I’ve disappointed my mother again

[TheDisappointment]

Back in September I mentioned to my mum that my DD (7) has pointed out she wanted to go to the pantomime and showed me the specific show she wanted to go to so I was booking tickets – DD has never been to the theatre before as it was cancelled last year and I didn’t have the money before 2020 as I wasn’t working.

Mum said she wanted to go too but couldn’t afford her own ticket so I offered to get it her as her Christmas present but if I did she’d only get a small present off me to open on Christmas day as the ticket cost is above my usual budget to spend on her (ticket was £31 I usually only spend max £25 on her at Christmas). She said this was fine.

For context I’m a single parent and have been since 2017, I work but get no CM so everything falls to me, I’m in a better position financially as I’ve worked hard to get a promotion. My mum doesn’t work, she claims she’s retired (she’s 55) but doesn’t have a private pension and won’t claim anything else because “she won’t be forced to work now she’s old” (this is not me judging here, it’s adding context). Because of that she never gets me a Christmas present, I’ve always been fine with it.

We went to the Panto last weekend and had a lovely time. I paid for everything, drove there, paid for parking, bought drinks and a programme each at the theatre. All in the trip cost me about £120, but I didn’t mind as it was a treat and only once a year – but it’s not something I’d choose as a present for her every year it was just something she said she wanted to do.

Today I’ve seen my mum. She’s said she’s really looking forward to opening all her presents from me, I reminded her that as I’d paid for us to go to the panto she would have one small present from under £10 in value and I had got DD to make each of her grandparents a Christmas Bauble so she’d get that too.

She looked me straight in the eye and said she didn’t remember that conversation and had assumed the panto was an extra and was DDs Christmas present (it was one of them) not hers. She said she’s disappointed that at a time when she’s struggling the most and I’m not I won’t treat her. I told her roughly how much the theatre trip cost me and she just said while still looking at me “Well you can afford it”.

She’s since text me that she’s disappointed in me, and considered not seeing me on Christmas Day but has decided for DDs sake she’ll see me. She says she knows I spend upwards of £200 on my DD (I have this year I admit, I’ve bought her something she’s been asking for for years but I’ve never been able to afford as it’s £70+ and the panto and a few smaller gifts too and then her main Santa gift but usually I limit DDs spends to £70-100 including Santa, not that it matters)

I only have DD until lunchtime on CD anyway so WIBU to take up her offer not to see us? It’s really upset me that I worked extra shifts to give my DD a nice experience and my mums tarnished it.

OMG! OP - she's manipulating you and making you feel guilty/trying to make you feel guilty yet you've done absolutely nothing wrong!

This behaviour from your mum has obviously been going on for years, probably since you were a child, and so it seems "normal" as you've not got anything to compare it to.

Not your fault at all, we assume and trust that our parents have our best interests at heart and sadly some of them are incredibly selfish.

Most grandmas would have forgone the panto so you didn't have to fork out even more for it. The enjoyment for them would have come from knowing you and your DD had enjoyed it, and they'd be happy just hearing all about it. Or a lot would have paid for their own ticket at least and, if they could afford it, they'd have paid for them all. I don't think very many would have expected to be treated - and then some - like your mum does.

Don't allow her to control you like this. You and DD can have a lovely, relaxed Christmas morning together and then you can just chill out in the afternoon, leave her to her sulking. She's making it all about her when it should be HER ensuring you and DD have the loveliest time.

Unbelievable, petulant and childish behaviour. I'd be concerned that my DD 'learns' incorrectly from this and also starts treating you badly. Your DM could manipulate your DD into thinking this is acceptable treatment of you, and then you'll have two of them walking all over you! Get some distance before this happens.

No need to fall out with your mum, but it is not your responsibility to provide for her in terms of gifts, treats, financial, emotional or any other support. She is choosing NOT to work so she is choosing to be harder up than she could be!

I really hope you and your DD have a lovely Christmas 🎄

55!! Crikey I am 55, had to give up working 8yrs ago to ill health, but went self employed with a hobby I had that could be worked round my health. People are not retiring now till late 60’s , who does she think she is !!

Also I do not expect any presents from my daughters as they all have young families & struggle financially, the grandkids usually do me a picture or little handmade thing & I am delighted with that , she should be grateful that you have given her presents all these years while she hasn’t given you one!!

Your mother is both lazy and greedy. Don’t see her on Christmas Day and certainly don’t buy her anything else.

Definitely set boundaries- its a term bandied around quite abit these days but its SO important when you're interacting with people like this.
Don't see her Christmas day. Send her a short message saying her behaviour is totally inappropriate and selfish.

She's your mum but she sounds like a child- why the hell does she expect so much from you! Just don't see her Christmas day. Don't let her boss you around /be an ungrateful little four letter word!

Arhhh well done for working hard to treat your daughter to one of her first theatre experiences. Glad you all had fun OP.

Sorry but your mum sounds like a piece of work! Your daughter is your priority and it sounds like you work hard to put her first and treat her. If you want to spend more money on her, you don't need to explain it to any one. Least of all your "retired" mother who chooses not to work as she's "old"!

I would also say as others have suggested. Ok mum if that's how you feel we will see you after Christmas. Christmas is time for you also, you don't need your mum sniping at you all day. Christmas afternoon when your daughter isn't there. Treat yourself to a nice long soak, chill out and have some you time.
Whatever you decide know you do right by your DD and at the end of the day that's all that matters.
Merry Christmas OP cx

I'd start distancing myself. You don't need this crap. It's hard enough being a single mum as it is. You don't need a full on argument / official notice of withdrawal - just slow fade her. Blame covid for Christmas Day and have a lovely time just the two of you

Wow! Your Mum 🙄

You need to nip this in the bud now

I'd say to her that ''you're sorry she doesn't remember the conversation about the panto ticket being her main present

However that conversation did happen and you can hear how upset she is so you've decided to go along with her idea of spending Christmas apart this year.

Tell her you'll pop over to see her with DD for an hour on the 27th ''

I would also mention that as she doesn't buy gifts for you, you won't be buying for her from 2022 to even things up.

Your mother is being ridiculous. Tell her to do one. She honestly sounds so ungrateful. I don't know how you put up with her. For your sake, I hope she has a ton of redeeming qualities.

“ I’ve disappointed my mother again “

@TheDisappointment - you can only feel that way if you give her the power over you.
Don’t let her.
You are a strong woman of independent means now, with a child of your own.
Be an example to your daughter and stand up for yourself.

Merry Christmas OP x

I can’t believe the woman thinks that 55 is old! Only a minority of people, usually those in extremely well paying careers, have the resources to retire at such an early age. OP, unless your mother is too unwell to work, she should be ashamed to do nothing. What does she live off?

Your first obligation is to your daughter, and you appear to be a really caring mum, and a good example to her. Her dad not supporting her financially is a really poor show too. Have a good Christmas whatever you decide.

Can't stand a freeloader. You're doing amazingly OP, don't let skanks drag you down, her behaviour is disgusting.

She's 55 and she's already retired, despite not having any kind of pension? How on earth does she manage to buy day to day essentials? 55 is very young to decide never to work again.

As for the panto, it sounds like you all had a fabulous experience, and she's being obtuse is she's 'forgotten' it was her main Christmas present. How childish, too, to waffle on about opening presents - she's an adult. Christmas gifts, in the main, are for children.

I would tell her sorry you won't be seeing her on Christmas Day, and leave it at that.

Also, just to say, it can be really hard standing up to a narcissistic Mum. We're taught to obey and respect our parents.

But sometimes you have to respect yourself more. I know because many years ago I stood up to my mum. It was hard and it was scary but it was the best decision!

Wow, she really is on another level. Seriously call her bluff and let her stay on her own. You will have a better time without her.

Thread title is wrong. Your mother has disappointed you again. You need to change your way of thinking.

Has she always been toxic? This can’t be a one off. Dreadful behaviour.

What on Earth. Your mum doesn't even get you a gift but expects numerous gifts from you? YANBU. You were more than generous to pay for panto. She sounds spoilt and needy which is ridiculous for a 55 year old woman/mum/grandma. . I wouldn't be seeing her on Christmas Day. Spend the morning with your child and spend the rest of the day watching movies and eating chocolate!

Just the fact, they she texted you saying she was looking forward to opening the gifts would gripe me. She shouldn't expect anything.

I think it's important that you take her up on her offer.
She needs to know you will not be manipulated by her.

And bollocks does she not remember the conversation. That bit about looking forward to opening all her presents was deliberate. You were meant to panic and go shopping.

Yes, you need to take a stand now as this seems to be the prelude to expecting you to financially support her.

Where is her income from if she’s not working? She needs to get a job.

And no more treats for her, people like her will just take and take and never be grateful but want more.

I’m nearly the same age as your mum, I’m trying (and struggling) to see things from her point of view. I’m guessing Christmas is the only time she gets treats beyond the mundane so she does naturally look forward to it and conveniently ‘forgot’ the panto was her gift this year.

However all this is irrelevant as if she wasn’t bone idle and lazy by refusing to work she’d be able to treat herself and you.

@gsaoej

She is behaving like a spoilt 3yo.

She competes with your 7yo dd for presents from you!!

Take her up on her offer of not seeing you on Christmas Day. Text back,

“Let’s avoid future disappointments. I’m stopping
presents for adults from now on at Christmas and just doing them for children. If you remain ungrateful for the theatre ticket, parking, drinks and programme that I paid for then I agree it’s best you don’t come on CD. You should actually have thanked me and I am disappointed with your behaviour.”

You need to stamp this out. Or it will get worse.

This text is really good.

Honestly what a ridiculous, unpleasant woman your mother sounds. Fuck her.

Retired at 55?! Sure she’s living the dream why has she to complain about…she can’t be struggling that much!

What on earth does she live on if she doesn’t claim UC or have any private pension??

Alllllll of the above OP. She sounds awful and you’d be much happier not in her company.

Wow. It's not often that I read a mumsnet thread open mouthed! Your dm is a CF of the highest order!
Just to put this into context for you, I am in a very similar position to you, my DM is on a very small retirement income. There is no way she would expect an expensive gift from me or make demands for gifts. I always spend christmas with my mum and we always split the cost of christmas between us eg food etc.
The fact that your DM has specifically mentioned that she is excited to open ALL the gifts from you tells me that she knows full well that the panto was her gift and she is gas lighting and manipulating you about it. She considers herself to be equal to your DD in the present order. Why? She is a grown up and not your child!!
Also, if she doesn't work and claim no benefits how on earth does she live? Do she have savings stashed that you don't know about? I only ask as I can imagine that she makes other financial demands on you.
I would definitely call her out on this and also take her up on the offer of not spending christmas together. She won't be expecting this. She thinks you'll now be going out to buy her something else to open. Don't do that!