand I am not expecting anything in return. Really looking forward to seeing you all soon. xx" She may just be stressing about the expectation on her if you are generous to them all
I had mentioned that to her when she was meant to collect the gifts that it was just a minding and I never expected anything back.

I should add that at one point she did promise to come and collect them before Christmas but then never set a date.

And to answer someone elses question, they are just mindings so maybe £20 each. A book she had fancied, a nice candle her daughter would like etc. Nothing extravagant. I also didn't mention the courier cost to her nor would I.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 19/12/2021 12:25

It sounds like she doesn’t have much spare cash? If she was asking you to pay the £40 to come to her place. (£40! Bloody hell!)

In which case, feeling that she now “has” to get you a present might make her stressed and cross. For all I know you’ll say “but she doesn’t have to!”, gift giving does put a pressure on others to reciprocate.

stingofthebutterfly · 19/12/2021 12:25

Perhaps she'll say thank you once she's opened the gifts. I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to open gifts until Christmas day. Leave it until then.

Kbyodjs · 19/12/2021 12:26

Are you sure she isn’t waiting until Christmas day when the kids open them to thank you?

Original poster
vickyrn1986 · 19/12/2021 12:28

@Cocomarine

It sounds like she doesn’t have much spare cash? If she was asking you to pay the £40 to come to her place. (£40! Bloody hell!)

In which case, feeling that she now “has” to get you a present might make her stressed and cross. For all I know you’ll say “but she doesn’t have to!”, gift giving does put a pressure on others to reciprocate.

She is a high earner but terrible with money. She'll spend a lot on clothes and gifts and days out and not pay her rent or electricity bills. Generally quite chaotic.
OP posts:
Original poster
vickyrn1986 · 19/12/2021 12:29

@Kbyodjs

Are you sure she isn’t waiting until Christmas day when the kids open them to thank you?
She might! And this is helpful feedback because I'm worrying myself sick that I'm in the wrong.
OP posts:
Cocomarine · 19/12/2021 12:30

So she didn’t ignore your request about collecting, as you first said.
She said she’d collect just didn’t set a date.
Xmas is still a week away!
And you’re seeing her in the new year, when you could have handed them over - older kids don’t need things “on the day”.
She’s a busy self employed parent with two teen children at a busy time of the year…
Honestly, she might have got home to those and thought, “shit, now I’m crap friend because I didn’t sort out collection.”

Cocomarine · 19/12/2021 12:31

If she’s a high earner, why were you paying £40 to go and help her out?
This friendship is odd.

Billyliarohdear · 19/12/2021 12:32

I think she's worried you are becoming a little too close for comfort.
You have been a very good friend but I think she's worried that perhaps she has shared too much and relied on you too much and perhaps you have become a little too involved in their lives.
I think she needs a bit of breathing space.
I'd back off before you lose the friendship altogether.

AmIAGrinchx · 19/12/2021 12:34

If she's a high earner why was you paying the train tickets to go there when she was begging you to go? HmmConfused CF means cheeky fucker, the more you explain the more she sounds one.
She could of at least said "thank you we've recieved the gifts not opening yet till Christmas." Just so you know she's got them to ingore completely is very strange.. especially if she can ring you at 3am demanding you get a train!

Hemingwayscatz · 19/12/2021 12:35

@Billyliarohdear

I think she's worried you are becoming a little too close for comfort. You have been a very good friend but I think she's worried that perhaps she has shared too much and relied on you too much and perhaps you have become a little too involved in their lives. I think she needs a bit of breathing space. I'd back off before you lose the friendship altogether.
I agree with this ^

She may also be feeling a little embarrassed about how much she relied on you this year, who knows. I would back off for now and leave her to it.

ittakes2 · 19/12/2021 12:35

Maybe she can't afford to buy for you this year and is embarrassed.

ittakes2 · 19/12/2021 12:36

Maybe her daughter has not told her about the delivery.

Cocomarine · 19/12/2021 12:37

It’s not a normal reaction to “worry yourself sick” over whether you’ve done the right thing sending presents. It’s interesting that you said she ignored your message then later said she’d actually responded. Do you generally over think things? It does sound a possibility that she’s just acting normally, but busy, and you’re reading too much into that.

NewbieAlert · 19/12/2021 12:39

A friend I haven’t seen for a while sent me a message this week asking to come over to drop gifts for my DC and my heart just sank.
I hadn’t planned on getting them anything. I don’t have time to do more shopping and I haven’t budgeted to get them anything.
So what she feels is a ‘nice gesture’ has actually caused me a headache. Of course I don’t have to reciprocate but I’ll feel like crap if I don’t.
I’m wondering if she’s feeling the same.

furbabymama87 · 19/12/2021 12:45

I think there's more to it that you're not seeing. She either wants to end the friendship or at the very least maintain distance because of something and you sending gifts was uncomfortable for her.

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