I’ve disappointed my mother again

[TheDisappointment]

Back in September I mentioned to my mum that my DD (7) has pointed out she wanted to go to the pantomime and showed me the specific show she wanted to go to so I was booking tickets – DD has never been to the theatre before as it was cancelled last year and I didn’t have the money before 2020 as I wasn’t working.

Mum said she wanted to go too but couldn’t afford her own ticket so I offered to get it her as her Christmas present but if I did she’d only get a small present off me to open on Christmas day as the ticket cost is above my usual budget to spend on her (ticket was £31 I usually only spend max £25 on her at Christmas). She said this was fine.

For context I’m a single parent and have been since 2017, I work but get no CM so everything falls to me, I’m in a better position financially as I’ve worked hard to get a promotion. My mum doesn’t work, she claims she’s retired (she’s 55) but doesn’t have a private pension and won’t claim anything else because “she won’t be forced to work now she’s old” (this is not me judging here, it’s adding context). Because of that she never gets me a Christmas present, I’ve always been fine with it.

We went to the Panto last weekend and had a lovely time. I paid for everything, drove there, paid for parking, bought drinks and a programme each at the theatre. All in the trip cost me about £120, but I didn’t mind as it was a treat and only once a year – but it’s not something I’d choose as a present for her every year it was just something she said she wanted to do.

Today I’ve seen my mum. She’s said she’s really looking forward to opening all her presents from me, I reminded her that as I’d paid for us to go to the panto she would have one small present from under £10 in value and I had got DD to make each of her grandparents a Christmas Bauble so she’d get that too.

She looked me straight in the eye and said she didn’t remember that conversation and had assumed the panto was an extra and was DDs Christmas present (it was one of them) not hers. She said she’s disappointed that at a time when she’s struggling the most and I’m not I won’t treat her. I told her roughly how much the theatre trip cost me and she just said while still looking at me “Well you can afford it”.

She’s since text me that she’s disappointed in me, and considered not seeing me on Christmas Day but has decided for DDs sake she’ll see me. She says she knows I spend upwards of £200 on my DD (I have this year I admit, I’ve bought her something she’s been asking for for years but I’ve never been able to afford as it’s £70+ and the panto and a few smaller gifts too and then her main Santa gift but usually I limit DDs spends to £70-100 including Santa, not that it matters)

I only have DD until lunchtime on CD anyway so WIBU to take up her offer not to see us? It’s really upset me that I worked extra shifts to give my DD a nice experience and my mums tarnished it.

@Beautiful3

Awful manipulative behaviour from your mother. I'd text back saying, I'm sorry you feel that way. For me, Christmas is about my child and not the grown ups. Adults are perfectly capable of working and buying their own things.

Very good response / explanation! Love it!

@olympicsrock

This is perfect! Take the opportunity of this fall out to really enjoy your daughter this Christmas morning , set some ground rules and even this out. She cannot be your dependent aged 55.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar

Agree - you need stronger boundaries with the people in your life.

Text to a Mum -

“Hi Mum, I’m really concerned that you don’t remember the conversation we had about the Panto tickets. If you did, it would have prevented all your expectations about a present, as I told you the Panto ticket would be in, with something small for the day itself. I say this with love, if you really don’t remember the conversation, I think you need to speak to your GP about this pretty soon. It could be the start of something serious, and I would hate for you to forget any other important conversations with me, or other people, and for you to fall out with them over mistaken memories.

In relation to Christmas, I’ve thought about what you’ve said, and you know, you’re right. I only have DD up to midday, and that time is so precious to me. Let’s skip seeing each other this Christmas and catch up in the New Year.

Finally, now you’ve raised the issue of presents, I guess it’s a good time to talk about them. I thought we could cut adult presents between you and me out from now on. I don’t want you to feel pressure to buy me something if you don’t have the money and I know you wouldn’t feel right getting gifts from me if you can’t give them in return. Best to take the pressure off and say none, ok?

Take care, see you in the New Year, and please, think about booking that GP appointment for your memory now.

Great post from @olympicsrock

I'm guessing your mother is manipulative & abusive in lots of ways?

Jesus. Why aren't you LC/NC with this woman??

She's a greedy, selfish cow.

Wow, what a piece of work she is, op! I expect that this is a pattern of behaviour that has existed since your own childhood. She sounds like a woman-child. What parent/ grandparent compares what they get for Christmas to what their grandchildren receive?! She could do with reading this.

You have done brilliantly to raise your DD alone despite her and despite your Ex.

Well done for you for working and getting promoted and I am sure your DD is very proud of your resilience, focus and effort and is very grounded by your love and support.

This is all that matters.

You need to surround yourself with people who encourage you, have fun with, who are radiant and make you feel good about yourself - where the relationship is reciprocal and equal. These types of people will make your life better and help you to sustain being a great mother.

Dump and swerve the drains and whingers. Your DM is appalling - step back and step up to see her for what she is and she what she is prepared to take from your DD. Then have minimal / reduced contact on your terms only. Give her zero info about your life as it seems she is weaponising it.

Does she have many long term friends - or have they all backed away?

Focus on you and your DD. Don’t let her steal the mood of your CD. You’ve done brilliantly if you were my DD I would be so proud and tell you that (and support and encourage you) - that’s what mothers are for.

Don’t let her being you down.

She’s likely v jealous of you.

Wow I can't believe she would be so demanding. Every year I get frustrated as my parents and in laws say don't waste your money and refuse to tell us anything they want. Of course we always get them something but I just find it odd a parent can behave like that. Surely an experience at a panto with her family tops getting a present she has a memory that will last years I doubt she would get that with a present. My friends mum is the same and has demands of specific gifts but never treats my friend.

I would just tell her she's being ungrateful and childish. As xmas is primarily about the kids yes you have spent more on your child and you don't have to justify yourself for spending less on others.

Take some control back, please don't let her talk to you like this, you don't need to accept it.

Good grief...this woman is a new level of awful.

Sounds like a manipulative spoilt brat! Don't endulge her.

She is a nasty, selfish and lazy individual who adds negativity to your life.

I think it's time to re-evaluate the future and what you want from it.

She won't change so you have to decide what you're going to accept.

Personally l would make the decision to go low contact.

I'd also stop getting her gifts from you and just token one's from your DD.

In regards Christmas. She knows exactly what she agreed to and is trying to manipulate you into giving more.... the more you give her, the less you have for your DD.

If you do see her Christmas day will she make snide comments about her "lack" of gifts?

I wouldn't want to spend it with someone so unpleasant, especially when you only have the morning with your DD.

What will you do?

Your thread title:

“I’ve disappointed my mother again”

Says it all. You only have finite time, headspace and emotional energy - make sure you don’t squander it on such characters who take you on their dysfunctional emotional merry go rounds again and again and again and drain you of everything, erode your sense of self and steal your joy.

You are the most amazing daughter and your mum must have some deep seated issues . You should be very proud and happy that you have firm boundaries around your mum and still manage to be nice to her despite her crazy selfish inappropriate demands. Maybe she is neural diverse without knowing it? Or just horribly selfish and unpleasant.

I hope you and your dd will have a very happy Christmas.

Mobster works too…

I am totally shocked by your mother's response. This is not normal behaviour from a GP and you really need to pull her up on this behaviour. I would definitely go LC/NC

I couldn’t be bothered with the hassle, especially now when everything is upside down with COVID, she doesn’t get to demand presents because she’s your mother, that’s not what being a mother is about, she can’t put herself at the same level as your daughter, tell her to fuck off and block her, she’s greedy and pathetic and she should be ashamed of herself.

So she doesn't work. She doesn't have a pension. She doesn't claim anything as she doesn't want to be asked to find a job?! Have I read it right??

How does she live then?? Pay bills? Is it inheritance that she's living on?

Im struggling to make sense of this scenario at 55.

One thing that is clear though is you should take her up on her kind offer of staying away for Xmas. She sounds truly horrendous, manipulative and gaslighting.

Seven pages on and the vote is still at 100%. This tells youall you need to know! Enjoy your Xmas 💐

Your mums being very harsh, my dh is 56 and would still be at work if he wasn’t so ill. It’s no age 55 isn’t.

Your not a cash cow and you have a child to raise who needs you.

In your shoes I’d put my feet up for the rest of the day and relax.

She seems jealous of her own GC. Amazed she's retired at 55 what does she live off (how long did she work?).

You need to distance yourself from this toxic relationship. Youve received some amazing advice, how to word your reply and please heed it. Otherwise you are going to have years of misery with this person manipulating you further.

Guarantee this is not the first time. :(

She's ungrateful . We are watching ' the pennies ' this year and have told people we are buying for the children only. Also dh and I are not buying for each other. So I will not be getting a present , and I didn't get any last year either . I certainly wouldn't be emotionally blackmailing anyone for a present .
If you mum doesn't want a £10 present off you , buy her 4 x £2.50 instead ! A pair of socks , a bubble bath , some chocolate , and some biscuits . Job done.

I would never expect a present from my kids when they are adults and I think it’s rude to assume she’s going to get anything.

I wouldn’t go over there Christmas Day, also announce that from now on you won’t be buying any adults Christmas presents so next year she won’t be getting anything.

@Jaxinthebox

You need to distance yourself from this toxic relationship. Youve received some amazing advice, how to word your reply and please heed it. Otherwise you are going to have years of misery with this person manipulating you further.

Guarantee this is not the first time. :(

This. Not sure why you tolerate it. Its certainly not a good example for your child.

We had to do that last year @HollyChristmas. We got grief for it by people whose lives have continued much the same during covid.