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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this weird?

50 replies

TommyPickles1 · 19/12/2021 03:24

First off, I have a hard time understanding people’s facial expressions/behaviour (Aspergers) so I don’t always interpret it correctly.

My husband has been going to a cute young specialist doctor once or twice a week. He doesn’t drive so I drive him there and I usually come into the doctor’s office with him instead of waiting in the car, mostly out of boredom. I do a lot of the talking as my husband has no social skills than me, and we laugh a lot. Over time the doctor has started finding ways to drop little compliments about my looks into the conversation and recently he reached over and stroked my leg when my husband couldn’t see. Both of those things could be seen as normal friendliness but if I was a man, I would never even think about doing them, especially to the young, (sort of) pretty wife of one of your patients, especially in the age of #MeToo. My husband says the doctor is just being awkward because he’s probably never met a woman like me before (which I don’t quite understand) but something about his behaviour seems somewhat calculated.

Anyway it’s been going round and round in my head. I don’t know whether to feel upset and violated - I hate being touched especially by male strangers - or flattered (because he’s so attractive), or think nothing of it at all, and I don’t know whether to keep going there as normal or stay away just in case he is interested in me or thinks I am interested in him, which I’m not.

It IS weird to stroke the leg of someone of the opposite sex, right? I ask because I’ve got myself into some pretty scary situations with men simply from not understanding what they were trying to communicate to me - them misreading me and me misreading them - and I really don’t want to do that again.

OP posts:
TommyPickles1 · 19/12/2021 12:48

@UmbilicusProfundus I am honestly terrible with stuff like this. I never realize what someone’s intentions are until it’s too late… or I do but I tell myself I’m imagining it, that there’s no way they could be attracted to me, etc.

Thank you everyone for making it clear. I wish I had you in my head to help me see things as they are!

OP posts:
RockAndRollerskate · 19/12/2021 13:04

Put it this way : would he do that to another man and how would they react?

The easiest test to tell if something is sexually inappropriate

SilverHairedCat · 19/12/2021 13:11

He's a chiropractor isn't he? They aren't real doctors. They don't do a medical degree.

Separating the issues - you don't need to go into these appointments. Chatting with him through someone else's appointment is very rude IMO. This isn't your appointment it's your husband's. You have options including sitting in the car. Do something else.

Anyone touching you without your permission is assaulting you. Tell your husband why you're not going back and I'd be looking for a new "doctor" for you husband as well.

Men who do this don't give a shit about having a pretty wife, it's about power and shagging whoever they can. It isn't about you. Look at Donald Trump and the #MeToo movement.

TommyPickles1 · 19/12/2021 13:22

No he’s not a chiropractor, I know they’re not real doctors. He is an actual doctor.

The talking in appointments- that’s just what people do there. He always has people in there chatting away, even with their kids sometimes. I guess he’s just a big talker.

But yeah, it’s unprofessional, I see that now.

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 19/12/2021 13:25

Next time take a book, when you are called through from the waiting room wave your book and say I’m going to finish my book and will wait here.

Waterfallgirl · 19/12/2021 13:35

He is not ‘attracted’ to you Op .

He is grooming you and your husband.

I may be wrong but from one you say it sounds like you both struggle in social situations ? Likely he has realised that and us using it to control the situation
Please don’t think he fancies you or compare yourself to his pretty wife.

Its wrong and worrying he is practicing and allowed to work like he is - inviting partners and children into his consultations to ‘chat’ feels just wrong.
I’d I would be wary that anyone - ur your husband- ‘needs’ to see him twice per week.

TommyPickles1 · 19/12/2021 13:49

Grooming us for what though?

OP posts:
Suzanne999 · 19/12/2021 13:53

It is weird, inappropriate and unprofessional.
It goes against every rule in every medical rule book.
I think you should report this doctor as he could well take it further & assault a vulnerable patient.

ChargingBuck · 19/12/2021 14:28

My husband says the doctor is just being awkward because he’s probably never met a woman like me before

Sure, when I feel socially awkward, I find everything's FINE if I reach out & stroke a woman's leg while her husband's not looking ...

I don’t know whether to feel upset and violated - I hate being touched especially by male strangers
Stranger or acquaintance - it is totally out of order to stroke your leg. The doctor knows this damn well, which is why he chose to do it out of your husband's sight.

or flattered (because he’s so attractive)
So it's ok for men to sexually harass women, so long as the harasser is attractive?
Sexual harassment, unwanted touches, cat calling ... NONE of it is flattering.

or think nothing of it at all
Why would you think nothing of it?
You cannot pass this off as "normal friendliness", no matter how much your husband wants to minimise the behaviour.

and I don’t know whether to keep going there as normal or stay away just in case he is interested in me or thinks I am interested in him, which I’m not.
If you want to keep going along - go.
If you do not want to - don't.
Stop trying to second guess a pervert. It doesn't matter what he thinks. YOU know you are not interested.

If you want to continue going, make sure your husband isn't so fucking clueless. Forewarn him that you are going to be on your guard, & if this doctor touches you again, you are going to call it out & expect your husband's unequivocal & immediate back-up.

Stop worrying about the social contract, or if you have made a mistake, or if this doctor is 'friendly' ... he is a professional, who has to adhere to a code of conduct, which he has totally broken.
If he touches you again - "WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?" as loudly as you can manage.

You won't be the first woman he has touched inappropriately.
I hope he gets struck off.

ChargingBuck · 19/12/2021 14:33

@TommyPickles1

So do you think he means something by it? Do I act like it never happened or avoid him from now on?
Yes.

What he means by it is "I am using my inflated sense of social status as a doctor to harass & abuse random women in my office. It gives me an extra thrill if their husband is present. I do it to test her boundaries. If it makes her feel socially awkward & want to question herself, that puts me in a stronger position. Sometimes it's just a quick grope, but other times the woman is frozen, or scared, & I can get her to go along with it. Whether she is genuinely into it or not doesn't make much odds to me. In fact I quite enjoy the transgressive element of her not liking it, but being too embarrassed to call me out."

No you DO NOT ACT LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED.
That is how men keep getting away with this shit.
It happened. Deal with it. And don't let it happen again.

He needs reporting to his practice manager, & whatever professional bodies he belongs to.

ChargingBuck · 19/12/2021 14:37

I also do really like talking to him. So it would be a shame never to see him again if I’m wrong about what’s happening.

How can you be wrong?

When you go to the supermarket, do the cashiers grope your leg?
When you collect your child from school, does her teacher have a quick fumble at you?
Do the dry cleaner, the dentist, the florist, & your car mechanic all help themselves to your body in your daily interactions with their professions?

Stop kidding yourself that this doctor is a "nice guy".
He isn't. He is a sexual predator.
www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

TommyPickles1 · 19/12/2021 14:39

@ChargingBuck When you put it like that, it seems really clear. He has the added advantage of the expat community being really close knit since there are so few of us, so everybody is friends, and the doctor-patient boundary is less formal.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 19/12/2021 14:39

or flattered (because he’s so attractive

The thing is that his own wife is pretty herself.

You place a lot of emphasis on looks don't you. Just let your husband go in on his own, he may develop social skills without you talking for him. Take a book or something.

Helpstopthepain · 19/12/2021 14:39

He certainly doesn’t sound like any doctor I’ve ever met! (I’m a nurse). He can’t be touching you, it’s really unprofessional. Equally it’s wrong that you are sat in on the appointments.

The whole thing is bizarre.

ChargingBuck · 19/12/2021 14:40

The thing is that his own wife is pretty herself.

Tommy, I have to ask - are you for real?
How have you reached adulthood without knowing that sexually predatory men can have pretty wives?

Sexual abuse isn't about sexual desire. It is about power & control. Your doctor could have a harem of "pretty" wives. It won't stop him from being a sex pest.

Vapeyvapevape · 19/12/2021 14:42

The whole thing is bizarre it really is

ChargingBuck · 19/12/2021 14:45

[quote TommyPickles1]@ChargingBuck When you put it like that, it seems really clear. He has the added advantage of the expat community being really close knit since there are so few of us, so everybody is friends, and the doctor-patient boundary is less formal.[/quote]
Well one of the first things I'd be making sure to do is tell every one of my close-knit friends that this doctor is an untrustworthy sex pest.

Name99 · 19/12/2021 15:19

So when this doctor sees a patient, the family members all go in to the room where the appointment is happening and everyone chats?

TommyPickles1 · 19/12/2021 15:28

@ChargingBuck I do know that. Of course I do. I just kind of lose sight of it when I get carried away second guessing myself. That’s why I’m on Mumsnet, trying to remind myself of what is normal and not get bogged down in my confusing thoughts!

@Name99 Yes. It’s weird when I think about it. Wouldn’t happen in the UK. Or in a public doctor’s office here. I just sort of accepted it as normal.

OP posts:
Name99 · 19/12/2021 15:39

What happens if the patient wants to talk about something confidential?

It is very weird btw.

Your husband needs to find a new DR

TommyPickles1 · 19/12/2021 15:44

Well he’s a specialist in a particular field which isn’t especially embarrassing. But obviously if something private came up, the patient would go in by themselves.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 19/12/2021 15:53

I do know that. Of course I do. I just kind of lose sight of it when I get carried away second guessing myself. That’s why I’m on Mumsnet, trying to remind myself of what is normal and not get bogged down in my confusing thoughts!

& I'm glad you posted, Tommy.
We can all get bogged down with second-guessing sometimes.
But this is a clear cut case of sexual harassment, & you are allowed to call it out. Don't feel intimidated, don't be embarrassed - who knows how many women this man has been groping, or worse.

Mermaidwaves · 19/12/2021 17:28

It sounds as if you go to see the Dr in a social sense at your husbands medical appointment Confused that's odd in itself. What type of Dr is he? A self proclaimed specialist?

I think you both need to change Drs and let your husband go in by himself, you're not attached at the hip surely?

MONSTERSALAD · 19/12/2021 19:23

Is his name Dr. Nick Riviera?

LaChristmasBella · 20/12/2021 12:40

Wherever you are in the world, if this man is a qualified doctor then he has to abide by the standards set by his governing body.

It sounds likes he's a self-appointed 'life coach' or 'couples counsellor' though and he's using his position to exploit vulnerable and naïve women.

Tell your husband to find another doctor and give him the freedom to attend his own appointments, without you in the same room.

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